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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Girlfriend broke up with me

31 replies

JOY124 · 09/09/2020 10:55

Good morning mumsnet 🙂 Sorry for the long message pls read.
Just wanting advice and I am coming here as I know there is lots of females who have lots of experience in relationships.
I am 24 girlfriends 22 been together 4yrs we broke up about 6 weeks ago now what caused it was on my bday she bought me lots of nice things and did a lot for me and I was a bit disrespectful, not very nice and she felt I didn't appreciate it and we argued about various things and from there 4 days later she ended it with me obviously it was a number of things mainly me never been appreciative of things, not treating her to things as she did me, not been loving enough and mainly she felt I hated her been with her friends when in all honesty I did not I just always felt she prioritized them over me like we have not been on holiday once together in 4yrs but she has been with her friends 2x and she always seemed to do things with them over me thinking back she probably wasn't as bad as I thought but she deffo did more with them than me so it always caused a lot of arguments.
We have spoken every week since for 6wk not always positively mostly badly as it has been me begging for her back with no luck. She has seen me at least once a week only because I have begged her to not because she wants to and it is only for 30mins and when we meet she's actually nice and kisses me and talks to me nicely for few days after but then she turns back horrid after few day. Last Wednesday she met me for 30 mins and we agreed it would be last time we saw each other as it cant carry on if she doesn't want ms so i left her car and that was it we said bye no more contact then 30min later she messaged me saying hi and said " i love you " so we kept talking then Friday she met me for an hour in car as she wont come inside but was really lovely kissing me having a laugh etc then we left then later on that night she met me in car again and we just chilled for 30 mins having a laugh kissing etc then she said Sunday she would come round for pizza and chill for a bit and cuddle so I thought great this could be starting to turn round but of course Sunday came and she let me down totally changed and didnt want to see me which I dont understand.
So as of yesterday we've totally cut contact but I really want her back but it seems no matter how hard i try she will not get back with me she says she really loves me but can't be with me ..what should i do? Do i give her space not contact her and hope she comes back? Or what can i do as i love her so much i want her back. I mean all ive done is beg n plead so shw knowa she's in control and had power so maybe now ive gone she will come running back but i don't know any help would be great.

OP posts:

seensome · 09/09/2020 11:06

Best thing to do is back off, give her time to miss you, she's confused which is why your getting mixed messages.
Get on with your life, don't revolve it around her, let it be, if you get back in contact, make it clear you try again or not at all, reflect and talk about your mistakes and how you can get past them if possible.

BaconMassive · 09/09/2020 11:08

Let her go and next time don't be a dick.

gettingfedupagain · 09/09/2020 11:08

Go no contact for 30 days.
She's playing with you because your begging is giving her a massive ego.
You need to get some self respect and pull away, for your own sake. Then you can begin to heal.
Even if you do get back together, she would still have all the power and could drop you like a hot potato any time she wanted. You'd be right back at square one emotionally. It's a terribly unbalanced position to be in and would not be an equal relationship.

Find your anger! She's treating you very badly

GammyLeg · 09/09/2020 11:14

Listen to her, back off and give her the space she needs. And have some dignity - begging someone to be with you is awful. Sorry but have some self respect!

Original poster

JOY124 · 09/09/2020 12:07

Thanks for the replies so far everyone :) , I understand and I know it is wrong to beg for someone back but when you love someone so much it is hard not to as the thought of losing them is hell. I am just hoping we can work it out and she comes back.
Also, it is my fault as on week1 she told me to please leave her alone and I didn't I kept trying and trying so I put my self in a position to get hurt instead of leaving and who knows if I left on week 1 we could be sorted by now as I have messed up begging and not giving her space :(

OP posts:

Skyla2005 · 09/09/2020 12:14

Stop trying to get her back
No contact
If she wants to be with you she will get in touch but tell her not to muck around Fresh start and move forward if your going to be together and don’t hassle her about seeing her friends she can see them when she likes we need our friends and nagging will only push her away

velourvoyageur · 09/09/2020 12:27

OP, be fair. If you cared about her, surely you wouldn’t want her to be with in a relationship like this? From what you’ve described, it just seems like hard work for her with not much reward. Plus you’re not listening to what she’s saying - if you respect someone, you listen to them, you don’t try to grind someone down till they’re forced to go out with you to stop the nagging.
I think you’re being too self-centred, sorry - try putting her interests at the centre of your thoughts for a moment and then your perspective might change.

velourvoyageur · 09/09/2020 12:28

I’m sorry you’re hurting though - break ups are really hard.

ClementineWoolysocks · 09/09/2020 12:30

She's enjoying the power she has over you and the fact that you appear to have no self-respect in this matter. Stop begging, it's beneath you. Move on and leave her alone.

hauntedtree · 09/09/2020 12:34

She sounds conflicted because you've been horrible to her while you were together, and now you're lovebombing her to get her back. I think she's enjoying the positive attention you're giving her now, but knows it's not a lasting change and if you get back together you will go back to taking her for granted.

My advice would be to leave her alone and work on yourself, figure out why you treated her badly while you were together and what you'll do differently in future. Maybe she'll decide to get back with you if she sees you've truly changed, but stop begging her and respect her decision if she doesn't want to be with you.

rorosemary · 09/09/2020 12:36

I don't think you really, really love her tbh. It sounds like you want her to do what you want, as in prioritise you, see you, give you presents et cetera. If you would really love her you would want to make her happy. If giving her freedom will make her happy then you would give her that. You are very selfishly making it all about you. I think you mourn the easy relationship that you were controlling, not her as a person since you don't factor her feelings in anything you do.

That doesn'tmean that you're not hurting, I believe that you do, but you need to cut her loose and work on how to be a good person/partner for your next relationship.

MrsKingfisher · 09/09/2020 12:41

These types of things get on my tits..person A treats person B badly person B decides they've had enough and leaves then all of a sudden person A can't live without them.

Let her go, let her find someone who will love and appreciate her and learn from this. You might find that your next relationship is a better fit and her priorities are more aligned to your own.

Go and have some fun!

Original poster

JOY124 · 09/09/2020 12:43

@velourvoyageur

OP, be fair. If you cared about her, surely you wouldn’t want her to be with in a relationship like this? From what you’ve described, it just seems like hard work for her with not much reward. Plus you’re not listening to what she’s saying - if you respect someone, you listen to them, you don’t try to grind someone down till they’re forced to go out with you to stop the nagging. I think you’re being too self-centred, sorry - try putting her interests at the centre of your thoughts for a moment and then your perspective might change.

Yes, I totally get this and I am going to just leave her be and hopefully just hope she misses me, comes back, and wants to start from fresh a long shot I know but I know she really loves me still and maybe shes just loving a bit of freedom and not to mention the power im giving her and her ego so if all that stops and im no longer messaging she may realise and come back.

OP posts:

Original poster

JOY124 · 09/09/2020 12:46

@hauntedtree

This is absolutely 100% spot on tbh! Because she has said she doesn't believe ill change and that I took her for granted and that I have had enough chances as this has happened once before few years ago.

I really have been self-improving and looking where I went wrong and what I need to change and I feel it would be differnt now but I can only leave her be and hope she comes back :(

OP posts:

velourvoyageur · 09/09/2020 12:54

Is it in her best interest for her to come back, though? I wouldn’t stop messaging her as a way to manipulate how she feels towards you. Best to stop messaging her simply because she has told you that it’s over. Trust and respect her words - she is the authority on herself, not you. Can you see you’re still putting your own interests first when you say this?

I don’t use ‘manipulating’ in a nasty way, by the way, more in a neutral sense of acting in a certain way to control a situation’s outcomes. Best of luck.

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/09/2020 13:03

You treated her like a dick: didn't appreciate her, were jealous of her friends and tried to make yourself her only priority, were disrespectful, argued a lot and weren't very nice (your words, not mine). And once she had the sense to dump you, you suddenly decide you can't live without her and refuse to accept her decision. Do her wants and needs not count at all or are yours the only important ones?

It is quite possible that she still 'loves' or cares for you, but has realised that you are a crap boyfriend who is bad for her and hurt her for 4 years. When she sees you, the caring part takes over and he temporarily forgets what a dick you were.When she's alone she remembers how crap the relationship actually was and that the caring for you is actually really bad for her.

There is nothing romantic about begging, pestering and refusing to accept her decision. She asked you to leave her alone in week 1, but you didn't because you are still prioritizing yourself over her.

Leave her alone - set her free as it's too late for this to be fixed. Work out why you were such a rubbish boyfriend to someone who loved you and work on yourself before your next relationship.

Original poster

JOY124 · 09/09/2020 13:04

@velourvoyageur

I don’t use ‘manipulating’ in a nasty way, by the way, more in a neutral sense of acting in a certain way to control a situation’s outcomes. Best of luck.

Yeah I know what you mean and I will just leave her be as I respect her and its what she wants. Maybe she will come back who knows but it is out of my control and I can only hope

OP posts:

hauntedtree · 09/09/2020 13:15

What specific steps are you taking to change and become a more kind and respectful partner in future?

Recognising that you need to change is only the first step. It's very good that you've done that but it's going to take time and effort to create meaningful, lasting changes. Becoming a better person should be your goal rather than getting her back.

newnameforthis123 · 09/09/2020 13:15

Everyone who has treated me badly wanted me back when I realised I didn't want them anymore.

You're so young, thinks like 'we agreed it would be the last time we met' and all of your hyperbole is a sign of lack of maturity.

Maybe on both sides, but immaturity nonetheless.

You need to go no contact and move on. For whatever reason the relationship became toxic and she's had enough.

Learn from this - next time you're with someone, appreciate the things they do / are that make you happy. Break up if you aren't happy.

But this particular relationship sounds like it's run its course and it would be silly to continue this despite all the angst.

In five / ten years you'll look back, cringe a bit at how you thought this was your big love and you had to save it, but be glad you've moved on.

I've been there. In a few years you'll be glad. No contact is best for you both. If you 'love' her, let her go. But your perception of love will adapt and grow as you mature.

BlueJag · 09/09/2020 13:27

I've been married for 25 years and I can tell you that what makes a relationship happy is freedom. Jealousy and insecurities make things hard work.
Enjoy being young and work on not being sulky, entitled and whatever else she complains about it.
You are both young. Concentrate on having fun. My husband is my favourite person ever but even him knows that I don't have tolerance for bad moods or any nonsense. Our job in life is to be happy specially now that we are going thru so much with the pandemia.

Dery · 09/09/2020 13:30

"Leave her alone - set her free as it's too late for this to be fixed. Work out why you were such a rubbish boyfriend to someone who loved you and work on yourself before your next relationship."

This. I'm sorry you're hurting. I didn't treat my first BF as well as he treated me and eventually he decided he had had enough and finished with me. There was no coming back from that. He was absolutely right to end it and it was a very important lesson for me. Your GF was absolutely right to end it with you; if she had been on MN describing your treatment of her and asking for advice, we would all be telling her to end it. It shows she has healthy boundaries and values herself properly. That's excellent to see.

You've been very honest about what you did wrong in your relationship - that's a great sign. It's up to you to learn from this experience. Let your GF go. Don't demand anything of her. You have no right to do so. Go NC - that's the only way to get over her (that's how I got over my first BF). Work on yourself. I'm sure you have many good characteristics - that's why she stayed with you for 4 years - and I'm sure you can be a great future BF to someone (not her) once you've learnt the lessons you need to learn from this.

It's hard to believe now but we can all of us guarantee that the pain will pass. But hopefully the lesson will stick. In my experience, the most painful lessons in life tend to be the most useful ones.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 09/09/2020 13:34

You sound needy, jealous, controlling of what she does with her mates, and I don’t even know what happened with the birthday situation for you to be so nasty to her when she went through so much effort. Sounds like she’s well rid imo. I think you need to grow up a bit before looking for a future relationship, as you sound incredibly immature

NotThatStrange · 09/09/2020 13:47

OP, as they say, you never know what you have till it's gone. Let her go and find someone who understand reciprocity. Jealousy, controlling is not healthy. She put up with your behavior for 4 years, if she was my daughter, I would advice her to cut you off completely.

I have had men like you before, unfortunately they will never change - they will pretend for a few days or weeks and then resort to their old bad behaviour.

My advice to any woman is NOT to give someone like OP another chance, zero tolerance.

velourvoyageur · 09/09/2020 14:00

OP does seem willing to look at his behaviours - in a different relationship the dynamic may be different. It probably would revert to form if OP and his ex were together again though.

Don’t think it’s helpful (least of all to his future partners) to condemn someone to being ‘no good’, tbh.

Haffdonga · 09/09/2020 14:09

it is my fault as on week1 she told me to please leave her alone and I didn't I kept trying

Please take a step back and start looking at your own behaviour and self esteem. Your behaviour here could be seen as borderline stalker/ abuser and if you continue playing this push pull with her you will BOTH get very hurt.

Do not be that creep. Believe her requests to leave her alone. Stay right away, cut contact, delete her number and now start doing some work on yourself.

How can you make yourself happier and less dependent on one person who doesn't want you?

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