That nasty look.......

[Lext]

I think I'm dating a narcissist. Left an unhappy marriage with some violence only to find myself 4 years down the line with a partner with some worrying traits. Not the same but none the less worrying.

He seems to punish me with sulks for all sorts of reasons (or no reasons as most the time I don't have a clue! And he won't tell me or admit he's sulking!). But it's the look - the smirk that he does that just shows he knows what he's doing. And we're counting on days not hours.

Try not to acknowledge it but it's hard. Hoping he can learn a healthier approach to communication as we are committed and I can't just walk away.

Any tips for some sanity?

25k. He's announced today that he wants to put the house on the market. I tried not to react but I'm really fed up.

Perfect 👌

Sell it and thank your lucky stars. Yes of course he's started being much worse because now he has you. If he'll sell the house great - get rid.

Oh god, @Lext you're not the poster whose "partner" goes in day/week long sulks at a time as a deliberately punitive "treatment" for you? He lived with his mum but wanted to buy somewhere together, despite the fact he would go literally weeks ignoring your calls/texts/even in-person home visits in order to prove a point?!

If it's a different poster I apologise, but it all sounds very similar, even down to your DC being affected by his moods.

Whenever there is a "sulking" thread, there are pages and pages of advice and experience from women (and men) who have been through the same thing and they all say the same: LEAVE! It will never, never get better. Yet the woman/women is always reluctant to label it as emotional abuse (it is!) and seeks only advice on how to change the man and his behaviour, how to get him to communicate better!

It drives me insane. The signs are always, always there from early on in the relationship, but they are ignored, in the belief that if you just hang around for him, just be patient, just get him to commit to moving in, he will magically become someone who doesn't use one of the most cruel forms of emotional abuse to bend your behaviour to fit his narrative.

What was this sulk even about?!

@malbecchio

Oh god, *@Lext you're not the poster whose "partner" goes in day/week long sulks at a time as a deliberately punitive "treatment" for you? He lived with his mum but wanted to buy somewhere together, despite the fact he would go literally* weeks ignoring your calls/texts/even in-person home visits in order to prove a point?!

If it's a different poster I apologise, but it all sounds very similar, even down to your DC being affected by his moods.

Whenever there is a "sulking" thread, there are pages and pages of advice and experience from women (and men) who have been through the same thing and they all say the same: LEAVE! It will never, never get better. Yet the woman/women is always reluctant to label it as emotional abuse (it is!) and seeks only advice on how to change the man and his behaviour, how to get him to communicate better!

It drives me insane. The signs are always, always there from early on in the relationship, but they are ignored, in the belief that if you just hang around for him, just be patient, just get him to commit to moving in, he will magically become someone who doesn't use one of the most cruel forms of emotional abuse to bend your behaviour to fit his narrative.

What was this sulk even about?!

Not not me.

Apparently it was a diy incident that triggered it. I ask why he was doing something in a certain way as I genuinely didn't understand. He had a strop and told me to do it myself. So I did. Apparently that was the wrong answer despite the fact I'm quite hands on and lived on my own. Thinks it's really a need to be needed?

If he wants to put the house on the market then bloody well let him and get out of the relationship. £25k penalty between you both is £12.5k for you. Look upon it as an expensive mistake made and the price you have to pay to get out of the relationship. Your other option is to keep the £12.5k and be in a miserable relationship leading a miserable life for the duration of your mortgage. Fuck that, i'd rather be £12.5k down.

OP, once you are free of this chap, please don’t date or move in with any other man until you have had counselling, done the Freedom Programme, and read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, a specialist in abusive men.
Otherwise you risk repeating your pattern and picking another abuser.
You need to understand how these bastards reel you in with love bombing, the tactics they employ to grind you down, the red flags to avoid in relationships, and you need to build strong boundaries.

I'm laying low and not reacting. But drained.

The thing that's playing on my mind is he knew what things were like for me when we met - struggling through a divorce and child custody with a sometimes violent 'knuckle dragger' (his words). I'd lost confidence and really had to battle with my insecurities. Over the last 4 years I feel like I finally found me again. I no longer worry if he doesn't return a call, learnt to trust again and regained my spark. Good job and financially independent. But I was generally able to do this in this relationship. Yes these episode happen and may be seeming to get more frequent but if he's also a narcissist but with different traits why did he let me rebuild?

@Babdoc

OP, once you are free of this chap, please don’t date or move in with any other man until you have had counselling, done the Freedom Programme, and read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, a specialist in abusive men. Otherwise you risk repeating your pattern and picking another abuser. You need to understand how these bastards reel you in with love bombing, the tactics they employ to grind you down, the red flags to avoid in relationships, and you need to build strong boundaries.

Thanks. I Daren't order the book just yet but i will. Don't think I'm bothered for another man. I was much more vulnerable last time. I still feel like I've got my strength somewhere at the moment.

I like this. Seems to make sense

"Not not me" does this mean you ARE the same poster @Lext?!! I don't mean to sound cruel but what the hell were you thinking not only forgiving him On EVERY previous occasion but literally begging him to speak to you each time, including letting you bang on his (mum's) door for 30 mins in the rain?!

It was pointed out on four or five different threads that his behaviour was escalating but each new incident/thread you/the previous poster would write (rather disingenuously) as if it was only an occasional occurrence and not a very obvious pattern of aggressive stonewalling. He was ignoring your children, eating you out of house and home and only seemed interested in moving in with you on a joint mortgage presumably so you could fund his petulant lifestyle.

Please, please can you admit that this is not a healthy or fulfilling relationship and make plans to extricate you and your daughters. Don't let them think this is how you think men should treat them. He is using you, and abusing you, and he will NOT change. Only you can change the narrative.

I fear that like all the other times, though, you will make excuses for him, beg for crumbs of his attention/affection, feel relieved when he deigns to speak to you again and the pattern will repeat itself. You've tied yourself to him thinking it will make him behave and communicate better, that he will change. He absolutely will not. Please try and see that!!

Apologies - typo. Definitely not me and I haven't read the thread but will. I'm new to the site and haven't quite worked out how to tag people etc.
I will try to locate the one you're on about and have a read. My partner hasn't involved my parents. Apart from seeing he's quiet/ sulky etc most people wouldn't have a clue.

@Lext
I had a sulker. He never sulked when we rented together but once we got a mortgage he went back on the weed and became a lazy shit. There's truth to the for you locked up now analogy.

Try a last sensible chat related to the mention of selling the house. Makes clear you don't care about the money (he does!) so unless his behaviour and communication improves then that is the path you will choose because you don't need this sort of negativity in your life.

I bet he turns the chat into a row. Don't bite. Note down his cruel attempts to put you down.

£12.5k is nothing in the longer scheme of life. I bet he's the one making a huge deal about £25k isn't he