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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

That nasty look.......

36 replies

Lext · 10/09/2020 21:13

I think I'm dating a narcissist. Left an unhappy marriage with some violence only to find myself 4 years down the line with a partner with some worrying traits. Not the same but none the less worrying.

He seems to punish me with sulks for all sorts of reasons (or no reasons as most the time I don't have a clue! And he won't tell me or admit he's sulking!). But it's the look - the smirk that he does that just shows he knows what he's doing. And we're counting on days not hours.

Try not to acknowledge it but it's hard. Hoping he can learn a healthier approach to communication as we are committed and I can't just walk away.

Any tips for some sanity?

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 10/09/2020 21:18

Why can you not walk away? No one has to stay in a relationship where they are unhappy.

johnd2 · 10/09/2020 21:18

Firm Boundaries and calling him out on it if you are happy to put so much effort in

Original poster
Lext · 10/09/2020 21:21

New house and a long mortgage with big penalties. Done it a few times but really spread out but seems to be more since we moved in. Don't know if it's the extra stresses of lockdown of him starting a new job.

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 10/09/2020 21:23

It's because he's got you locked in by the mortgage.

Shouldbedoing · 10/09/2020 21:24

A bit like showing true colours in pregnancy/ newborn times.

Original poster
Lext · 10/09/2020 21:28

I just don't get the need for control. What happened to people just being nice and normal! And the thought of going back to the dating scene again terrifies me! I'm sure I attract them!

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 10/09/2020 21:29

I agree with @Shouldbedoing that it'll be at least in part because he knows you can't easily leave.

He sounds really nasty, and that's without you even having to describe much of what he does.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2020 21:30

You've already suffered an abusive relationship. Why are you putting up with this again? It's madness.

Original poster
Lext · 10/09/2020 21:33

You question yourself. Am I being paranoid? Am I looking for problems? Because of the past. And try not to let that shape you but somehow you find yourself in a similar situation. He's charming, well educated usually a joy to be around. But when he's like this there's a darkness.

OP posts:
CatsFantastic · 10/09/2020 21:34

Ok I’m going to give you a bit of tough love here OP

Remember how with your ex you kept making excuses to leave ?
And then when you finally did you felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from your shoulders?

Stop making excuses, if your partner is being nasty to you then leave. Life is too short.

crystalize · 10/09/2020 21:34

Sulking is a form of emotional abuse. He knows exactly what hes doing, this will only get worse in time. If you can't leave him soon then do not ever apologise, jolly him out of it, or try to make him see what he's doing. Get yourself out somewhere, preferably overnight and ignore the twat.

Onlythepoets · 10/09/2020 21:35

How long have you been together? You say you’re dating.

Original poster
Lext · 10/09/2020 21:37

3.5 years.

OP posts:
NotaWickedStepMum55 · 10/09/2020 22:01

If you want to stay with him, then you have to address this behaviour - don't ignore it, try to chivvy him out of it, ask what's wrong etc etc - nothing works (I have been there).

What does work is saying to him ' I'm not staying here while you are behaving this way, I'm off out, I'll be back (say when). I do hope you will be in a better mood by then '. And then off you go. You won't be there to be 'punished'. He will look a fool. Of course if you have children this will be harder, but not impossible.

It worked for me. He needs to be shown that you can't be treated in this way. Good luck.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/09/2020 22:16

But it's the look - the smirk that he does that just shows he knows what he's doing

That's why I can confidently assure you it's a dead loss. He doesn't want to communicate effectively, he wants to you suffering just like the last tosser did.

willowmelangell · 10/09/2020 22:17

Can you take yourself out for the day? He would drop the act while you were not there to be on the receiving end. When you get back, keep busy.

Don't tie yourself into knots trying to put things right. Ignore it like a toddler tantrum. He'll get over himself in his own sweet time.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 10/09/2020 22:32

I agree with the other poster who said now he's got you locked into a mortgage he can hide the pretense of being a decent bloke and just show his true colours. It could have been worse. He could have kept his true nature hidden until you were pregnant, so really, you've had a lucky escape.

Mortgage penalty wise - how much are you talking?

WiserOlder · 10/09/2020 22:33

@Shouldbedoing

It's because he's got you locked in by the mortgage.
Agree. He thinks you will put up with his stonewalling and sulking because you are trapped
Lugubelenus · 10/09/2020 22:36

You're not tied to him forever, you can sell the house and move on. It sounds like you've gone from one abusive relationship to another without much pause for breath. You need time on your own. Don't settle for someone who treats you badly.

WiserOlder · 10/09/2020 22:39

In the shorter term, i would disappear for a few days. Check in to a local hudget hotel!

Do that every time he punishes you with sulking and silent treatment.

Bunnymumy · 10/09/2020 22:39

You might as well wish a lion chewing on your leg will magically change into a dear that only eats grass.

He is a predator op. And guess what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner? You. Run.

Bunnymumy · 10/09/2020 22:39

*deer

Original poster
Lext · 12/09/2020 18:02

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1

I agree with the other poster who said now he's got you locked into a mortgage he can hide the pretense of being a decent bloke and just show his true colours. It could have been worse. He could have kept his true nature hidden until you were pregnant, so really, you've had a lucky escape.

Mortgage penalty wise - how much are you talking?

25k. He's announced today that he wants to put the house on the market. I tried not to react but I'm really fed up.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lext · 12/09/2020 18:04

@WiserOlder

In the shorter term, i would disappear for a few days. Check in to a local hudget hotel! Do that every time he punishes you with sulking and silent treatment.
If it was just me I would by my kids live with us. Thankfully my parents are there for me. They provide some calm and support.
OP posts:
WiserOlder · 12/09/2020 18:59

I hope the house sells quickly Wine
You'll find somewhere else.

You'll be better off just you your kids and your parents xx

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