Lonely MIL and stress

[aliasname]

2 weeks ago, DH was taken to hospital with a heart problem, it was very scary as he's never had anything like that before. He has been under a lot of pressure, his dad died six months ago and he's taken over responsibility for his mum.

He's been signed off work, and is undergoing tests but I'm sure that stress is a significant factor. The problem is his mum is very dependent on him and quite needy. She's constantly phoning with problems, which at the moment I'm trying to intercept. She understands that he needs to rest, but doesn't realise how much pressure she puts on him. Or maybe he tries too hard to fix things which can't always be fixed.

I just got off the phone after 15 minutes of her rambling on about the steps in her garden, and whether she should get them fixed. Then a long conversation about her trying to set up an RAC account, and all the problems with that and what she should do next. There's usually at least one call a day (even while he's at work) I know that we need to tell her to be more independent, but she has no-one else.

She's lonely, she's grieving. But she's driving us mad.

How hard for you all.

Have you thought about paying for a home help sort of person to help her with admin and be a bit of company to reduce the burden on you.

Thanks for the reply. I'm not sure MIL would accept any help. Actually a lot of the time she is capable, its just she likes endless reassurance. And maybe DH has to realise he has to stop micromanaging everything.

It's a real shame for all of you, dealing with the grief is had enough, but your DH needing medical intervention and support too must be such a worry.

How far away is MIL? If she's nearby, can you sort things out for her instead of her bothering your DH? How old is she, did she work, is she used to handling home finances and repairs etc?

Most companies have a Dept called something like Bereavement Services. The staff are all trained to deal with customers who are grieving and they are very patient. If she needs help with anything like the bank, utility bills, insurance, council, etc. she needs to ask to be put through to their relevant Bereavement Services dept. If you know who she needs to contact, could you get their name and number for her? I know there's no need for you to have to do that, but if it's a 2 minute call for you to then get her to independently deal with something herself, it'll be worth it.

The RAC membership is easy to do online OR if she wants a lower tarriff, they are very helpful over the phone.

The garden steps, go and look, are they rickety? If so get a builder for her. If they are safe, tell her they are fine.

Think you'll have to tell her not to load your DH with her problems, explain he's ill and needs to rest, he can cope with work but nothing added on top.

Can you get her onside as a co-conspirator helping you protect his health?

remember your husband is her son, is she just trying to distract herself from worrying?

hope he’s ok.

I don't think it's a distraction from worry, she's always been like this! Unfortunately, her husband did almost everything eg. financial decision-making so she's just not used to being on her own. DH also feels responsible for her, so was doing more than he needed to.

She's actually quite intelligent and capable, but lacks confidence. I think it's a lesson to all of us never to become so dependent on someone else... like, I don't know how to tax a car, but if I had to do it I'd find out rather than constantly relying on another person.

Is your DH the only child? Tbh I could feel myself getting all the calls if I was an only... but there are other siblings.

If you've never done things like finances... home insurance...pay utility bills etc.. it can be quite daunting to do it on the later years of life.

One of my Dsis basically does all this stuff for my parents. Ill health has affected their ability, along with a lack of confidence and they rely on us all alot...but if they're was only one person.... I'm sure that one would go mad.

You need to try and cut the conversations short..." Got an urgent call coming in" " There's a knock at the door"....

Yes, he's an only child! And feels a great sense of responsibility since his dad died (as well as his own grief)

TBH all the suggestions about steps and RAC membership are fine, but they still put the burden on us to sort it. Oh and did I mention that she likes to talk? About everything so there are just constant texts and emails, and most of the time it's nothing, but DH feels he has to fix things.

Exactly the situation we are in DH is an only child and we get constant calls. Yesterday it was about her meter readings which she is obsessed with as she doesn’t want’big bills’ today it was an underpayment she has apparently made to her broadband provider, the other day she wanted DH to top up her phone (we are in Scotland in an area where we can’t go into other households...)

It's exhausting isn't it! I feel cross with my late FIL for eroding her self confidence so much. She'd never put petrol in her own car.

I was thinking of sending the following message:

I haven't shown DH your message as he just gets her up and wants to 'fix' things. I know you just like reassurance but actually are more than capable of making decisions. He doesn't always give you enough credit for managing things! If you do need support, I can come over at the weekend, or maybe ask your brother?

I'm not sure if it's too patronising. She's actually quite astute, and might be offended.

Mine likes to talk and talk and talk, just monologues about people we don’t know. She was saying she could ‘never fill out a form’ as she doesn’t know how. Well you put your name where it asks etc...

Very unhealthy situation when the child takes over a role of a parent. That's why your DH feels stressed.

He has to put up those boundaries.

I wonder if you are just being too available OP? Maybe get in there first..give her a call in the morning and say are you ok today for evrything as me and dh are really busy sorting a few jobs out today so we thought we would check in with you now so we dont miss you later and you become anxious if we are out and about? something like that ..offer reassurance you are thinking of her and set the stall at the same time that you are both busy and unavailble at the same time? Or I am just calling to say hi hope you are doing ok today dh is having a nap and is really tired so I assured him I would give you a quick call to see if you are ok...take control and set the agenda then then if calls come in,ignore until you are willing to deal with them...it helps cut dependancy in a nice way a little and it might help her to take the hint if your not so readily available.

This is such a difficult one.

Your DH's health has to be a priority, but she is also so newly bereaved and must feel overwhelmed.

My MIL relies on us too, but to be fair she is completely computer illiterate and is too old to be inclined to learn and has limited dexterity now. We do most of her admin for her. But we do it like a process, ie I put a note in my diary when her energy contracts are due for renewal, or she is due to book eye appt. etc. Then I call her a week ahead and remind her. So she feels we care enough to be on the ball about these mundane things, but know that we're expecting her to deal with it unless she asks us for specific help.

I'm not suggesting for a second that you don't care, I'm just outlining what works for us.

DD is 12 and calls MIL twice a week for a chat about school, the neighbourhood gossip, soap/tv etc.

DD also loves to guide her other, slightly more computer literate grandparents where they can find out stuff such as bin collection days after a BH, price comparison sites etc.

As for the life admin and general reassurance, I think you need to allocate her some of your time if possible. Maybe a daily quick call as pp suggested to ask if there's anything she needs as you've got a packed day today?

We've managed to cut the admin/problem solving calls down to efficient conversations that don't then turn into random chat. It's quite businesslike, but she knows we're always here in an emergency.

Are you able to visit regularly? We visit every fortnight and facetime the alternate week purely for chat and catch up.

So she has contact with either DH, DD or myself almost daily, but there are unspoken boundaries about the purpose for each contact.

I know my MIL is lonely, and we worry about her. But I think/hope we've got a balance that works for us and her.

I think you need to take your phone for a walk and have a short, sharp chat with her about whether she’s ready to risk grieving the loss of another family member. You must be firm and let her know that it is time for her to stand on her own two feet and adult up for a bit. Maybe make a time when it suits you for her to call YOU next. I don’t think it is inappropriate for you to start establishing some boundaries now.

Would it work better for DH if he called her every day at a time that suits him rather than her calling him?

If she knows he is off work with stress would he go to a counsellor to help deal with it, then mention it to her and encourage her to do the same. Call it grief counselling or whatever would work best to get her to go.
Then think about practical steps to get her used to managing on her own. Maybe buy her a nice diary/ appointment book so she can write down when things are due. A list of tradies she can call if something breaks.
She is clearly lonely and it will take time for her to find ways to fill that time. Could you try some outings that lead to other things eg if she likes reading, include going to the library when you go out for afternoon tea. If she comes over try and get her hooked on a new tv show.

Don’t forget your DH is also stressed because he is grieving too.

You need to be in control here. I wouldn’t send the text - I imagine your DH would not agree to it and it would be inflammatory.

You have choices:

To take over total of her admin so that you are in control of it efficiently. Most of it will be online and you can get an email in her name all set up. We did this. It saves all of the random, rambling calls and most admin takes a couple of clicks.

Or you take the time to empower and teach her how to do it.

Or you just leave her to it - but will probably end up clearing up messes anyway.

It’s up to you - what suits you.

Then schedule a daily call. Have an egg timer - and train her up. We speak at x time everyday, for a set time (don’t have to tell her this part) and don’t take calls at other times.

My DH had to block his mothers phone - she would call him 6 times a day in the working day. She then would call on his journey home. She would then call when we were eating dinner, doing homework, putting the kids to bed (we have 4) - he learnt not to tell her anything because if he said we were doing x she would ring in the middle of it.

So we did all her admin.
HE called her for her to ramble on his drive home for 10 mins. He ignored her other calls - until the fake emergencies started.

She had no friends because she was a v unpleasant woman with zero social skills - so we ended up sucking up a lot.

Get ahead of this. If possible encourage her to get out and get busy volunteering etc. It drove bus distracted if I am honest.

100% agree that your DHs mental, physical and emotional health is the priority. She will be fine because she offloads and vents on to others, so is not under pressure.

Your MIL sounds very much like mine. My FIL died in a car accident 7 months after my DH and I got married and she literally fell to pieces. She used to be on the phone to my DH for an hour every evening. She also used to ask my DH for advice over every single little thing. My DH has a DB, but he and his DW has recently had a baby and had 3 DC of 3 and under. They therefore maintained firm boundaries, and hence my DH got the majority of the calls. (Although my SIL told me that MIL still called them a lot.)

It was very stressful, made harder by the fact that my DSis was getting out of an abusive marriage and I was supporting her. So she was also calling us a lot. So my DH and I hardly got any chance to talk, plus obviously he was grieving and we were becoming aware that there were fertility problems (it later turned out that I was infertile and we adopted.)

I'm sorry you and your DH are coping with so much and that your DH has been through this health scare. It's easier said than done, but you do need to maintain boundaries with your MIL. We managed it by not answering when it wasn't convenient and my DH would call back later.

How old is she?
When did FIL die?

Thanks for all your replies. I sent her a message similar to the one above but slightly less patronising I hope. Got a very long defensive reply back. She also texted DH apologising if she had annoyed me...

Pathetic emotional guilt-tripping. Actually pissed me off. Can't believe she sent him that.

I know it's up to him to say 'Stop. I can't deal with this.' but he just finds it too hard.

I wouldn’t send that message. I think she would see through it.

Oh FFS... so manipulative. This is what I mean. I had to do something similar with my MIL - only it involved telling her that we were not going to rescue her from her dodgy boyfriend in the middle of the night when she inevitably went back to him, and she wasn’t moving in with us ever again. Her son was her son, and she was HIS parent and not the other way around. If she couldn’t make adult decisions for herself, she had to deal with the consequences like one, as we were about to have our own child to worry about. No, she probably hasn’t forgiven me, but I can live with myself. (Different bloke, same story.)

Again, that sounds like my MIL in those days, OP. I did eventually get my DH to pull back a bit, and she actually wrote a letter to us (she writes so many letters) reminding me that she was lonely and needed to talk to someone. She reminded me that I had my DSis to talk to. (Never mind that my DSis was going through a hard time too!

Another time, she called my DM to complain about me!

It actually became a lot easier after we adopted our DDs, she's been a really good Grandma to them and they love her.