Will me being an introvert effect my son?

[honestmomma]

I’m up breastfeeding my newborn son and thinking about how my introvert tendencies could effect him.

I’m a classic introvert. I love to be alone in my own world although I do live with my partner and enjoy his company / talking to friends and family on the phone daily I find I get very drained being around people for to long or to often. I’m also a bit of a hermit and love being at home, pottering around, cleaning, watching documentaries or doing some DIY. I also worked from home long before Covid and enjoy (enjoyed 😅) the solitude. I tend to prefer the idea of socialising more than socialising itself.

Obviously now I have my son things will be different at home but I’m worried he will pick up on my introversion and the fact I prefer to be home and end up being an introvert himself :( Due to Covid I haven’t been able to attend any local groups or classes and these probably won’t be running for rest of the year I really wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone to meet new people / mums so he doesn’t end up like me. Any other introvert mums out there with some tips? And will my son end up an introvert because I’m one?

What strikes me from your post is that you don’t sound at ease with your own introversion, to the point where you actively don’t want your son to be an introvert. For me, introversion or extroversion are both value neutrals, and the key thing is to model healthy relationships that you find worthwhile, and good self-esteem. Not saying ‘Don’t do what I do — be something entirely different!’

I'm an introvert too.

I went to a few baby groups with my first Daughter and would meet up with other Mums and babies every week or so, but not a great deal.

I assumed my Daughter would be exactly like me as she was really quiet until about 18 months old. She then suddenly came out of her shell. She is now 3 and is the loudest child when we meet up with other people. She absolutely loves being the centre of attention, she makes everyone howl with laughter and is filled with a confidence I wish that I had.

I didn't do anything in particular to make her this way, and if anything I'm really socially awkward when we meet up with other adults, but she somehow hasn't followed in my footsteps. I still can't believe how it's possible to have a child that is so extroverted when I'm nothing like that. She forces me to be more sociable, which is really hard at times, so if your son does turn out to be introverted, it might be a blessing!

I really recommend reading "Quiet" by Susan Cain - there is absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert! You just need to accept yourself and build on youd strengths.

I'm not sure that introvert / extrovert characteristics are learnt from parents. I have a very extroverted father but I'm highly introverted. In fact, it took me a long time to be comfortable with being an introvert because my parents were always pushing me to be more sociable when I often wanted to just go to my room and read a book. I'd say support your son and his developing personality rather than try to mould him into what you seem to think is 'better'.

As long as you give your son the space to be his own person, he'll grow and develop as he should. When he is older support him by organising play dates or allowing to have friends visit.

I had the opposite situation with my parents. My df was a loner and would not allow me or my siblings to have friends in the house or to visit them which create much the same feeling of unease.
Support your ds in how he wants to be, and he'll be fine

I don't think that being an introvert or an extrovert is learned behaviour. You are what you are.

I am an introvert. My family is a mix of the two..

Your DS will show his hand as he grows. Just support him in being himself and doing what he wants to do, within reason of course.

Two if my three DDs are fairly sociable and want to be going out with friends regularly. One is not and is happiest with her own company. This is all regardless of how I am.

People just are who they are. Not everything is learned.

I love the answers in this thread! Been introvert is not better or worse than been an extrovert. But I totally understand your fear since it is a social construct, praising extroversion.

Intro/extra is not learnt but social skills can be. Love your baby as you do, you are doing great. When your child is older follow their cues. Offer opportunities for them to socialize. During covid it doesn't matter how much you need it, it is what it is for everybody. But when the time comes, you will have more chances. Don't worry.in the meantime.

www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

I’m an introvert and my dd age 10 is a social butterfly. She would spend every minute of the day with people. I am the total opposite. She always goes visiting dh family, sometimes I pass and stay at home or make myself busy. I get drained too.
Play dates etc are a massive chore for me, I hate them. But she loves them and I have to use all my energy to gear myself up for them..I tend to have dh there with me so I don’t feel overwhelmed. Only an introvert would understand.
I like hill walking, scenic days out but dd likes city days and busy places.
It’s about compromise.

This thread is so reassuring. I have nothing useful to add I'm afraid, but was thinking of posting something very similar myself! I've got 7 month old twins and I'm hugely introverted. I feel that lockdown has made me even more so; I bloody loved that there was no pressure to see anyone or join any groups It has made me "worry" about the effect on them. But truthfully I agree with PPs that introversion isn't a flaw. And it's good to know that it probably won't rub off on them anyway

My whole family are introverts. I do agree with pp that introversion is not a learned behaviour but also think there is probably something in the way we model our relationships, and the way we choose to spend time. We don't have lots of visitors to our home, for example. I like to see my friends out for coffee, dinner, a walk (i.e. a predetermined activity that my introvert self can call a day after an hour if needed!). We always made our dcs friends welcome and told them they could invite people whenever. However they are now teens and rarely have their friends here (never, in my ds's case). They do their socialising at school or online.

My dsis is an extrovert and their house is full of people. I would say all three of her kids are extroverts, the youngest is particularly gregarious.

I do think I had no energy for school mum friendships, and that is the way many littlies begin their social life. I was never at the school pick up and found it really draining starting up conversations with virtual strangers.

I am very comfortable with my.own introversion now and realise there can be a significant prejudice to our 'type' in the world so work hard to explore the positives of introversion with my kids. We all survived lockdown pretty well so I think in these days of reduced social contact introverts will manage extremely well!

Im an introvert and so is DH. I didnt do many "mum and baby" classes with the kids at all.
They are both in school now and total social butterflies.
The younger one is 4 and just started school and has a several playdates a week, which she initiates (no covid restrictions where we live). And my 6 year old never seems to come home after school.

Just because youre introverted doesnt mean your kids will be.
And even if he is, it isnt something bad at all.
Also, i dont think you can train to be an extrovert. Maybe you can get used to social situations to a certain point, but you cant completely change who he is by going/not going to classes.

My mum is an introvert (she absolutely loved lockdown!) but she produced two extrovert children (me and my brother). She did always encourage us to have our friends over.

I'm happy being an introvert and think it's helped my children understand the value of having some calm and quiet when they need it but am also making a conscious effort to make sure they have opportunity to do things socially and that I model healthy friendships. My mother was a hermit and I don't recall her ever having any friends other than her siblings (scattered across the country). No school mums, no neighbours round for coffee, and I wish she had as it's been a rocky road for me at times in terms of social confidence and getting friendships right and balanced. I'd say there's nothing wrong at all with being an introvert and for your children to be introverted but make sure you don't inadvertantly hold them back from having developing social skills.

We've got 4 DC. 3 extroverts, 1 introvert. All brought up the same. Pretty sure it's inate.

I think being a normal introvert is absolutely fine. Unfortunately both my parents were not only introverted, they eschewed most human relationships, having no real friends, never went out, never picked up the phone just for a chat, didn't even have particularly close relationships with their own parents and siblings. And I do think that affected me, because there was nothing for me to learn from, no modelling of how human interactions work. I don't really know how to build and maintain friendships, I try to copy other people but it doesn't come naturally. I yearn to be around people but introversion has been somewhat forced upon me.

However, there were plenty of things they did to exacerbate the situation, like sending me to a school miles away from where we lived, so I didn't meet up with friends outside of school; I was an only child so there was that added loneliness; and I went to single sex schools all the way through, so boys were totally alien to me.

Basically there are plenty of things you can do to ensure your children get to learn these behaviours from others if you know you don't demonstrate them yourself.

He might turn out either way, and both are fine. You're aware of it, so unlikely to hold him back. You could look for opportunities for him to socialise while you don't have to. When he's a toddler, head for the play park. You can sit quietly, pretending to check your phone, or just keeping an eye out for him. You don't have to talk to others, but he'll be able to. At playgroups look for another quiet or shy mum and try to make friends with her so the pair of you can couple up in companionable silence on the sidelines while other mums socialise. As he gets older, he can make friends at activities you don't need to be part of. You only drop off and collect at cubs and scouts. You can sit quietly at swimming, gym, martial arts etc.
I'd make a concession to having friends round for tea every fortnight but those could be drop offs too. You don't have to invite the other parents in. They'd probably be grateful for a bit of free time themselves.

There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert, but I think it’s important to support your child making friends and socialising, especially when they’re at nursery/ school. My DD started school last year and I made an effort to chat to the other parents from her class, even though I found it draining and felt quite shy. It meant we had some play dates and trips to the park after school (before lockdown), which she really enjoyed. I noticed how much happier she was when she went back to school in June and could play with other children - it’s really important at that age. To me, it’s worth making the effort to be sociable to help your child.

ImaginaryCat, my sympathies - I had similar parents, and it affected my life. I think we all learn patterns of behaviour, even if our own personalities shape how we act too. A tendency to introversion isn't bad but anti-social isolation is.

DH and I are both introverts and very happy about it. Being an extrovert sounds exhausting and I think being happy in your own company is a real gift. DS is 13 months and I suspect he will probably be an introvert but it's a bit early to tell. He is, however, surrounded by very extroverted staff at nursery so I think he'll get the best of both worlds.

My parents sent us to schools miles away too! And we moved when I was mid teens, with a school ten miles away. Didn't help at all. Things I have no intention of repeating with my own DC.

What’s wrong with being a introvert ?

I would actually say I’m probably extrovert as I love going out and doing stuff but I am also perfectly happy to spend time on my own and I like my own company too so I’m A bit of both!

An ambivert

@crankysaurus - Iv never heard of that before. That’s me too.

My daughter is 100% an extrovert though currently. She’s 9. Tons of friends, always FaceTiming them and chatting before and after school on her iPad. Sleepovers all the time, mates over for tea etc.

I think that it's probably innate rather than learnt.