Sad I'll never have a passionate snog again!

[SugarAddiction]

Married forever, kids grown and left home. Marriage hasn't been the best but we've both mellowed as time has passed.

DH & I have little in common but get on ok I suppose. We rarely spend any leisure time together, and don't have many couple friend that we socialise with. No sex for a long time, down to me going off it years ago & we never got our groove back.

Neither of us would end the marriage, so that won't happen but God I am quite sad I won't ever have a passionate snog again.
I feel like I have forgotten how to kiss!

[FredaFrogspawn]

Could you suggest an open marriage? There would be risks of course but this situation sounds really hard on him. You ‘went off’ him - you must have wanted and loved him at some point - so how is he feeling about the rejection?

[category12]

You only have one life, there are no do-overs.

[FippertyGibbett]

Why about a weekend away ?
I have a friend who is about 58 and her and her hubby only have sex when they’re away and it’s all a bit ‘special’.
A nice hotel, a couple of drinkies to loosen you up ( but not too much ) and see what happens. No pressure. Just slide across the bed in the dark, imagine someone you fancy and give him a cuddle.

[fatgirlslimmer]

@SugarAddiction

Yeah it pretty much is a definite No *@Katiefizz*.

Whilst I do find him attractive sometimes, I just can't imagine getting it on with him these days!

Can you actually imagine getting it on with anyone else? There’s a difference between thinking about it and doing it.

Seems a bit selfish, imo, that it was you that went off sex and were happy to let it slide and now you’re dissatisfied. How did your DH deal with coming to terms with a sexless marriage?

[Bl3ss3dm0m]

Such a sad situation. I really think that you should go for marriage counselling, just so that you have someone who can ask questions, and nudge answers out of both of you, but not with any particular goal in front of you. However it may help clarify for both of you whether all things considered you are both reasonably happy to let things continue as they are for the rest of your lives, or whether one or both of you would like a chance to improve your lives together at the moment, or even if one or both of you think that actually there is no really good reason for you to stay together. I think that life must surely be even a little better if both of you know how each other are feeling, and what the future is potenially going to be like.

[SugarAddiction]

I'm not really sure how he feels these days about the lack of sex. Last time (2yrs ago) it wasn't good, whether that was down to physical reasons or he no longer fancies me, I don't know. We're both nearly 60 - the body doesn't always work as we want it! 🙂

The sex always used to be great, I stopped having it because he was quite controlling and I just didn't want it. He was not impressed and complained bitterly. I told him to leave or find someone else.
It's always been quite an unequal marriage, with him holding all the cards; I was quite resentful of him back then.

He is still controlling financially - house (that he owned before we met) in his name still, even though we've been married 30yrs, but he's very generous. I work part time but am not expected to contribute to bills, etc.

Whoever said they think this is a common situation, I think you're right. We could split, I'd get at least 50% I imagine.
However I live in a very expensive area and don't earn a great deal. Things aren't so bad that I'd be willing to give up my lifestyle to be worse off.

I met a couple similar age to us the other day and they were so sorted and a 'team' that it brought it home to me that we are not (obviously I've known this for a while, it just really jumped out at me that day).

@fatgirlslimmer, I'm not dissatisfied, more just sad that I won't enjoy that passion again.
My life is good, there are people a lot worse off than me but I'm entitled to feel sad occasionally I think.

[Michaelbaubles]

The alternative is to be divorced, then having to live in a vile flat, in a not pleasant area, miles from dc secondary school. On your own, no one to share life with, no one to fall back on, no one to listen to your day.

This isn’t my, or many people’s, experience of divorce! I have a DP now but when I was on my own I lived in a lovely new build, nearer to school, with friends near by and in a nice town. Life is what you make it. Don’t let an imaginary shit life stop you getting out of a real dull one.

[Walkacrossthesand]

The 'new lovely DP' isn't necessarily part of the package unfortunately - yes it can happen, but you have no control over that, so best to envisage happiness on your own as the alternative to a 'meh' marriage. There's plenty of us who have been on our own post divorce for a loooing time with no sign of that ever changing.

[Katiefizz]

Well if passion is unobtainable in this relationship, is friendship possible? You could still be "a team", just a different kind of team.

In what ways is he financially controlling?

[RuffleCrow]

Is really your choice not to ever have that again. If you choose to be brave and end your sexless marriage you greatly increase your chances. Are you religious or otherwise socially conservative about divorce? How many lives do you think you're likely to get?

[SugarAddiction]

@Katiefizz, it was more when I was a sahm, lack of access to accounts, etc. We still don't have joint accounts even now.
Obviously now I have my own job, it's not so bad.
He was also quite selfish in a way that if I suggested anything (where we went on holiday, house improvements, literally anything) unless he wanted it, it never happened.

@RuffleCrow, I am neither, just not dumb enough to give up a relatively good lifestyle for a slight regret that I'll never have a passionate snog again.

[daisyjgrey]

My god split up so you're not both miserable forevermore. Why would you resign yourself to the rest of your life with someone who you feel like this about?

[TwentyViginti]

OP, I'm older than you, single and relatively poor - but I'd rather be in my shoes than yours. Pre covid, I fancied sex? Could get it. Fancied dating for a while? Could do it.

Although financially limited, my life is my own.

[beautifulxdisasters]

Blimey you're only in your your 50s OP. Do you really want to live with this bloke for the next 30 years? That's a long time.

If you've been married 30 years the house will count as a marital asset even if it's in his name.

[ilikemethewayiam]

OP, from what you’ve said about the finances, he’s horribly abusive although I’m sure you don’t view it that way. He controls the finances, therefore he controls you. After all these years you don’t even have a joint bank account! He decides how you live, where you go, if you go on holiday etc. I was in this position 20 years ago. I couldn’t take it any more. I went back to Uni, got a really good degree and got a decent job. I left with nothing, bought a decent little flat and worked my way back up. Yes I was a lot poorer than all of my friends who had dual incomes. They were having holidays abroad, new cars, meals out but I was just starting over, on one wage and paying a large mortgage. It’s very tough watching your friends and family have the lifestyle you feel you deserve but I was still happier than in my marriage. Eventually I met and married a nice man in my 50’s and whilst 80% of our wealth was earned by him before we met, he shares everything with me. We have a joint account and I have access to any money I want and can spend it as I want. He is happy to make me happy!. I know there is no guarantee of this OP but leaving and building your own life back up and making your own choices albeit limited by finances, is so empowering. I think at the very least you should speak to a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to. You may be in a better position than you think. It’s never too late.

[WakingUp55643]

When you get married you don't sign your sex life away. It sounds like you feel as if you're stuck because you made a promise years ago. I feel the same! I'm stuck in a sexless marriage and I feel empty, and I don't want to spend the next 40 years living like a nun. Things change, people change, and you shouldn't feel bad for wanting more out of life. God I really want the snog that leaves me weak at the knees, the sexy glances, the loving touches, and yes I want the ragingly hot f*.
I realise I can only get that if I move on. It's not easy to do, but you need to live your life and not get to the end of it full of regrets.

[Katiefizz]

Not having a joint bank account isn't abusive. I don't have one because I prefer to keep things separate.

Also not agreeing to do things you don't want to do isn't abusive either. Maybe this was part of a system of abuse, but when my husband says "let's build an extension" I'm not being abusive to disagree.

It's selfish to never take into consideration another person's needs and wants though. And it's going to lead to resentment in a relationship.

The lack of access to finances as a sahm.... This is absolutely financially controlling and abusive. I'm not surprised you hold resentment. Was this something that he did intentionally or were finances so low that he had no option? Were you involved in decisions about how and where to spend money in the family?

[SoulofanAggron]

The alternative is to be divorced, then having to live in a vile flat, in a not pleasant area, miles from dc secondary school. On your own, no one to share life with, no one to fall back on, no one to listen to your day.

@Oblomov20 I have my own flat and I really enjoy it. It's a space of peace and freedom. If I want to chat to people I can chat to friends etc.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

[ChristmasFluff]

You know you're going to have an affair with the first man who shows you some attention, yeah? That snog urge will see to that.

I divorced largely because I felt like you do, and I recognised I'd cheat if I stayed. I certainly don't think it is dumb to value possessions over happiness.

[ChristmasFluff]

Ooops, somehow deleted the rest of that sentence - 'but neither is it dumb to value happiness over possessions'

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Whilst I do find him attractive sometimes, I just can't imagine getting it on with him these days!

But surely that’s just because you haven’t done for so long. If you’re resigned to staying together why not try to rekindle things?

To be perfectly honest, even with my current DP who I love and fancy the pants off, if we haven’t had sex for a week or two I’m not fussed. But once we do, then the spark is reignited and I want to do it more. It’s almost like it switches off when he’s not around so I’m not tempted to do it with anyone else then when we do kiss I feel a bit shy and it takes a bit of warming up, but once it’s on, it’s the best thing ever.

It’s worth a shot surely? Otherwise I’d be looking at trying to find a way to live a separate life, even if you share a house still. Life’s too short to never snog anyone again.

[Mittens030869]

I think you should consider ending this for both your sakes. Your lives sound miserable tbh. It would be different if you actually cared for each other and you had the desire to bring some spark back into your relationship. You could then have couples therapy. But you and your H seem to actively dislike each other. Or at least, you dislike him.

My DH and I haven't had sex for a very long time. This is because of how exhausting our life has been looking after our adopted DDs (now 11 and 8). I've also been coping with PTSD symptoms and I struggle with intimacy. We were intimate in the early years, but the memories of my childhood SA came flooding back when we had young DDs and I withdrew from him sadly.

But the difference is that we do love each other and enjoy each other's company. When we get time to ourselves to be a couple, we always get on well. So it gives me hope that as our DDs become more independent, there will a chance to get the spark back into our marriage. Especially as I have processed the traumatic memories in therapy.

I know that change can be scary, but you would be able to build a new life.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

The alternative is to be divorced, then having to live in a vile flat, in a not pleasant area, miles from dc secondary school. On your own, no one to share life with, no one to fall back on, no one to listen to your day.

Or to live in a lovely house within walking distance of your DCs’ secondary school, by yourself so you can choose exactly what you want to do and when, with a new DP who makes you weak at the knees when he looks at you, let alone kisses you.

Divorce doesn’t have to be shit OP.

[Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd]

Have an affair.

[RaisinGhost]

I understand OP. I think pp sums it up.

I have other passions now. Maybe that is just the way life goes.

We can't have everything at all times our whole life. I miss the parties of my 20s, but it wouldn't be the same if I went now. I loved when my dc were babies, but I can't just keep having babies to enjoy it for longer. Sometimes life moves on.

For anyone saying ditch him and get a new DP who is wonderful... Life doesn't work that way I'm afraid. Of course there is nothing wrong with leaving a marriage if you aren't happy, there is also nothing wrong with deciding that a "good enough" marriage is exactly that.