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Original poster

How to tell devoted husband you don’t love him ‘like that’ anymore

33 replies

Oliie82 · 11/09/2020 13:03

Hi

Not sure where to start with this but I’ve been with my husband since we were both 16 So 22 years and been married for 8 years now.

I feel like I’ve come to the end of the road with our marriage but it’s not a mutual feeling... he is still very much in love and ‘in to me’

Things have not been great since I told him to a certain extent My feelings almost 2 years ago but I’ve plodded along in the hope it will get better and it hasn’t.

He will be devasted if I tell him how I’m feeling again and the thought of it makes me feel physically sick I’m not sure I can do it to him, but it’s making me mentally ill and dragging me down now....

I dont look forward to seeing him, he messages me several times a day and it irritates me, he try’s to make conversation and I have no desire to respond, he comes close and I tense up...

I dint dislike him as a friend but I feel suffocated and emotionally drained with it all.

Feel like I’m going crazy and I don’t know the way out Sad

OP posts:
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 11/09/2020 13:06

Relationship counsellor. Start off just for you, maybe take him along when you've had a chance to discuss options with your counsellor.

My ex did this to me, only he waited until he was in love with someone else and every time he spoke to me about things his words got more hurtful. I wish he'd dealt with it with some professional assistance before he destroyed my memories as well as my future hopes.

Audi80 · 11/09/2020 13:13

Sorry to hear that, I absolutely don’t want to hurt him which is why I’ve put it off for long but I also realise my actions now are probably hurting him anyway

Katiefizz · 11/09/2020 13:14

I would recommend relationship counselling as well for both of you. If this is too much then counselling for yourself. Relationships are complicated but you are not a bad person for feeling the way you do, and you would not be doing anything wrong in ending your relationship. I know it's hard to know that sometimes.

The two things that would be wrong are staying in this relationship knowing how you feel and looking outside the relationship to get your needs met. You are doing the right thing in evaluating what to do for yourself. Consider using the counselling as a way for you to find your voice and for finding ways to move forward.

Oly4 · 11/09/2020 13:26

Oh bless you. I think you need to be honest and just leave him. Don’t string it out, which is far more painful for him. Do the right thing and set him free.
If you’ve been feeling like this for several years then there’s no going back.
You are being cruel prolonging this as he’s obviously hoping it will get better, while feeling your irritation

SocksForceFive · 11/09/2020 13:35

No advice but wanted to flag that your name change didn't work on your reply in case you want to get it deleted xx

Audi80 · 11/09/2020 13:35

I’ve tried to tell him before and his response was telling me it didn’t matter if the affection from me wasn’t there and basically begging me to change my mind, the guilt got to me and it was easier to retract what I said and stay

Iggypoppie · 11/09/2020 13:40

I second counselling, particularly if you have DC. It's not a fun world out there dating in your 40s (IMHO)

Audi80 · 11/09/2020 13:49

I actually couldn’t think of anything worse than dating right now lol
It’s definatly not ‘someone else’ that I want I actually love my own company, but it does worry me slightly that I might regret thinking like that one day

copperoliver · 11/09/2020 13:59

Don't just give up on your relationship not all women are lucky enough to have a kind partner.
Try marriage counselling first.
Is it possible you could have post natal depression and that's why you feel like this x

AlternativePerspective · 11/09/2020 14:10

Well, women who post here that their husbands’ feelings have changed get nothing but sympathy.

TBH I do think you should see someone not least to explore what it is you really want.

Do you have children? Because IMO it is incredibly selfish to break up a family just because your feelings have changed, other than if there is e.g. abuse in the equation.

I do think that you owe it to your children at least to give this a chance, otherwise how are you going to feel when your husband moves on and there is another woman who is a mother figure to your children, if they have children together who will be your children’s siblings.

Deciding you just don’t love someone any more isn’t as simple as just walking away from a relationship to achieve what it is you want. There are consequences.

If you tell him there’s every chance he may tell you to do one and that he deserves better. Can you handle that? Walking away from a marriage because you don’t love someone is all very well, but you need to realise that that means walking away from everything about that person. No more friendship, no more seeing each other other than for contact.

Don’t just walk away from this on impulse.

Audi80 · 11/09/2020 14:10

He is kind but he has lots of faults.

I also know I’m lucky but it doesn’t change the way I feel and if anything it just adds to the guilt and makes me feel like even more of an ungrateful heartless cow Sad

TooTrueToBeGood · 11/09/2020 14:15

Is it mainly that you've gone off intimacy with him or is it more than that? Sorry, I'm trying to figure out if your situation is similar to mine or different.

justanotherneighinparadise · 11/09/2020 14:16

Do you have children? If not then you need to leave. If so then you still need to separate but it will be a lot more difficult for you understandably.

WanderingLost167 · 11/09/2020 14:24

This doesn't sound like impulse if you have been feeling like this for two years.

A marriage should make you happy, not be a life sentence, and being scared to leave one because you might be alone, because dating in your 40s is tough??? What crap reasons to stay.

imagine the man you love telling you that they are only with you because the other options might be worse!

AvonCallingBarksdale · 11/09/2020 14:29

I think from reading your OP that you’re only 38 now is that right? That’s really too young to be staying in a marriage that you’re no longer committed to. For both your sakes if it’s over for you, you should really call it a day. You both deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with you.

hexmeginny · 11/09/2020 15:09

& nobody has turned your head?

Audi80 · 11/09/2020 16:28

More than that,

It’s complicated but He has very strong opinions of everybody and has a tendency to dislike people including some of my friends and family members.. over time it’s affected my relationships with people and recently it’s built up to a lot of resentment towards him

He also clashes badly with our teenage daughter and I can’t stand the way he reacts to her even I don’t think he even realises it half the time...

Audi80 · 11/09/2020 16:45

Nobody has turned my head no

Dery · 11/09/2020 16:51

"I think from reading your OP that you’re only 38 now is that right? That’s really too young to be staying in a marriage that you’re no longer committed to. For both your sakes if it’s over for you, you should really call it a day. You both deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with you."

This. You got together very young. Some people can genuinely build a life-time commitment on that and still feel happy and excited about each other decades in. But that's very rare.

user1481840227 · 11/09/2020 19:07

@AlternativePerspective

Well, women who post here that their husbands’ feelings have changed get nothing but sympathy.

TBH I do think you should see someone not least to explore what it is you really want.

Do you have children? Because IMO it is incredibly selfish to break up a family just because your feelings have changed, other than if there is e.g. abuse in the equation.

I do think that you owe it to your children at least to give this a chance, otherwise how are you going to feel when your husband moves on and there is another woman who is a mother figure to your children, if they have children together who will be your children’s siblings.

Deciding you just don’t love someone any more isn’t as simple as just walking away from a relationship to achieve what it is you want. There are consequences.

If you tell him there’s every chance he may tell you to do one and that he deserves better. Can you handle that? Walking away from a marriage because you don’t love someone is all very well, but you need to realise that that means walking away from everything about that person. No more friendship, no more seeing each other other than for contact.

Don’t just walk away from this on impulse.

It's not incredibly selfish to break up a family because your feelings when it gets to this point. She said this is making her mentally ill and dragging her down now and that she feels suffocated and emotionally drained. That sounds like she's almost at breaking point.

You said she owes it to the children (if they have them) to at least give this a chance...she said she told her husband about her feelings 2 years ago and it hasn't changed since then. She has given it a chance.

She sounds like she is aware that there is consequences and it's not an 'impulse' either if she's been feeling like this for years.

It's like you haven't read the OP's posts at all!

Hoppinggreen · 11/09/2020 19:15

If you got together at 16 the chances are you’re bothering very different people now
Some people grow together and some grow apart

Hoppinggreen · 11/09/2020 19:16

You’re BOTH different people I mean!

Taffydog · 11/09/2020 19:36

I felt like this and it took me a long time to leave my marriage as thought he’s such a nice guy and he’d not cope if i left him. However I became so unhappy and decided I couldn’t remain like that forever as actually the kids would start seeing the tension. Once I made the decision to leave though I actually realised that although yes he wasn’t abusive there were in fact numerous issues in the relationship and although I’d been trying for years to make things better he hadn’t bothered and had many faults. I’d also told him I was unhappy and nothing had changed. We were together 18 years from when I was 18. It was 100% the right choice for me and the children and we are so much happier now! He’s probably not as happy as doesn’t have someone doing everything for him and covering up for his shortcomings. You can’t be responsible for another adults happiness though.

Audi80 · 11/09/2020 22:02

@Taffydog

I felt like this and it took me a long time to leave my marriage as thought he’s such a nice guy and he’d not cope if i left him. However I became so unhappy and decided I couldn’t remain like that forever as actually the kids would start seeing the tension. Once I made the decision to leave though I actually realised that although yes he wasn’t abusive there were in fact numerous issues in the relationship and although I’d been trying for years to make things better he hadn’t bothered and had many faults. I’d also told him I was unhappy and nothing had changed. We were together 18 years from when I was 18. It was 100% the right choice for me and the children and we are so much happier now! He’s probably not as happy as doesn’t have someone doing everything for him and covering up for his shortcomings. You can’t be responsible for another adults happiness though.
Thankyou I’m so pleased it worked out for you and your now much happier.

Did your husband cope better than you thought he might?
When I told mine I was unhappy 2 years ago it didn’t go well at all he became very anxious and developed a really bad stutter that he’d never had before... it was awful and the guilt I felt was immense, the main reason I back tracked and stayed with him as I was genuinely scared for his mental health Sad

GingerFigs · 11/09/2020 22:30

I had a similar situation to you OP and to @Taffydog - relationship of 24 years, kind and lovely partner but the feelings I had for him were gone. It took me a long time to tell him, I felt truly awful, but it sounds like you have felt unhappy for a long time. Your feelings are valid and life is short.