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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bit sad I will never have the relationship I imagined

33 replies

User3405678 · 08/09/2020 12:13

DP and I have two kids together. When we met I had no kids but he already had two from a previous relationship and two step that he raised since they were a baby and toddler.
Pretty much since I was pregnant with my first born would get waves of I suppose sadness more than anything when it came to scans etc that it was a first for me and not him. Everything that we've done he's already done before with someone else. That feeling has never really gone away from driving babies and I home from hospital, first birthdays, first holidays, first day at school, and everything in between. We're currently looking to buy, I'll be a first time buyer but he bought a house before with his ex.

I know it's silly but I always imagined my life meeting someone and all our big "first's" in life being together. I wish I didn't feel like this but I just cannot seem to ever shake it.

Surely I'm not the only person to get these feelings. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 08/09/2020 15:26

It's still a 'first' for him. He's never done these things with you before. This is your adventures as a couple- nothing to do with your previous lives.

Don't let something as silly like this eat you up.

Gilda152 · 08/09/2020 15:33

But... You chose a man with other children so what did you expect to happen? Or are you surprised that these feelings are in your head? You're right it is silly insofar of course it's not a first for him but there's not a great to be done is there apart from to enjoy your experience and make sure your baby gets to bond properly with their existing siblings.

Sakurami · 08/09/2020 15:42

That means that he's probably learned from his mistakes with his first family. Enjoy the fact that you have a child with a man you love who treats you well etc. Don't waste energy pining after something which wasn't right for him anyway.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/09/2020 15:50

Is it things he’s said or done that upset you or your objective facts that he’s had these experiences before?

I’m a step mum to two and we have a shared child. I’ve never really felt like that. I’d been married before and owned a house before but mine and DH wedding was unrecognisably different and the house buying prices was different as are the house itself and the area we live in. In the same way he found having our DD totally different. He’s 10 years older which is one factor, we had a fucking nightmare getting her which is another! I know in my head he’s done some of it before but I don’t feel it in my heart if that makes any sense. But he never made any comparisons or talked about his ex’s pregnancy unless I asked something specific which he was happy to answer and he was doing it with me for the first time so it was a first in that sense.

I’m sorry you feel like this Flowers

Itsrainingnotmen · 08/09/2020 15:54

Op I had dc when I met dh. He had none. We had one together... The firsts were still amazing!!
I have many many dc and each and every one was a special pregnancy /birth.

Rae5647 · 08/09/2020 16:03

I felt exactly the same OP. It was just a sadness like you say, that none of it is new to them. I started getting irritated with comparisons he was making or if he sneered when I worried about something “normal” the baby was doing.
I eventually told him how it was making me feel, that somehow he didn’t seem as excited as me about everything, as he’d been there done that. Turned out HE was also frustrated with me because I’d never take his advice or respect that he might know better in some situations.

He tries to be a bit more tactful now, and I take on board his past experiences with his other DC. It’s actually meant he is a lot calmer with things and helps me relax a lot more if any issues crop up with our DC (rather than two new parents out of their mind with worry)! Swings and roundabouts, it can’t be helped.

Original poster
User3405678 · 08/09/2020 16:21

I didn't feel like this to begin with, or when I very first found out I was pregnant it was somewhere along the pregnancy it began and I can't identify when.
His ex is an awful person, more than just a bad breakup, as far as I know she was pretty emotionally and at times physically abusive the whole time and I've saw first hand what a nasty woman she is. So whenever I asked questions about his other children regarding pregnancy/birth/newborn etc he didn't really want to talk about it and would always shut it down. Maybe this has something to do with it

OP posts:
monkeyonthetable · 08/09/2020 16:24

Focus on what a PP said: these are his firsts with you. You have lived in other homes. But this is your first time buying a home with him. And you can make loads of firsts with him. First happy marriage for a start!

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/09/2020 16:36

Focus on being thankful your children are healthy and you are in a good relationship.

Going into a depression over a non issue??? Perspective OP 😬

CorianderLord · 08/09/2020 16:38

Dads don't love their second kids any less or find their first X with that child any less special than with their first child so why would it matter with the third?

Itsrainingnotmen · 08/09/2020 17:18

It could be your naturals protection instincts op. You naturally want to be sure your baby is the priority of you and it's df. Him having other dc won't stand in the way of him being a decent df if that's his wish. Making sure his dc are included will help in the change for everyone..

NotaCoolMum · 08/09/2020 17:46

Don’t worry about not being his “first”...I’d rather be his “last”!

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/09/2020 18:32

@Closetbeanmuncher

Focus on being thankful your children are healthy and you are in a good relationship.

Going into a depression over a non issue??? Perspective OP 😬

Yeah, why don’t you go the whole hog and tell her to pull her socks up and ignore her valid and not uncommon feelings Hmm

Do you feel better about yourself when you put the boot in like that?

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/09/2020 21:03

If it was all consuming need to have a series of 'firsts' why set up why get with a man who already had kids?

Again he treats her well and their kids are safe and healthy....perspective!!!

I stand by what I said, end of.

beautifulxdisasters · 08/09/2020 21:12

@Closetbeanmuncher

If it was all consuming need to have a series of 'firsts' why set up why get with a man who already had kids?

Again he treats her well and their kids are safe and healthy....perspective!!!

I stand by what I said, end of.

You clearly have no comprehension of what it is like to be in OPs situation. Do you always understand exactly how you're going to feel about a situation several years in advance? Hmm
Ilovetheseventies · 08/09/2020 21:30

I don't think even if it was his first that men generally look at it like that. Have you told him how you feel?
Maybe you just need to feel special by him about this do you think?
It's a little bit about insecurity and even jealousy that he's done it before.

Ilovetheseventies · 08/09/2020 21:32

Plus I think I'd feel exactly the same and my only solution would be to talk about it as I can understand how it is making you feel.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/09/2020 21:40

Dulling what should be a happy experience my ruminating over a nonsensical, intangible concept of firsts and perfection is pretty fruitless.

To the peeps getting pissy my point is fairly clear - focus on what is instead of ruminating on what isnt. Comparison is the thief of joy.

elenacampana · 08/09/2020 22:03

I agree with you @Closetbeanmuncher. It seems like such a silly thing to get worked up about.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/09/2020 23:26

End of? At least we know the level of discourse to expect now, how thrilling.

CarolFuckingBaskinsTiger · 08/09/2020 23:29

I get this

Both me and DH have been married before and both have children from those marriages

It's tough. It's so fucking tough. I ended up in therapy and I still have awfully intrusive thoughts

I'd never, ever do it again - despite the love I have for DH

Ilovetheseventies · 09/09/2020 05:54

I would say how you are feeling is valid and normal and we all have insecurities so think about how you can move on from this.
I'm not saying all men are like this but firstly do you think men actually think like this anyway... Eg my first house etc.
Are you jealous of his past?Are you communicating with Yr DP well.
When I had my first DC and I look back it was special for me but my DP was more pragmatic I don't think he saw it in a special way but then he was v supportive in other ways.

category12 · 09/09/2020 06:23

I don't really "get" the dissatisfaction you feel. Underlying it all do you feel like your love and your children are second-best somehow?

Maybe you would benefit from some counselling around it as it's eating away at you? It seems a shame to let it erode your happiness.

pictish · 09/09/2020 06:42

I think if you allow yourself the thought and feeling then acknowledge that life doesn’t always follow a set path, you’ll be ok. There will be lots of people in your situation.
Think it, feel it, acknowledge it then accept it if you can...because you can’t change it.

rorosemary · 09/09/2020 06:52

I get it. I wanted to become a parent together with my partner, and grow into the parent role together. Which is one of the reasons I didn't date men with children. Also didn't want to be a stepmum and deal with caring for kids I had no say over.

Thankfully I knew this before I actually started TTC. In your case you can't go back so only can make the most of it as it is now.

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