How do you add to an empty life.....

[Clovertoast]

I'm trying really hard to take steps to fill my life after leaving a horrific 25 year abusive marriage.
I managed to get him to leave, it was horrific with police involvement.
18 months later I'm left with freedom at last but not much else.
I have no friends as I was never allowed to build relationships as I wasn't allowed out. I can't drive as that was frowned upon, I would have been accused of sleeping with the instructor, so I'm mainly trapped indoors.
I do have a good job with lovely colleagues but have been wfh since March so miss that interaction.

I met someone 9 months ago, we see each other when we can but I'm struggling being apart and getting clingy and anxious. I'm scared I will drive him away. I'm focusing everything on him and thats not right. I've had excellent advice to fill my life, go out, do hobbies etc.
But how ? How do I start doing these things? I'm 45 ?!
I'm getting worse every day just obsessing and feeling anxious and lonely.
Any ideas ?

Well, I'm 40 so I'd consider you and I to be contemporaries. I've just had my first baby, I'm signing up to run another marathon next year, I had a great social life pre-Covid and fully intend to get it back once we can. Honestly, we're in our prime! I wonder if being in that hellish situation for so long has ground you down and made you feel older than you actually are?

Why would you only try one new activity? Seriously, let yourself dabble! It's hard at the moment, with restrictions, but if I were you I'd look at taking drawing classes, or a cookery class in the type of food you love, or book clubs. The key will be to meet people you have similar interests with initially, and then as your confidence grows, try new things as you think of them.

Also, you're not alone. We're at the age where, sadly, a lot of first marriages have ended and people are entering "chapter two". I think you'll find a lot of like-minded people - in fact there are apps specifically aimed at finding friendships rather than romance. Citysocialiser is one that springs to mind but I'm sure there are others. Are you in an urban or rural area?

I'm in an urban area really. Think tennis

To make friends - I think book clubs are great. Look up on meetup or google your local area+ book club. There are so many. I have also been to sketching meetups as well. Good to socialize. Are you into walking? A lot of walking groups around London too and it's low pressure since you can talk or not. You have to google again or use meetup website. If you are into running, maybe try park run?

Other things you can try: yoga, pilates, climbing, bootcamp, dance classes (e.g. tango), tennis lessons (good way to meet people too), animal shelter volunteering, charity shop volunteering, photography class, chocolate making workshop, wine workshop, makeup lessons.

I think you can try to socialize online too a bit. Maybe it's easier? There are many zoom events. Check out eventbrite

Eventbrite and Meetup . Com have loads of hobbies / groups you could join especially as you’re in London there’s so many. Just have a browse and see if any take your fancy and try one :)

I think it’s best to make this a time for yourself to grow as a person and fill your own life up rather than depending on your relationship to do that. As a PP said I’m excited for you!

How about part time bar work a couple of evenings a week. You'll get to chat to loads of people and earn a bit of cash.

Or look for adult education courses? Something that might interest you but will get you out and meeting people

WI has a much younger demographic now

It took me 3 years out of an abusive relationship to find myself and I completely identify with your sense of not knowing who you are and what you like. I remember crying in the supermarket because I had no idea what coffee to buy - years of pleasing him and not upsetting him and I'd lost even simple things like knowing which coffee I liked. I'd say try anything and everything, say yes to every opportunity and start listening to your inner voice about what feels right for you. Expect days when you just want to hibernate and be gentle with yourself. Friendships will follow. This is your chance to live authentically and find out who you are - it's an adventure if you can embrace the uncertainty.

@Clovertoast

Oh, I have sent off for my driving licence and I'm going to book my theory test so I'm doing that. But I'm so scared!

Ooooooo that's exciting!!!!!!

used to love to draw but haven't done it for years.

Doesn't matter. Who cares! Do what you enjoy. DM me if you want because I have recommendations on what to get.

I would contact your local Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ they're having groups online at the moment, you can meet like minded women that way, who are really supportive. Then meet them IRL for a cuppa, walk etc.

You could also try Meetup.com

And play Pokemon Go. :) You can meet people local to you through that- look for local Facebook groups and raid groups. It's a great icebreaker. Mumsnet have our own Pokemon thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/video_games_chat/3983871-Pokemon-Go-Thread-30-wheres-my-shiny-dratini and now a very active Discord for chat discord.com/invite/Jy29cKN

It sounds as if you are making some great steps, op.
I've moved cities a few times, so have had to go through the whole building friendships thing. The key is to try lots of different things. Join a cooking class AND an art group AND a walking group AND toastmasters. Getting to know people takes time, so don't be disheartened if you don't click straight away. I've found it takes a year or two to really settle in, but you can have a lot of fun getting there. Even having people to just say hello to is important.
Also, life expectancy for a woman in an OECD country is often early 80s- which means that you still have nearly half your life to live.

I think it's great you have identified you don't want to be sitting around waiting for new dp to text for you to have a life. Don't go back to a place where your time and life is defined by someone else.

You basically just have to try stuff. And what you enjoy will be a combo of the activity and the group of people. You already identified a list above. Also think back to when you were a child, and what you enjoyed then.

And build in a ton of self care. When I was recovering from a difficult relationship I did lots of crafting whilst listening to radio 4. The phone calls was a great suggestion. I found these were so important to me, even if not so important to the other person.

Oh, and ps. At 45, you might be just over or about half way through life. Take away childhood and actually you have most of your adult life still to go. Plenty of time to write many more chapters. Enjoy discovering your story!

You have done so well and your future is bright. I would just try things and if they're not for you then you can stop. You will still meet people. Just be friendly, open and yourself and you'll soon have friends.

I recently joined a local cycling group. Only short journeys. It’s very social and keeps me fit.

Or yoga classes? Local walking group? Volunteer fir a food bank or something similar. You will soon make friends.

Yoga, it's great for your body and your mental energy.

Have you spoken to your dp about it...is he supportive in trying to help you?

If you haven't already, apply to do the Freedom programme which is for women who've been in abusive relationships.

It builds self esteem and helps spot the red flags for the future.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/