Bit sad I will never have the relationship I imagined

[User3405678]

DP and I have two kids together. When we met I had no kids but he already had two from a previous relationship and two step that he raised since they were a baby and toddler.
Pretty much since I was pregnant with my first born would get waves of I suppose sadness more than anything when it came to scans etc that it was a first for me and not him. Everything that we've done he's already done before with someone else. That feeling has never really gone away from driving babies and I home from hospital, first birthdays, first holidays, first day at school, and everything in between. We're currently looking to buy, I'll be a first time buyer but he bought a house before with his ex.

I know it's silly but I always imagined my life meeting someone and all our big "first's" in life being together. I wish I didn't feel like this but I just cannot seem to ever shake it.

Surely I'm not the only person to get these feelings. Can anyone relate?

I'd like to give a view from the family of a first wife/mother. My daughter had my beautiful grandson with a man who left her for another woman (I'm not saying this is what happened in your situation). They went on to marry and have 2 children together. MDGS goes to stay with them for 24hrs once a month and, since she had her own children, his stepmother had been very mean to him - gives him supermarket-own cereal while hers eat the real thing, calls him a re**rd in front of her children, tells him he's fat and stupid (neither of which are true) and checks his phone to laugh at his conversations. He is now old enough to say he doesn't want to go any more and we support him on this though his dad is furious and can't see a problem. My daughter and I have explained her behaviour away as jealousy because MDGS is her husband's firstborn and she feels her own children are somehow not as loved by him (not at all true). I'm fairly sure the stepmother's dislike of MDGS will have started in the same way you feel as a vague dissatisfaction with being her husband's second family.

MDGS has just said he won't stay with his dad any more because of his stepmother's behaviour to him. It's been going on for years but he's now old enough to say enough is enough - she calls him a ret**d in front of her own 2 children and calls him fat and stupid when dad's not around. I think it stems from jealousy that he is her husband's first-born and she probably started off just feeling unhappy about a first family and her resentment has grown over the years. What you are feeling now needs to be dealt with in case it festers.

I think having some counselling might be a good idea. What you are feeling will be linked to past experiences/emotions n some way and you will need help to unpick it all.

When we have a child they come with a very strong 'imagined life'. When there is a fundamental difference between the reality and our imagined reality, it can really affect us.

(sorry, posted twice as mn gave error message!)

@lifestooshort123

Your grandson is being abused by his stepmother. Abusers usually have a vast amount of reasons why they abuse, but the core issue is down to who they are as a person. I don't think it's fair to assume that the OP will turn into an abuser because of the way she is feeling.

I'm sorry he is going through this. She sounds like a nasty piece of work

Jute, I didn't mean to give that impression and hope I haven't offended the OP? My point was that negative emotions need to be dealt with at the time (from any situation, not just this one) otherwise they have a tendency to ferment and pop up later.

You say you have 2 children together, is your 2nd child less important than your first because you had done it all before? Was going to scans, being pregnant and those first few special weeks with your newborn any less special because it was the 2nd time you had done it. Of course not. You and your children, your relationship and all of the special times you share because of that will still be special to him, more so if anything because as we got older and have had shit relationships to look back on we appreciate what we have all the more.

OP I dont think this is unusual, a friend is married with children. Her DH had 2 children from a previous relationship. She didn't feel that way until she got married, so when she didn't know how to do certain things she looked forward to looking up things with him and finding info out together or seeing venues together. But he already knew the steps to take to get married. Then when they had children it continued with scans, I think as time has gone on it has lessened as they have genuinely had some firsts now through their DC. I think it easy for people to say you need to get over it, although I'm not in your position I remember the anxiety about birth before I had DD, if I had another child I wouldn't feel that way as I have been through it before but it wouldn't mean I wouldn't love that child any less. Your feelings are valid, and you will have firsts over time. Try to remember these are firsts with you, you are not the ex so it is a different experience.