Sad I'll never have a passionate snog again!

[SugarAddiction]

Married forever, kids grown and left home. Marriage hasn't been the best but we've both mellowed as time has passed.

DH & I have little in common but get on ok I suppose. We rarely spend any leisure time together, and don't have many couple friend that we socialise with. No sex for a long time, down to me going off it years ago & we never got our groove back.

Neither of us would end the marriage, so that won't happen but God I am quite sad I won't ever have a passionate snog again.
I feel like I have forgotten how to kiss!

To be honest I think a very significant number of couples in your age bracket who have been together 30 odd years are in a similar boat one way or another.

Yes you have one life but I know several couples in your age bracket that would take financial security and a great lifestyle over sex any day. Of course most 30-40 somethings might have a different view on this

Sorry am at work but on a quick break. 🙂

Yes, the grass isn't it always greener and @RaisinGhost and @Wherearemymarbles I agree with what you say.

To the pp who think we dislike each other - we don't, we get on perfectly well and care about each other, we just don't spend much time in each other's company and there's just no passion now.

@Katiefizz, re finances - no we weren't hard up, he just likes being in control & I think you were right when you said not considering others' needs breeds resentment but I guess I'm guilty of that too with the no sex thing.

I don't get why the op thinks divorce would be worse than the current situation. There are such things as friends and nice flatmates to help with loneliness and why would the flat have to be in a shitty area? If it's half the value of your house buy half a similar house. Maybe even consider converting your existing home. If you have dependent children you're likely to be awarded the family home until they're grown up anyway.

Ultimately OP you've got to make a choice and live with the consequences - as we all do.

@RuffleCrow, the kids have left home now.
I have made my choice, I doubt I will leave but that doesn't stop me having pangs of regret occasionally, and it IS only occasionally! Most of the time, life is perfectly fine. 🙂

I do wonder how many people are living similar lives though. More than we think, is my estimate.

I think change is always scary, but often the reality is a lot less bad than you fear it will be.

Okay, I accept that you don't dislike each other. But if you stay with him, you'll have to be prepared to be living as you are for 20-30 more years. Can you live with that? Or will you resent him even more when you or he become infirm?

Many couples do divorce at your time of life and build new lives for themselves, either finding a new relationship or a fulfilling life on their own.

But it's a decision only you and your DH can make at the end of the day. Good luck, whatever you decide.

@Mittens030869 thanks, it's true what you say about the next 20 odd yrs...

But it comes down to whats important.
And at 60 you are pretty much done financially which means any decisions you make now you likely stuck with until you die.

And why the fuck would someone nearing 60 want to live in a flat share???

As i said before the choice at 40 year would make is not likely one a 60 year old would make. Also to consider is lots of people in the age group have little interest in sex so there is no guarantee you’d meet your soul mate any!

I am at the thought of flat sharing!!

You've got three options in staying...

Stay and make an effort in improving the relationship - , counselling, dates, time

Stay and maintain the status quo. In which case build up your friendships, life outside the relationship..

Stay and take on a lover ( I would massively advice against this)

@bellinique why do you ask?

@bellinique ignore my response. I thought you were responding to me and I am careful exactly what details I give away online due to personal circumstances.

You've been married 30 years, you'd be entitled to half of everything, house/pensions/savings - doesn't matter whose name it's in.

The next 20 years are your retirement years with any luck, and also the deterioration of old age... What happens if you get infirm? Do you see him as caring for you, will you trust yourself to this man who has been controlling your entire marriage? And should he become infirm, what then? Do you see yourself doing the caring?

If I was you, I'd want to sell up and have a little place of my own - it's what you make of it, after all - not having to put up with his crap anymore.

@OhYeahYouSuck no worries but I promise there was no hidden agenda. Just genuinely curious as to whether there are couples who keep that passion after many years together.

@category12 I know I'd get half of everything but I still don't want to downsize/downgrade my lifestyle.

As for getting older, I've no reason to believe he wouldn't care for me. He was great when I had surgery and took good care of me.
He's also very supportive with my work which can be stressful, can't fault him on that.

No, we are both nice people but don't really gel any longer, sadly.

I think I will just build up a good network of friends and do my own thing.

I guess it depends what you value more OP if your lifestyle is the most important thing to you then stay but can you really continue as you are when you’re not really happy in your relationship? You deserve to be happy.

Are you able to talk to him about this and try to work to improve things together? Having a lovely lifestyle and material things would be great but surely it can only give you a certain level of happiness?

I've been married twenty years and we still snog like teenagers in the back row of the cinema...

[quote bellinique]@OhYeahYouSuck no worries but I promise there was no hidden agenda. Just genuinely curious as to whether there are couples who keep that passion after many years together.[/quote]
I get that. I know of couples that do, they have had many happy years together. I think that's what my relationship will be like after having had an 18 year one like the OP describes. This one feels completely different and did from the very start.