SIL was molested as a child

[Orlando512]

A few years ago my SIL (DH sister) told me she was molested by her cousin when she was a young girl. She didn't go into too much detail, but I'm under the impression it lasted a few years. I'm the only person in the family that knows about this. I was horrified and shocked when I found out, but told her I would never tell anyone as it was her story to tell, but that I will always be there for her if she ever wanted to talk about it. I tried to encourage her to tell DH, but she said she didn't want to do that, so I haven't pushed any further. The cousin is a part of our lives still, but a once a year type relationship. I haven't seen him since I was told this information and to be honest don't want to see his face ever again. My problem is I feel like I have this big secret for dh. He and his sister are close and I know he will be devastated if he found out. I would never tell him and break my SIL's trust, but am scared one day he will find out and not forgive me if he knew that I knew and never told him. I just wanted to get this off my chest to be honest as I've never told anybody before...

@artaholic thank you so much for sharing and I'm sorry this happened to you. My SIL and I have spoken about it a handful of times, but only when she has bought it up. The day after she told me (she was drunk when she told me) she said she was glad I knew, but she wasn't ready to tell me all the details. After that I've only ever asked her if she's ok and assured her that I'm there for her should she need someone and have only discussed it when she initiated the conversation. She has had counselling, which helped her, but she stopped and has told me recently that she's struggling again. I told her that I think it's something she needs to keep doing even if she does feel better.. a bit like a preventative type thing. Thank you for the information. I will take a note of that association and will give her the details when we next discuss it x

As some who was sexually abused by a family member can I just say the worst advice is to encourage her to go to the police. It is not her responsibility to protect others. This sounds horrible in the cold light of day. Many of us don’t disclose as we do not want the added pressure of going to the police.

Yes sadly that all sounds very familiar. I'm always loath to admit how much therapy I've had because added up it amounts to 20 years, but I still have times I just need that kind of holding and outlet.
I'm so glad she's got you. Trust me, knowing there's someone who knows and doesn't judge is the thing that makes the difference, often.

I agree with much of what @TeeBee says. Up to the victim how she deals with it.

I’d also be very careful about demonising the cousin. If this occurred when he was 10-13, he was a child too. It’s very possible he was acting out abuse or sexual behaviour he was inappropriately exposed to. And the responsibility for keeping her safe, at 5 years old, lay with the adults who were around. At such young ages, it’s not as simple as deciding he was a child molester or, as an adult, is a paedophile.

Of course, none of that takes away from the impact of the experience on her.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Maybe ask her if she would like you to tell him?

No dont do that. As some one who who was abusive by a family member don’t. If she’d wanted you to tell him she would have said so. Tbh I bet she really regrets telling you as she will think one day you will spill the beans to him.

She would have weighed up a zillion times to tell people. She would have thought about all the possible outcomes. She would have had moments when she wanted to tell.

But she isn’t ready to open that can of worms. It is a burden for you to keep. Just forget about it

I agree Byallmeans.

What is it about him that your DH doesn't like?

What a hoot
Had a great time filling this in ... the questions are bonkers!

So sorry, posted on the wrong thread (I thought was responding to a thread about filling in a silly survey).

for you and your SIL, OP.