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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is it hard to break it off even when it's so toxic

32 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 10/09/2020 20:37

Been dating a guy for nearly 8 weeks. Have a history of toxic relationships so I'm very careful. I got really upset about a couple of things - if angry he'll dump me (saying things like "you are too independent to want a relationship"), and he demands a lot of attention, getting very upset when he sees I've been on Facebook but not in touch with him.

Friends overheard a conversation I had with him about Facebook and he accused me of being with somone else. They told me I should congratulate them for not barging in and telling him he was treating me really badly and if I did dump him and see someone else instead, that would be down to him and no one else.

I feel pressured to spend every minute of my free time with him and I was starting to get very tired. . It's very hard to end a conversation with him. Loads of arguments. That's my fault -rather than accept that someone can't have healthy boundaries and move on, I argue about whether it's reasonable to do xyz.

My therapist did an unusual thing and jumped in with a suggestion (they never do that) - "get out right now, there are red flags everywhere"

So I had a conversation with him tonight about what would look like healthy right now - texts exchanged, a call once or twice a week, see eachother fortnightly (is long distance). He accused me of being dishonest - must be that there's someone else. Then he said this wasn't a relationship and I was just using him for sex.

I dumped him. As kindly as I could. We are now organising the return of his things.

My decision and the right decision. Why does it feel so awful then?

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 10/09/2020 20:41

Because you are trained to put up with it, so asserting boundaries feels uncomfortable.

picklemewalnuts · 10/09/2020 20:42

Because you didn't Ben over backwards to appease him and make it work

picklemewalnuts · 10/09/2020 20:43

Because you hoped this was the start of something good, and it's disappointing that it's another false start.

picklemewalnuts · 10/09/2020 20:46

How about making a list of the positives- you ended it before
there were complications like kids, mortgages, shared tenancies, shared furniture, family connections.
you had compromised your sense of self
He damaged your other relationships
Etc

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 10/09/2020 20:52

Oh gosh yes. And I've been there - living with someone, completely in love but unable to have friends, spend time with family, go to choir or wear high heels out of the house. Terrified they'll harm me, or worse my daughter. Very much feel I've avoided a very similar situation.

OP posts:

xsquared · 10/09/2020 20:56

Trauma bonding.

You will feel guilty for breaking up with him because he has trained you to do so. People like him are manipulative and do not give a shit about your needs and boundaries, that's why you feel pressured. You should not be feeling any threat or pressure in a healthy relationship.

His feelings are not your responsibility.

Well done for getting out and be glad you got out sooner rather than later.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 10/09/2020 21:11

Took all of 20 minutes for him to start leaving messages saying I'm right, I deserve better treatment, he's sorry, can he have just 5 minutes of my time.

I. Must. Stay. Away.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 10/09/2020 21:14

You must stay away.

He's viewing you as a game, he's completing levels, playing the system, trying to win.

That's not what a relationship looks like.

Hang in there, you know better.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 10/09/2020 21:38

Got phone on silent and am holding my ground

OP posts:

xsquared · 10/09/2020 21:45

He is already disrespecting your boundaries by making a "small" request just to see whether he can "win". Don't fall for it.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 10/09/2020 21:52

Now a very long message telling me all the things I'd love to hear and more and begging me for another chance. Nope nope nope.

OP posts:

changedagain12 · 10/09/2020 22:02

Have you only been seeing him for 8 weeks?

If so I guarantee that within one to two months it will completely have stopped hurting. Like a switch being turned off.

In the meantime block and work on your past difficult experiences with your therapist. You are worthy of love and kindness 🧡🧡🧡. The guy you were dating is an abuser.

Bunnymumy · 10/09/2020 22:46

He's a total loon op. This is only 8 week in, it's supposed to be easy af, the honeymoon stage. But he's already hit half the red flags in the book.

Don't let him into your home again. Is there someone that can drop his stuff off or be there when he comes to collect it so you dont need to see him?

You dont owe him shit fyi.
Sounds like you're seeing what he is now at least.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 10/09/2020 23:29

Will be boxing all up and post it to him. Not falling for the "just want to collect my stuff" game

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 10/09/2020 23:33

He sounds crazy.

Bunnymumy · 10/09/2020 23:36

Good on ya. Guess you can actually block him then now too, cause there's no reason to hear from him anymore if you don't need to sort out him getting his stuff.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 10/09/2020 23:43

I've also been in an abusive relationship and found it so hard to not doubt myself after, even when I knew I wasnt being unreasonable. Let me tell you, now....3 years later I didnt even get to the end of your 2nd paragraph and I would have told him in no uncertain terms 'this isnt working, I'm done'

You should not be dating anytime soon.

You dont need to discuss arrangements to return his stuff, it's been 2 months there should be no stuff. He either comes and collect his things on x date at y time when your z friend is their to give it to him or it gets thrown. Nothing that important would be left at someones house you had only known for 8 weeks.

He is using it as a way to keep you interacting with him ( and if you're honest so are you). Toxic relationships condition you to thrive on drama, the splitting up and getting back together. He knows that, you're allowing that. Stop, send him details, convenient for you then block. I can already tell you will allow him to collect his things and there will be a huge emotional transaction, that's how it works.

Like I said, if you want a normal, healthy relationship in the future...stop dating until you've dealt with the baggage your last relationship(s) have left you with. It's not a coincidence that people who have one abusive/toxic relationship go on to have more. You have to break the cycle/pattern, this is your chance to do that.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 10/09/2020 23:56

Yeah, is just a toothbrush and some pants. Can easily throw in a box, stick a label on it and post it back. Is a bullshit excuse to stay in contact, you definitely aren't wrong there.

OP posts:

ALittleBitConfused1 · 11/09/2020 08:51

OP, I mean this in the kindest way, stop engaging in the drama it's been 8 weeks. Life really is too short. If you dont like the way he treats you just end it. It's a toothbrush, he clearly has another one or he wouldve taken it with him. It's not his dead aunts engagement ring. You're are engaging with someone about a toothbrush to keep the contact there.
You get to choose what relationship type you have. If you're happy with these toxic entanglements keep talking to him about the return of a £3 toothbrush. If you want an adult relationship full of love and respect block, finish your therapy, assert your boundaries reassess your behaviours in relationships then move forward.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 11/09/2020 12:14

Think you misunderstand me. I'm refusing to speak to him about the "things" and haven't communicated with him since I posted this.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 11/09/2020 13:09

Well done, geekygirl. If packing it up and sending it one helps you undrline the ending, then great. Otherwise bin it.

Original poster

GeekyGirl42 · 18/09/2020 19:45

I'm such a fucking idiot. I let him talk me round. It's been texts only for the last 4 days, which feels better. He's saying it can definitely all change. And I got a message from him just now that says

hi..you not need to call me on Sunday or others days just because you did promise. me....i want you call me...text me...video call because you miss me and care about me.and you looking forward to talk to me ....not because about a promise...take your time ...and do whatever u need to do..( i say this in a good way)...contact me just and only when u wish not because a promise u made..in mean time I hope all will go well with you and family....have a good weekend..

This is so different from before. He says he's trying and learning. He's not been in a relationship with anyone for 8 years. I feel so torn. There is loads that's good about him.

Problem is if I end it he gets back in, very persuasively. I've never considered ghosting anyone before. But if I do end it that feels like what I'll have to do.

OP posts:

Inaseagull · 18/09/2020 20:03

Yes, you are...

anonnnnni · 20/09/2020 08:20

For god’s sake OP, sort yourself out. He’s abusive. Bin.

Or don’t. But don’t come and complain on here when his manipulation tactics start and you engage with him again.

Dollyrocket · 20/09/2020 08:42

🤦🏻‍♀️

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