Would you say this was wrong & what the solution is if it is?

[Hotairoverthere]

Two people meet very young at uni. One leaves and gets an entry level job. The other falls pregnant but continues to study. The other progresses quickly in their job and get a job offer 200 miles away. The female has the baby, finishes the degree and then moves to be with the father.

The father focuses everything into career progression. Moves quickly up the ranks. Travels at the drop of a hat for 2-4 weeks at a time. The female tries but struggles to progress and decides to move back home and the male returns too.

The male continues to travel abroad and is now earning £100k per year. The female leaves her job as she moves back home. Has another baby and stays at home until the child is 2. Gets another job earning a decent amount.

Male is hardly home and when is he doesn’t help with house or with kids much. Pays for a cleaner. Male always in control of money. Female given an allowance each month. Female struggles to cope with all demands and is supported to leave her job and be a stay at home mum.

Male gets to travel and progress career but controls finances with a half hearted attempt to include female. Female given £150 a month for treats, make up, clothes. Everything else is joint account but largely controlled by male.

Male will say “we need to watch what we spend, we need to save, we don’t have much left”

Then will say “let’s go for dinner, let’s go on holiday. Buys himself a £10k watch”.

Female feels controlled but when complain is told that “you wanted to be a stay at home mum and struggled with a full time job. I pay everything. You’re lucky”.

Any thoughts?

Also whilst travelling the male will go out and socialise (not an issue) but come home and question female about where abouts or behaviours if she went out.

Female discovers on a random occasion that when male said he was in bed at the hotel he was lying. Found to be lying on several times. Deleted all messages on what’s app on his colleagues group chat. Found to be visiting strippers. Found to be taken drugs. Excuses all of it with - forced to go and left as soon as possible, didnt want to tell me as didn’t want me to be mad.

Yes, the power is all wrong. He has too much.

Always been very controlling. Will comment on females in general and hint that I should wear tights on nights out.

I left last week as I’m unhappy. He promises to change and buys me gifts and invites me to dinner, drinks and promises to get a babysitter. I feel tempted and think maybe I am a lucky ungrateful woman?

My family say I’m living in a gilded cage. And I think it is true.

They have shown you repeatedly what their attitude is, so you know what to expect. Do you want more of that?

Male doesn't sound like a nice person. I hope for Female that they are married so she won't be screwed if he leaves her.

One thing, though, did Female not think about what would happen career-wise when she decided to have a baby during her Uni years? Why didn't they hire a nanny to enable both of them to travel and progress at work?

My point is that some women (me included!) don't want to prioritize their career when they have young DC. Most of the men are happy either for the woman to be a SAHM or for childcare to be sorted - they are not the ones preventing the women from progressing, they just prioritize their own career but don't prevent the women from doing the same.

Now, how to move on: if they want to stay together I suggest they sit down and talk about the family budget, and define how much 'paly' money each person is allowed.

No but it’s hard to break free. especially when you face a life (albeit short term hopefully) of lack of money, no job, no house.

The baby wasn’t planned and stupidly not prevented but no regrets now.

I admit I didn’t pursue my career as hard as I could of. I wanted time with my children and I enjoyed it and I feel grateful that I got it. But now we are on such uneven levels and it’s hard to change that now when his focus is work and money and mine is house and kids. I want more freedom and independence.

Other relationship issues we’ve had over the years

• seems to have a problem with drugs but not a true addiction. Will always want it when drinking. Caught him getting is passed through a friends window during a get together. Caught him taking it at a family bbq. Will sometimes drop on me that he’s going out with friends with no prior warning especially if drugs are around.
• behaves incredibly selfishly when taking the drugs. Will tell me to get lost basically and turn phone off. One occasion we went to dinner with friends. Him and friend disappeared from table and I found him at a bar chatting to 2 girls. There was a charge on our account for the girls drinks.

• works from home when not abroad. Will eat meals in his office. Will have very little interaction with me and kids. But justifies this as he works hard, has stressful job and provides for us.

• always wants more. More money, bigger house better car. I am happy living nicely. He wants to be a millionaire (and he probably will be)

Female is in a very vulnerable position not being married, but I don't think you can say the pregnancies were unplanned if nothing was done to prevent them.

I think they need to insist on marriage for some level of financial protection.

The first pregnancy was unplanned and a morning after pill failed.

The second was planned and we both hoped it could work.

He always promised marriage but acted until very recently. Just seems a bit too little to late and forced.

He always promised marriage but acted until very recently.

I didn’t understand this, do you mean you recently got married or agreed to marry?

This is not a partnership at all.

He's basically got the wife and kids to front his respectable side, but behaves like someone who's single. Why wouldn't he? He's got his cook, cleaner, nanny, sex on tap and he pays you £150.

You said you're worried about moving out and not having any money, you've got no money now, just happen to live in a nice house.

It's all wrong and way out of balance

For many many reasons, I think you made a 100% correct decision when you left. Don't let him lure you back in, he sounds completely incapable of changing or even understanding why you left.

Oh and don't forget to start a claim with the cms for child maintenance, y I know get a damn site more the £150

I agreed to marry him, I didn’t marry him. Sorry my mistake.

I’m finding it hard and almost tempted to return. Which is why I wrote this because I know I don’t need approval but I guess I’m just seeking an outsider or anyone to say “it’s wrong. Or you can’t fix it” even though in my heart I don’t want to go back.

I’m currently living in my dads spare room. He has the 4 bed house. But it’s in both of our names and has enough equity so that in time I can buy somewhere. I’m just feeling scared daunted and sucked in by his promises.

You are doing the right thing

You also need a good lawyer because you deserve to live nicely

Sounds shit and you're better out of it. You'll get a job and your own independence and not have to put up with a controlling abusive (financially and emotionally) man. He will have to pay child support and you will also be entitled to welfare help (have a look at entitled.com) . You are entitled to claim as soon as you split even if you're still living together.

Thank you. I think I know deep down what i need to do. I know deep down it don’t want it anymore. But the kids are asking when we’re going home. He’s begging for us to return. And it’s just so hard to say. No.

You do not have to waste the one short life that you have on a person who is not good to you. Why would you?

You sound to be an educated and intelligent woman - you can sort all the practical things out - daunting I know but you can do it.

I am always puzzled by how different people sort out their finances as a couple. DH and I had joint account from Day One - it was never an issue. We did not seek permission for expenditures; neither was "allowed" a specific weekly amount: we would discuss any really big item that we wanted to buy - we just trusted and respected each other.

I think if you cannot function in that way with a partner, he is the wrong person.

What a miserable situation for you, but you’ve done the right thing. He doesn’t love you. If you give in now and go back, he will soon revert to previous behaviour.

Youve been trapped from a a young age. He is gaslighting and financially abusing you. It sounds like a terrible life, I hope you find the strength to leave.

If he's asking you to go home, ithas to be completely on your terms.

No more mean controlling of money - it's all joint. You've given up your career to help his so it's only fair.
No more drugs and drinks for women.
proper involvement with the kids and chores, and being a family.

Of course he won't be able to do that

So don't go back.

your family have it absolutely right and you've done the right thing by leaving. Far better than being financially controlled by a man who wants to act like a sad idiot from the 80s with his coke and strippers.

You can rebuild your career, not saying you'll be in the top job straight away but you have an education and some experience on your side. Also you have a place to stay (for now) with your dad and equity from the house. Doesn't feel like it but you're in a strong position.

This silly man may never realise his faults so don't be tempted back in by the idea of an affluent life when to be honest, on £150 a month, you weren't really benefitting from it yourself.