How do you add to an empty life.....

[Clovertoast]

I'm trying really hard to take steps to fill my life after leaving a horrific 25 year abusive marriage.
I managed to get him to leave, it was horrific with police involvement.
18 months later I'm left with freedom at last but not much else.
I have no friends as I was never allowed to build relationships as I wasn't allowed out. I can't drive as that was frowned upon, I would have been accused of sleeping with the instructor, so I'm mainly trapped indoors.
I do have a good job with lovely colleagues but have been wfh since March so miss that interaction.

I met someone 9 months ago, we see each other when we can but I'm struggling being apart and getting clingy and anxious. I'm scared I will drive him away. I'm focusing everything on him and thats not right. I've had excellent advice to fill my life, go out, do hobbies etc.
But how ? How do I start doing these things? I'm 45 ?!
I'm getting worse every day just obsessing and feeling anxious and lonely.
Any ideas ?

Oh, I have sent off for my driving licence and I'm going to book my theory test so I'm doing that. But I'm so scared!

No but if you've met someone I'm very impressed. I'm nearly 5 years free and wouldn't know how.

Hi clovertoast! Well done for leaving what sounds like a horrible situation.

I would suggest something like Meetup. You can choose what you're interested in, say for example painting or reading, and find like minded people who share that interest. The other option if you don't want to go to a group as that may be too daunting is Bumble BFF. You can start chatting to people and make friends that way. Good luck

I didn't learn to drive until my forties...but it is so liberating so keep at it. If you struggle with manual gears, go for an automatic. Fill you time with hobbies, and consider getting a pet...I love my cats and dog, they are amazing and loyal and loving...the direct opposite of every man I have been romantically involved with.

Well I think it’s great that you e recognised the need to fill your life a bit and not rely on your new partner- and a huge well done for the strength it’s taken to leave and start again.

In terms of how to get started, can you start by mentioning to colleagues that you are on the look out for a new hobby and what to try something new? They might recommend something they are doing (or where doing which will pick up again after Covid) which might sound interesting- they might even suggest you came along too.

Is there anything you are naturally interested in? You could google for local groups, Pilates, yoga a gentle gym class if you’re not usually a gym type person?

The other thing you could try is some charity work - wherever you live there will be loads of charities near by looking for trustees and volunteers, you’d get a chance to meet local people who shared similar views, and if you get on it can lead to a cup of tea etc out of work. My friend volunteered for gas concern and she goes every week to a wonderful elderly lady for a cup of tea and piece of cake as a companion- sometimes my friend is the only person she sees and it’s so rewarding. Other people I know volunteer to walk dogs for a local dogs home, or maybe a homeless shelter all full of kind volunteers up for making friends.

Start off slow with no huge commitments if you don’t know what you want yet maybe.

As well as meeting new people maybe spend some time on self care. Anything that makes you feel good - eating well, exercising and relaxing.
I'm currently doing yoga with Adrianne to help with my anxiety.

Oh bless you
Try to focus on how amazingly well you have done !
Where are you based as if you're near Hertfordshire I would happily meet you for a walk sometime .
There are lots of organised walks here , maybe you could try one of those and just take it gently as when walking the pressure feels off to me as there's other things to focus on and you can chat and get to know people without feeling under scrutiny.

Well done for leaving an abusive relationship

Start with just one thing. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to change everything all at once, your building a new life for yourself so little steps within a year a two will add up to a completely different life. If I was you I would start with learning to drive as this will give you a goal to aim for and when you pass and get on the road you’ll have more independence and feel proud of yourself which will do the world of good for your self confidence. And maybe just trying one hobby that interests you where you can also meet some new people. As scary as it is pushing past our comfort zones always feels amazing so the more you do it the better you’ll feel about yourself.

“The journey of a thousand miles starts with just one step.”

Good luck and enjoy your new life

I don’t have any suggestions to add, but I just want to say how much I admire you - what you have achieved so far, and also your attitude. I wish you the best.

Getting your licence will not only boost your confidence but open up so many opportunities for you. Have you considered volunteering as a way of meeting people? Hard at mo to meet people as so many clubs are on hold. What about a college course?

Thank you so much your messages have made me cry.
I am waiting for my provisional license to come back then I'm booking lessons. I'm terrified but exhilarated, I want to get started now !!!

I've been trying to find groups but I don't really know what I like or what to do ? It sounds so pathetic but i was never allowed to DO anything so I didn't . I stayed in and ate, drank and avoided exdh.
I've also lost nearly 4 stone which honestly has made me feel so much better about myself. I've gone from a 20 to a 12.

I just need to make friends, cultivate a life. I dont get to see my new dp that often as he's also divorced with kids and I literally end up sitting around on my bed waiting for him to text or the days I can see him.
I didnt break free to try and live a life for this!!

I pasted my driving test at the age of 36 & it’s the best thing I ever did. You will wonder how you ever lived without it. Xx

I would make a list of people (friends and family) you would like to have a chat with

And then phone them. £4.95 will buy a sim card with unlimited minutes

Make a note of who you call, and schedule the next call (but no need to tell them). Use a calendar to plan this and other nice activities

Make a daily note of good things you've experienced however small, to keep cheerful

Good luck - you really deserve it

I am 49 and had 2 abusive marriages op. I am remarried to a good egg but still have no friends...
Recovery from ptsd symptoms took years.
I have another dc who is 5 and several ddogs who do my mh the world of good.
Good wishes on your new adventures op.

If you don’t know what you’d like to do, then try everything! I’ve done short courses and tasters on loads of stuff - Spanish, photography, climbing, sewing, science, cycling and gardening. As a result of that I’m now in a climbing and fell walking group, after volunteering at a hospice garden I now have an allotment, and I passed my GCSE biology this year. After doing a day-long curtains and blinds course I sewed Roman blinds for every room in my house and saved a fortune. I also ride to work, and go on cycling holidays - and I’m 48.

Can you tell us which part of the country you are in? We might be able to recommend things for you to try.

Wow thank you all. I'm in south west London.

Would you consider something like Women’s Institute? Also good are walking groups. Some how the walking along helps with the chatting.
Another option is volunteering - also give a focus but maybe not such good source of friends
I just also want to do how brave you are and good for you

OP, I'm the same age as you and 12 months ago I started playing bass with a punk band.

You're never too old. What do you want to do? I agree with trying everything if you're not sure.

@Clovertoast 45 is so young! And with the strength and bravery you've already shown in striking out on your own, the world is your oyster! I'm actually excited for you! You've done the hardest bit, now it's just a question of exploring.

I second @SweatyBetty20 - try everything. You have a huge adventure ahead! What do you like to do - are you creative? Do you like to make things? What interests you?

Well done OP on both getting out of an abusive relationship and weight loss. You are truly inspiring.

What do you like to do? I would say take a few personality tests online. They can help narrow down passions and hobbies. Are you more looking to make friends and build a social circle, or find hobbies and things to do? Just get out and try things. Commit to trying one new activity every weekend.

DO you have any pets? How about a rescue kitten? They are very fun and have so much love to give that you might forget your partner!

It doesn't feel young @RedPandaFluff. It feels like I have wasted my life.
You would think I would be enjoying my peace and quiet but I think having a taste of a " normal " relationship is making me yearn for it more so I'm lonely. I was lonely a long long time in my marriage.

I've discovered I like to cook. I'm not that great but keen. I used to love to draw but haven't done it for years.
I used to read all the time but like lots of people I'm forever on my phone.
A habit I'm trying to break !

I suppose I'm trying to make a life for myself because I've literally never had one.

I got a rescue cat a few months after exdh left. He is very loved but naughty.
I think its friends that I need. I would like to just make friends, have people to talk to, run things by, go shopping or to lunch with. I've never done that

But how do I find the one new activity to try ?

I'm also trying to build up a life post shitty marriage and I've found that people are much more receptive to building friendships than I had thought. I've started with the people I already know, like work colleagues, and been bold by making steps to arrange out of work meet ups. I've obviously avoided running round the office shouting 'does anyone want to be my friend?' but I've picked just a few people that I genuinely enjoy spending time with and we've ended up having some really nice meet ups. Sometimes I think that a better life isn't actually that far away from where I am now and I think you may well find the same. (disclaimer: obviously I have bad days where I cry and eat donuts but those days get further and further apart)

Take driving lessons!