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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boss

26 replies

pinkbonbon22 · 08/09/2020 07:59

Iv been wanting to write on here about this for a while but always deleted my post because I know how people are going to judge me but I have literally no one to talk to in real life who I would want to know any of this . I feel so confused and annoyed with myself but here goes . Me and my boss !

Been working for the company 8 years I know there has always been a spark between us and it got a little too much about two years ago that I would change my work schedule so that we didn't have to work together . Still all this time I have thought of him but we have had no choice but to work together again these last 8 months and the spark for me just felt stronger than ever . I did have an idea that he felt that same. It's like we just clicked from the moment we met . We have everything I common . He's so friendly and easy to talk too . He's actually more like a women than a man. We have the same sense of humour which is rare because I would say I'm rather odd lol . Anyways obviously I would never ever tell him how I have been feeling but the other night we were working a night shift and he started looking all nervous and said that he has to tell me how he feels and that he has felt it ever since we met . He said he's so confused and started getting upset as this has never happened to him before . The conversation went on for while . He's married with a little girl . I'm engaged . Long term relationships . Both of us ain't happy but we both have a hell of a lot to lose if we were to leave our partners . Him more than me . He would probably lose everything. I said that to him also i said the grass is never greener and that if he did leave his wife how much crap he would get . He turned around and said but then do I really want to be this unhappy all my life or just deal with all that and then be happy with me . He also said I wish we met years ago . And I do too 😢 I would never in a million years do anything whilst us both being in relationships but I'm pretty un happy too . There's a lot of abuse going on with my relationship and his . Then I wonder is it because we are both unhappy we are feeling like this but I don't think it is . Iv been so unfocused and unable to relax since all this has been brought out in to the open . I'm even considering leaving my job. Anyone been though this and know what the best thing is to do ?

OP posts:
IslaBas · 08/09/2020 08:02

Sort your own life out before you go meddling in others.

You’re planning on marrying a man who you admit abuses you. Read that again.

Palavah · 08/09/2020 08:05

Do not marry a man who you're not happy with. Do not stay with a man who abuses you. Sort that out first. Can you leave, or get him to leave?

Lozzerbmc · 08/09/2020 08:23

I think you need to focus on your relationship. You mention abuse so you should end it.

With regard to the boss, can you transfer internally to a new post? I know difficult at the moment in current enonomic climate. Let boss sort his marrriage which he should end if not happy. Dont be the OW it will end in tears for you. However if he ends marriage and you are still single in future then it might work, but you cant be the reason he leaves wife otherwise it just leads to disaster. Good luck

Original poster
pinkbonbon22 · 08/09/2020 08:27

Thankyou so much for your replies I really appreciate them . I did say that to him too . I really want him to make it work with his wife even suggested he takes her flowers and for a weekend away . But it still didn't change anything . I'm 100 percent I'm leaving my job now . I'm not going to be the reason for a marriage breakdown and line I said the grass is never greener we could get together and realise it was a huge mistake. But it's too late then 😢. If in years to come and we do contact each other and things have changed then that's when I would be willing to give it a go x

OP posts:
ladymuck111 · 08/09/2020 08:34

I agree with everyone else. Sort out your own issues and don't stay with someone who is abusive towards you.
You've said the right things to your boss and the grass definitely isn't always greener on the other side.
Leave your OH if that's what you need to do, but don't leave him for this other man.

Palavah · 08/09/2020 08:57

i really want him to make it work with his wife even suggested he takes her flowers and for a weekend away
Just stay out of his relationship.

Why are you leaving your job? Do you have another one to go to?

Palavah · 08/09/2020 08:58

What are you doing about ending things with your fiance where there is abuse? Do you have somewhere you can go if you can't get him out of the place you live?

PicsInRed · 08/09/2020 09:29

You aren't the first and you won't be the last.

It's so easy to have everything in common when you just say that you do. Google "mirroring". I bet he's a different person with each woman.

His poor wife and child.

Sakurami · 08/09/2020 09:35

Leave your fiance and let him sort his life out.

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 09:40

The most common scenario here is that you leave your relationship, he somehow doesn't end up leaving his, he shags you for as long as it takes for the shine to wear off, then it goes sour, then it's over; you're single with no kids, have been the other woman for months or even years (and as long as you were you were too caught up emotionally with him to meet anyone else) while he's still married (with his kids etc) and his wife, if she ever even funds out, stats because of the kids and because he feeds her some classic lines about his infidelity that she swallows.

A mess - in which you gain nothing other than having your self esteem affected by being the other woman and him not "caring" enough about you to leave his wife etc. while he loses nothing.

Occasionally the marriages do beak up (if the wife funds out and she's not the type to stay) but that's the minority of cases. And it wasn't his choice to end the marriage.

IslaBas · 08/09/2020 09:42

“I really want him to make it work with his wife even suggested he takes her flowers and for a weekend away”

Oh that’s just fucking grim. Imagine finding out your husband bought you flowers because some silly girl at work wants to shag him and is making a show of helping out your marriage 🤢

Stay out of her life
Leave your fiancé
Get some self respect

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 09:45

We've all thought someone was the dog's bollocks and our potential soulmate - when we haven't had a real relationship with them for any time ... If you're in a real relationship with them for a couple of years and you still think they're wonderful and you're so well suited etc etc that's one thing; but that's not common. Crushes and honeymoon periods that fade out or go sour are much more common.

Original poster
pinkbonbon22 · 08/09/2020 09:48

@IslaBas

“I really want him to make it work with his wife even suggested he takes her flowers and for a weekend away”

Oh that’s just fucking grim. Imagine finding out your husband bought you flowers because some silly girl at work wants to shag him and is making a show of helping out your marriage 🤢

Stay out of her life
Leave your fiancé
Get some self respect

I take it your husband has done the same too you ?
OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 08/09/2020 09:50

You're obviously deeply unhappy if you're being abused and you need to sort that out. He may genuinely be deeply unhappy too but that's on him to deal with. Just because you're attracted to each other doesn't mean you're right for each other, even if you were both single.

Original poster
pinkbonbon22 · 08/09/2020 09:51

@IslaBas

“I really want him to make it work with his wife even suggested he takes her flowers and for a weekend away”

Oh that’s just fucking grim. Imagine finding out your husband bought you flowers because some silly girl at work wants to shag him and is making a show of helping out your marriage 🤢

Stay out of her life
Leave your fiancé
Get some self respect

Youv really pissed me off . If I wanted to shag him I could of years ago and a thousand times over but the reason why I havnt is because I have self respect 😴. And I suggested flowers and a weekend away because that's something I would like off a partner . Take up some boxing lessons or something you horrid cow . Seems like you have a lot of anger going on
OP posts:
ravenmum · 08/09/2020 09:56

He said he's so confused and started getting upset as this has never happened to him before
Hm, yes, this is what my exh told his OW. It was not true; he'd been flirting with and softening up women in an eerily similar way for some time. Came across as a lovely guy who would never do that sort of thing. He was telling her how unhappy he was with me, and how I wouldn't let him leave, when actually he'd been so unpleasant to me and the kids during their affair that I had asked him to leave, and he wouldn't go.

The way people "allow" themselves to have affairs is to justify it to themselves by finding reasons why it is OK. They often believe their own lies. You're with a man who, how many years ago? Five? Less? was so sure of his marriage that he decided to bring a child into the world with his wife. Be very careful. It's not a choice between this guy and your "fiancé".

Whatever comes of this, the first thing to do is get a new job and your own place.

Original poster
pinkbonbon22 · 08/09/2020 09:57

Iv actually just emailed the company to say I will be leaving 😬 I need to do this x

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkbonbon22 · 08/09/2020 09:58

I hate feeling like this too i feel so guilty and in an odd way even tho I knew how he was feeling before he told me . When he did it actually made me go off him a bit and now I kind of feel uneasy about him x

OP posts:
ravenmum · 08/09/2020 10:01

I'm not surprised you felt uneasy. On a night shift and then the only other person there - the one who arranged the shift - starts coming on to you? I'd have felt slightly scared I think.

IslaBas · 08/09/2020 10:20

You horrid cow Grin

You seem like a treat yourself Wink

Original poster
pinkbonbon22 · 08/09/2020 10:28

@IslaBas

You horrid cow Grin

You seem like a treat yourself Wink

Nah just been brought up to 1 , don't judge anyone and 2 stick up for yourself .
OP posts:
PicsInRed · 08/09/2020 10:47

Youv really pissed me off . If I wanted to shag him I could of years ago and a thousand times over but the reason why I havnt is because I have self respect. And I suggested flowers and a weekend away because that's something I would like off a partner . Take up some boxing lessons or something you horrid cow . Seems like you have a lot of anger going on

If this isn't a wind up, it is so sad.

Original poster
pinkbonbon22 · 08/09/2020 10:56

Just reading though all of your comments and when I go on my break I will Answer more questions . I do really appreciate the ones that actually want to give some good advice .

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkbonbon22 · 08/09/2020 10:58

@PicsInRed

You aren't the first and you won't be the last.

It's so easy to have everything in common when you just say that you do. Google "mirroring". I bet he's a different person with each woman.

His poor wife and child.

I think you could be right 😢 I was actually thinking if he has been fake all this time . I even said to him the other day how do I know that it's you who is the not nice one and not your wife ? And this is all just a mr nice guy act . Thankyou for your reply x
OP posts:
Srslydontgiveacrap · 08/09/2020 11:27

You need to leave your relationship as well as your job. Definitely do not get married.

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