I would love to know why you left your ex, what was it about them.

[madcatladyforever]

With mine he was unfailingly miserable and uncommunicative for 20 years.
He never had to pay the mortgage or the bills and half the time was unemployed yet was miserable nearly all of the time.
Arranged a big birthday party for him - miserable.
A weekend away - miserable.
A holiday - miserable.
I've never known anybody so chronically discontented.
Now he's gone he is now skint, lonely and miserable.
He would only have ever been happy if we'd have been having perverted sex in rubber gear 30 times a day, joining swinging clubs and watching porn 24/7 none of which interests me.
Even then he would still have picked holes in it and said it wasn't enough for him.
God I'm happy he's gone, I can actually spend a day with people who smile and are grateful for a day out.
He asked if he could come back and I thought I'd honestly rather die.
This was just one of his many failings as a husband, there are many more.
You do wonder why you stayed so long!!!

"Second one drowned the puppies while I was out."

I'm not a violent person, and think DV from a woman to a man is just as disgusting and awful as vice versa.

However, drowning puppies?! That would make me violent with rage, how did you manage to not take a shovel to his face? (And tbf if a woman told me her partner had been violent because she'd done that, I'd have no sympathy at all). Did you report him to the police? (Surely what he did was illegal).

He is an emotionally abusive, unfaithful cocaine addict, and compulsive liar and debtor. I really know how to pick them

I left my last partner because:

He had an affair 3 years before, told me it was none physical but found out 3 years later that it was physical. I never really got over it as he always held info from me

He was a social hand grenade

No empathy

Selfish and self centred

Thick as shit but academically intelligent

Oh he had an 'episode' where he trapped me in the house and wouldn't let me leave, got violent and I had him arrested

I can see now what a twat he was

Oh god the chronically dissatisfied really resonates with me madcat it really is an absolute drain especially when you're quite an upbeat roll with the punches type.

Isn't it a killer!!

The puppies though, I would have killed anyone who did that.

Emotional, verbal, financial and sexual abuse.

And he was being verbally and emotionally abusive to our DC, including the beginnings of physical abuse to DD (pulling hair).

Was an expert at avoiding any chores. Dumped a lot on the DC when I was at work. He even told DD that housework had to come before homework.

I have nothing to do with him now, and neither DC have anything to do with him. Their choice. I'd have facilitated contact if they wanted, but as they are late teens, I leave it all to them. Surprise, surprise, they have no interest in him.

Psychological, financial and sometimes physical abuse.

Getting involved with him is my biggest regret.

Just like a PP said - we grew apart emotionally, and the attraction was gone.

We had no financial intimacy. He was always overdrawn, and nothing got done to the house. He wanted holidays and cars more than an investment in our home. I couldn't keep up with the lifestyle he wanted. There was little discussion about anything, including our future, and sex wasn't very good. He kissed me like you would give mouth-to-mouth to a goldfish. Sex was scheduled in - same time, same place, every week (then down to every month, etc.). We wanted different things for our children. I couldn't talk to him about things. He was one of those guys who leaves his dirty pants beside the basket, but not in the basket. The cup was beside the dishwasher but never in it. If I asked, I would be accused of nagging. My feelings were not valid.

He's a good man, but good men don't always make good husbands.

He cheated, I forgave him. He was in debt from before we met, which he constantly swore was under control. Had several mis-sold PPI payouts and we never had any spare money so I (naively) assumed he was paying stuff off. Found out towards the end that the debt had grown, he was paying £1 a month to most of the creditors. Had taken out another credit card with the intention of paying them all off and then just having one debt to pay, but never did, bought stuff on the card instead so it was an added debt. An unexpected bill or something one of the kids needed would see us having to borrow money from someone, or going without something, yet he always managed to have money for computer games. He had to get a new mobile contract in my name as his credit was so shot, turns out now he wasn't paying it so my credit is affected. All of that made me fall out of love with him.

He hasn't changed. As soon as we split up he bought himself an expensive car, I've heard from the children that he has plenty of unnecessary "toys", yet he tells them he can't afford to take them out anywhere when they see him, and borrows money from me to pay bills.

All manner of abuse.. Violence, gaslighting, coercion.. But the turning point for me was when he punched me in the face in front of our child.. There's no going back after that, I grew some balls, put my child and I left the pig. Hoping he's miserable as f* now. My revenge is... Happiness :)

Exh, I knew he was having his 3rd affair which he of course denied. Then the gaslighting ramped up to level 10 and I honestly thought I was losing it.

Exdp earlier this year. Started out classic signs. Lovebombing. Then the controlling side. Then the jealousy. On more than one occasion he blamed being drunk and not knowing that he had forced himself on me in the night. That's when I ended it.

@FluffyTRex

He cheated, I forgave him. He was in debt from before we met, which he constantly swore was under control. Had several mis-sold PPI payouts and we never had any spare money so I (naively) assumed he was paying stuff off. Found out towards the end that the debt had grown, he was paying £1 a month to most of the creditors. Had taken out another credit card with the intention of paying them all off and then just having one debt to pay, but never did, bought stuff on the card instead so it was an added debt. An unexpected bill or something one of the kids needed would see us having to borrow money from someone, or going without something, yet he always managed to have money for computer games. He had to get a new mobile contract in my name as his credit was so shot, turns out now he wasn't paying it so my credit is affected. All of that made me fall out of love with him.

He hasn't changed. As soon as we split up he bought himself an expensive car, I've heard from the children that he has plenty of unnecessary "toys", yet he tells them he can't afford to take them out anywhere when they see him, and borrows money from me to pay bills.

Stop lending him money and tell him to sell his "toys".

@Iamuhtredsonofuhtred

He is an emotionally abusive, unfaithful cocaine addict, and compulsive liar and debtor. I really know how to pick them

Just ended near identical. No debt - yet (that I knew of) but only 33.

OP your line “He asked if he could come back and I thought I'd honestly rather die” has me in stitches Sorry if it’s inappropriate but I do know how that feels!

My ex, apart from being a gaslighting, stonewalling, cheating fuckwit (I know I know bad enough already) - he had absolutely no ambition to do anything more in his life than go to work and go do his hobby.

Which is fine I guess. But he’d talk a good game about wanting to start a business, travel, etc, only to actively resist it! He’d ‘forget’ to book time off for long planned events and holidays, I’d open a savings account for us, he couldn’t be bothered to put any money in it - lived pay check to pay check instead. This kind of shit. Wouldn’t talk about why he couldn’t save money. Drove me crackers.

Folks I was with him for 10 yrs.

After the puppies I confronted him. It was when he hit my son that I realised he was scared of me, he didn't hit me, he picked on a six year old. I punched him in the face and he was out of the house that day. He never set foot in my home again.
He also barely had any contact with the children again, but honestly, that has been a good thing!

He was fucking someone else.

Misogynistic and disrespectful to me and played upon my low self esteem. But he was also thick as shit and didn't know much about anything else other than his beloved football team or acting like a 'playa' (his words) I eventually got bored of his bullshit and kicked him out. He went back to his ex who isn't much better and they eventually married i believe. They deserve each other.

I dumped mine because..

He's from a different culture where women do as their told, if I didn't comply he'd ignore me or dump me but not really mean it, then gaslight me that I'd got it wrong.

He was a covert bully, subtle put downs, kept me at arms length, tried to make me feel like I was lucky to have him.

He was significantly overweight, think 20 stone plus. I wasn't bothered by this, I'm 2 stone overweight, he would make subtle comments that I needed to diet.

Point blank refused to commit to anything for the future, said he'd never live with me, get married, but promised all this at the beginning.

Sulked if he didn't get sex every night he stayed at mine. Tried to make me do sexual things I didn't want to do, and I was boring and not passionate when I refused.

Couldn't take any form of criticism, or be told anything. He would react badly and leave jobs if he was asked to do something he didn't want to.

All those things made me have zero respect or feelings for him. I'm relieved I dumped him, my DD and I are so much happier.

He didn't actually believe I meant it when I told him. Its been 7 weeks now and I don't miss him at all. He's already on Tinder looking for his next victim and every relationship he has ends badly!

1. Boring and I couldn't be bothered anymore.
2. Too possessive.
3. Embarrassing and too odd.
4. Too interested in football and not over his ex.
5. Gave number 2 another chance, thought he had changed. He hadn't.
6. Too intense.
7. Too much drama.
8. Cheating, selfish, abusive idiot.

The ick

Ex 1: physically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive. Coercive control to the point 8 was always in fear, in edge and never relaxed or settled in my own environment.

Ex 2: good at first went out, gigs etc then it emerged hes an alcoholic who buys strong cans of cider to drink whilst at work during the night, a nasty drunk, verbally abusive etc. Gaslight Ed me all of the time.

Fiance : loving, caring, supportive, understanding, patient, kind, funny, honest, sensitive, respectful, considerate etc. He's just an awesome man!

Drinking, infidelity, constant criticism, spending all his earnings on himself - I got an "allowance", refusal for let me retrain or go into further education - wouldn't look after our children so I could etc. On and on, so many things. Best thing I ever did was leave him.

He was a personality disordered Narcissist.

My own low standards and pathetic gratefulness to have someone kept me with some awful men. I couldn't see right from wrong. Final straw for one was when I was on holiday with him and I'd said that I would have sex so he held me to my promise and I couldn't see a way out of it. He got his end away while I just lay there crying. I dropped him off at his place after the holiday and never saw him again.

My now fiance was so gentle and caring when we first met I didn't know how to deal with it. This one is for keeps

@ALifeBackwards I could have written your exact post, remove 'car' and that was it. No money, no commitment to our future, obsessed with holidays, but never had money for them, he was a financial drain and increasingly poor sex with dribbly kissing meant I had to wipe my face and couldn't eventually bear it. He was also insecure and anxious and as a result, as my eldest DS grew up, and became increasingly successful, my ex was jealous and I supportive of him. I am so relieved and delighted now to have exited the relationship. My allocated role of 'the nag' has gone as I no longer have to deal with all his mess and hoarding.

Another “he fucked someone else”. But actually that was just the perfect reason to end it because there was so much else that I hated about him by the time I found out. The moodiness, the silence at mealtimes even when the kids were there, the attempts to control me by being moody if I did something without him, having to protect the kids from his verbal abuse because they had made step wrong or the house wasn’t perfect. I put up with it all too long but I’d given up my career before he got so bad and was dependent on him.

3 years later I’m happily single (wonder if I’ll ever let anyone into my life again) and he’s a waste of a space dad to those kids. Sees them for half an afternoon once a week. He’s still fucking the one he cheated on me with. She’s as stupid as I was and sticking with him because he’s a high earner.