How to tell devoted husband you don’t love him ‘like that’ anymore

[Oliie82]

Hi

Not sure where to start with this but I’ve been with my husband since we were both 16 So 22 years and been married for 8 years now.

I feel like I’ve come to the end of the road with our marriage but it’s not a mutual feeling... he is still very much in love and ‘in to me’

Things have not been great since I told him to a certain extent My feelings almost 2 years ago but I’ve plodded along in the hope it will get better and it hasn’t.

He will be devasted if I tell him how I’m feeling again and the thought of it makes me feel physically sick I’m not sure I can do it to him, but it’s making me mentally ill and dragging me down now....

I dont look forward to seeing him, he messages me several times a day and it irritates me, he try’s to make conversation and I have no desire to respond, he comes close and I tense up...

I dint dislike him as a friend but I feel suffocated and emotionally drained with it all.

Feel like I’m going crazy and I don’t know the way out

I agree with @Taffydog I was with my ex for 12 years and we grew apart. He also had his faults which added to the relationship break down. We've been apart almost two years now and the kids live with me permanently as he's not interested. Part of the breakdown was how he would speak to the kids - 8 and 5 when I left him - he didn't have the time of day for them and the only time he spoke was to tell them off. I've been SO much happier since I left and I can tell the kids are a lot happier too, not having to walk on eggshells anymore. Sounds like he speaks to your DD the same which is so sad. He's had two years to make things better and he hasn't.

So you told him 2 years ago it wasn't working for you, did either of you suggest counselling or did he just develop a stutter overnight and guilt you into staying?

For those that have suggested counselling, I feel uncomfortable with OP (who was unhappy enough 2 years ago) going to counselling with someone who seems manipulative enough to turn on and off mh "issues" as it suits them.

@amillionwishes

So you told him 2 years ago it wasn't working for you, did either of you suggest counselling or did he just develop a stutter overnight and guilt you into staying?

For those that have suggested counselling, I feel uncomfortable with OP (who was unhappy enough 2 years ago) going to counselling with someone who seems manipulative enough to turn on and off mh "issues" as it suits them.

The talk of counselling did come up but it didn’t materialise.

The stutter & depression was genuine definatly not out on ( he still has the stutter now although not as severe), he also never intentionally guilt tripped me but seeing the affect it was having on him was enough to make me feel like I couldn’t go through with anything

@Audi80 did he have any treatment for the stutter? Or any of the other issues that arose because of you wanting to leave?

It does feel quite coercive to me, you can't make someone stay with you if they're unhappy because it makes you unhappy if they leave... you have to stay and be unhappy to protect his mental health, while ruining your own? And he's aware of that? That's not love.

You've spent much more of your relationship fancying him than not so you need to work out what's changed.

You need extensive time just as a couple, over time, not only the odd date night. The daily grind of kids, work and marriage can understanably affect attraction so you need to get out of that rut. Do new things together out of the house/spend time on mutual interests and take the time for the feelings to come back again. Don't fob getting childcare off as "expensive". If you decided to separate or divorce it would cost you many times that. You owe it to your children not to break up their family home and affect their lives down the line due to something like this.

If it's emotional.things, like past issues or certain traits, you should try counselling.

Breaking up your children's parents and relegating them to spending their childhood shuffling between houses like monopoly pieces is a huge permanent decision. People give up too easily nowadays.

I realise that this is quite an old post but maybe you might read this message! I feel like I’m in a very similar situation to you and I just wondered how things have worked out for you? Did you stay or leave? How do you feel now?
TIA!

Audi80 Did you ever get out? I'd really love to know how you doing? Could we maybe have a little catch up sometime? U could use some advice. 😊

I've been married 10 years, 12 years together. It has never been stable. Always had issues but kept fighting on. We planned on having children and being a family but 5 years ago he suddenly decided he didn't want children. No real explanation. I stuck around hoping that woyld change. I'm 40 now. I didn't get my family. I have such resentment toward him. He applies minimal effort to anything. I am the boss around the house, house work, house admin, main money maker (he works a full time job) and do not feel an ounce of feminine energy from myself at all. I've begged for communication and romance for 10 years. No change. In fact, I'm sure he thinks I'm the problem, always on at him, what now, he says. I wouldn't have to be if he engaged in our relationship. I'm invisible in my own home. He doesn't look up from his phone to even notice I'm there. Ive found naughties on his phone several times over the years. Knocked my confidence silly. He is not a horrible man on purpose i don't think, just doesn't see his hurtful behaviour maybe. Not interested in putting in effort for change, ive come to the conclusion this is because he has everything he needs to why bother. No interest in filling my cup.
I'm British, he is Australian. We started off life in Australia. I had a young daughter, we didn't cope well so came back to the UK. He didn't know if he would come as didn't want to leave Australia. He ended up coming after a vigorous 7 mouths of 16 hour work days, 6 days a week to prove i can support him when he got here for the visa. He never helps with anything. We just bought a house. Didn't help with a single piece of paperwork, just signed where I told him to, didn't read, take interest or really even help pack up our house. Mostly sat playing on his phone. Didn't take the day off work for moving, i dealt with that chaos. Just rocked up in the evening and ate the takeaway and enjoyed the new house i supplied.
He has never really been a father to my daughter. She is now 20 years old and often over the years asked why he doesn't like her. I feel like I have failed her.
Romance, off the cards. Basic communication, zero. No interest in talking to me, making plans, going out with me, day trips i have to drag him out and he will hardly say a word and he never has any ideas, I have to plan and decide everything. I'm adhd and have struggles. He has no interest in learning about that or supporting me, in fact just sees me as a problem. I feel like a stupid burden.
We also have the mother in law over at the moment which is double heavy. He is the way he is because of her and it's hard work. I'm alone in this house and marriage. My daughter leaves for Uni in August and I can't bare being alone in this house with him.
I think im ready to leave but I don't know how. He is very good at making my vaild points invalid with a few words, he makes me feel like I'm being pathetic within seconds. I'm scared if I try i will not be taken seriously.
How do I do this? I'm not very good at keeping all info in my mind at one time and will stutter and not look serious and strong.
Should i make a list and keep near by should i need a nudge? Write him a letter? At least that way I'm certain to say all I have too?

And then what? We've just bought a house. I know in eyes of the law it's all 50/50 but actually 90% of the money that has gone into this house is mine, I work 100 hours a week. Most of the money in our savings have come from me.
I don't know how he will react or what he will want from me after. Whether he will want to stay in the house or even the UK. He may go straight back to Australia. As much as I don't want this marriage anymore, I'm sad about how it has all gone and why I couldn't be loved. Maybe i really am the problem?! How can you tell if you're the problem but can't see it?

Can I please hear your experiences? What made you decide to leave? How did you do it? How did it go? How did you cope after?

Thank you all.
I really need some guidance. I have to get out before I break. ❤️