Why is it hard to break it off even when it's so toxic

[GeekyGirl42]

Been dating a guy for nearly 8 weeks. Have a history of toxic relationships so I'm very careful. I got really upset about a couple of things - if angry he'll dump me (saying things like "you are too independent to want a relationship"), and he demands a lot of attention, getting very upset when he sees I've been on Facebook but not in touch with him.

Friends overheard a conversation I had with him about Facebook and he accused me of being with somone else. They told me I should congratulate them for not barging in and telling him he was treating me really badly and if I did dump him and see someone else instead, that would be down to him and no one else.

I feel pressured to spend every minute of my free time with him and I was starting to get very tired. . It's very hard to end a conversation with him. Loads of arguments. That's my fault -rather than accept that someone can't have healthy boundaries and move on, I argue about whether it's reasonable to do xyz.

My therapist did an unusual thing and jumped in with a suggestion (they never do that) - "get out right now, there are red flags everywhere"

So I had a conversation with him tonight about what would look like healthy right now - texts exchanged, a call once or twice a week, see eachother fortnightly (is long distance). He accused me of being dishonest - must be that there's someone else. Then he said this wasn't a relationship and I was just using him for sex.

I dumped him. As kindly as I could. We are now organising the return of his things.

My decision and the right decision. Why does it feel so awful then?

It's because....you like him and it could so easily be normal and happy, and yet he does things that are not normal and happy.

If only he wouldn't!

That's your problem, it could be good.

He is the one stopping it from being good.

His latest text to you is full of red flags. He is giving you permission to be you, yet all this time he's been manipulative and difficult and twisting that round on you.

If only he could his be normal!!!!!

These are size 4 shoes love, where you are a size 5. They don't fit. You are struggling to get them to fit. And it's all about them, not you.

I would ditch him and write a fresh online dating profile. Don't reply to him at all and move on and find shoes that naturally fit x

Thanks everyone. I ditched him by text yesterday and blocked everywhere. Then when he started calling from a withheld number I said I'd report hin to the police if he carried on..

@something2say 👏👏 the wishful thinking, is keeping you emotionally tied into this. It's as simple as realising, the only way to stay with him is by compromising yourself into something that has made you feel uncomfortable. Why continue? Move on and give someone else a chance, you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel comfortable. What do you like about someone who tries to make you feel bad about normal things such as being online but not in constant contact etc?

Geekygirl

Even now he is attempting to control you. He WILL have his way, he WILL get you back, you WILL read his msgs.

Men like this make me sick.

How are you feeling tho?

Feeling much better now. I clearly needed to keep him out of my life and accept that all the lovely things about him do not in any way make it OK that he has serious jealousy and trust issues, even if he pulls on my heartstrings about why that is and how desperate he is to change.

I need to save my "seeing the best in people" trait for people I've known a little longer.

@GeekyGirl42, a friend of mine is a therapist and she says she can look at a room full of people and pick out the one who needs therapy and is vulnerable. If she can do it, predatory men can do it. Right now, you have a big flashing sign on your head saying, "i'll be your doormat"... spend some time really working on yourself, thinking about why you accept this appalling behaviour from men. Once you've worked that out, and you understand yourself a bit better, then you could try a bit of trial dating, and see what happens.

[quote funnylittlefloozie]@GeekyGirl42, a friend of mine is a therapist and she says she can look at a room full of people and pick out the one who needs therapy and is vulnerable. If she can do it, predatory men can do it. Right now, you have a big flashing sign on your head saying, "i'll be your doormat"... spend some time really working on yourself, thinking about why you accept this appalling behaviour from men. Once you've worked that out, and you understand yourself a bit better, then you could try a bit of trial dating, and see what happens.[/quote]
This is so true. The men who pursued me, or approached me on nights out, when I was anorexic were almost exclusively arseholes who definitely liked the idea of a girl who looked 'together' but was also clearly troubled / vulnerable in some ways. I was still gobby but I was poorly. They definitely could sense that vulnerability, looking back it makes me disgusted that there are men like that but I'm not even sure they're all aware they're predatory. You've done really well especially mentioning the police, hopefully it's enough for him to stay away.