Lonely MIL and stress

[aliasname]

2 weeks ago, DH was taken to hospital with a heart problem, it was very scary as he's never had anything like that before. He has been under a lot of pressure, his dad died six months ago and he's taken over responsibility for his mum.

He's been signed off work, and is undergoing tests but I'm sure that stress is a significant factor. The problem is his mum is very dependent on him and quite needy. She's constantly phoning with problems, which at the moment I'm trying to intercept. She understands that he needs to rest, but doesn't realise how much pressure she puts on him. Or maybe he tries too hard to fix things which can't always be fixed.

I just got off the phone after 15 minutes of her rambling on about the steps in her garden, and whether she should get them fixed. Then a long conversation about her trying to set up an RAC account, and all the problems with that and what she should do next. There's usually at least one call a day (even while he's at work) I know that we need to tell her to be more independent, but she has no-one else.

She's lonely, she's grieving. But she's driving us mad.

The thing is, he won't necessarily feel less stressed if he tells her he can't deal with supporting her so much and then (understandably) worries about how she's coping and whether she's lonely.
He needs to find the strategies to help himself, which is often to have a set time he talks to her so that the calls aren't constant. Something like he calls at a set time each day (during work lunch break can be good as then it can't go on all evening) and then a set time to go over every week to help her action the things that have come up. A notebook for her to write down anything she thinks of might also help, so he doesn't worry about forgetting to tell you (or can't use that excuse). Getting her to do everything that needs doing with (in person) support is the key, rather than him doing them for her.
Losing her husband at the same time as the world went into a pandemic so outside support was harder to get and new social opportunities very limited makes this twice as hard for her - and for all of you.

Sorry, I missed that FIL died 6 months ago. But how old is MIL?

*Got a very long defensive reply back.

She also texted DH apologising if she had annoyed me*

There you go.
All you need to know.

Totally and utterly divisive, duplicitous and manipulative.

She will come between you and your DH. She’s not grieving enough that she is so distraught she can’t think straight or cope - she is sharp as a razor with a two pronged attack back within minutes. She is well capable of sorting herself out if she can respond like this.

Know what you are dealing with.

Do not be manipulated.

Her need for reassurance is emotionally manipulative “look a me” “poor me”.

She totally disrespects you.

If your DH gets roped in and can’t see it - then you need boundaries with him - ie you do not take calls from your mother when we are doing x or y or at z time.

I suspect her controlling manipulative behaviours were there all along and have now been magnified and amplified.

Hmm, lots to think about, thanks everyone. To the PP who asked, MIL is early seventies, and mostly in good health. She was going to continue working part-time, but covid put paid to that.

I've discovered I can manage WhatsApp messages with her, so that maybe a way forward. Its the phone calls I can't handle. I know she just wants to chat, but I've never been able to listen to mindless babble.