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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SIL was molested as a child

59 replies

Orlando512 · 07/09/2020 14:27

A few years ago my SIL (DH sister) told me she was molested by her cousin when she was a young girl. She didn't go into too much detail, but I'm under the impression it lasted a few years. I'm the only person in the family that knows about this. I was horrified and shocked when I found out, but told her I would never tell anyone as it was her story to tell, but that I will always be there for her if she ever wanted to talk about it. I tried to encourage her to tell DH, but she said she didn't want to do that, so I haven't pushed any further. The cousin is a part of our lives still, but a once a year type relationship. I haven't seen him since I was told this information and to be honest don't want to see his face ever again. My problem is I feel like I have this big secret for dh. He and his sister are close and I know he will be devastated if he found out. I would never tell him and break my SIL's trust, but am scared one day he will find out and not forgive me if he knew that I knew and never told him. I just wanted to get this off my chest to be honest as I've never told anybody before...

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 07/09/2020 15:10

@Orlando512

My son has never and will never have anything to do with the cousin
Bluntly, what if you die? Your DH wouldn't know and cousin would have access to your child(ren).
HollowTalk · 07/09/2020 15:12

It's very worrying if it went on for a few years, as that would take him into his teens.

HollowTalk · 07/09/2020 15:13

@PicsInRed In that very unlikely event, the SIL would presumably tell the OP's husband.

TeeBee · 07/09/2020 15:13

Marta, I think it is such a common reaction to say 'get them to disclose' or 'get them to go to counselling'. It is usually said with the very very best intentions but sadly for the person who has experienced the abuse, it is not always the best thing for THEM. So many things are taken out of the control of someone who is abused, if and when they disclose should definitely be something they do have control over and should not be made to feel guilty if they choose to deal with it themselves. Thank you for reconsidering your stance. It's something I feel very strongly about.

blackcat86 · 07/09/2020 15:13

@PicsInRed if something happened to OP then SIL would still know the truth. It doesn't sound like there is a lot of contact in any case.

blackcat86 · 07/09/2020 15:14

Cross Post!

Original poster
Orlando512 · 07/09/2020 15:16

@PicsInRed My husband doesn't think to fondly of this person as it is, so I can't see him ever allowing them to be alone. I also trust my SIL with my DS's life and I know she would never let harm come to him and wouldn't allow him to be in that position.

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 07/09/2020 15:19

Put your SIL to one side in this instance. I would also tell your husband after speaking to them depending on how it turns out.

The SIL has already had no control of this happening to her. All she has is the control over who gets to know and how they get to know.

It's not up to op, or anyone else to tell anyone about what happened. SIL needs to do it at her own pace if she wishes. Her feelings are paramount here.

If there came a time when reports are made or whatever then the SIL will need to be involved or else it's just hearsay anyway.

TeeBee · 07/09/2020 15:27

I think it might also be important to remember that it is unusual for a 10-year old to sexually touch another child. I wonder if he had also experienced inappropriate touching. He was a child himself. It doesn't necessarily mean that he grew up to be a paedophile.

TeeBee · 07/09/2020 15:28

Difficult: I totally agree with you.

picklemewalnuts · 07/09/2020 15:32

Addressing your concern about avoiding him in future, presumably SIL will also want to. Can you arrange something together? You could, with her permission, tell DH that the two of you don't want to be there, are actively avoiding someone, and ask him to support you both in not going. You could even say you and SIL both hate being around him and have decided to avoid him.
It may help her to tell him- sometimes telling someone feels very bald and eventful, whereas saying 'I need you to help me avoid x' is a more natural conversation and can lead into telling someone, if you want to.

jessstan2 · 07/09/2020 15:33

You are quite right not to tell anyone, including your husband. If he does find out later and that you knew, he has to accept that something told in confidence stays confidential.

I feel for your sister in law. What a horrible experience for a five year old. I've only read page one so far but wonder how old the cousin was at the time.

jessstan2 · 07/09/2020 15:33

Oh yes, I now see he was ten.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/09/2020 15:33

TeeBee raises a good point.

Original poster
Orlando512 · 07/09/2020 15:36

Yes, my SIL has said she would never want to attend.

OP posts:
Aridane · 07/09/2020 15:37

No, the priority is not for your SIL to report it; her priority lies only in recovering herself. She is not responsible for anyone else in that regard. She is not the person causing hurt; she is the person trying to recover from it. Please do not ever put pressure on someone recovering from sexual abuse to disclose information before they are ready to do so. It can be incredibly traumatic.
I also believe that as she has trusted you enough to confide in you, your responsibility is to only support her. Your DH can be all sorts of upset if and when he finds out but it is not your duty to tell him, it is hers, only if she wishes to.

Spot on

Original poster
Orlando512 · 07/09/2020 15:37

@TeeBee Yes, I agree. I have thought that he was a child himself and although very strange and disgusting behavior, that it doesn't necessarily mean he is an pedophile now. At the same time, I can't take the chance when it comes to my DS.

OP posts:
username501 · 07/09/2020 15:38

OP this is a safeguarding issue if he has access to young children. He may be molesting a child now. I understand your conflict but it may be an idea to get some advice.

Please be aware, that if you contact the NSPCC, they will show the perpetrator the statement so make sure you don't include any information that can be traced to you. For example, don't say: 'My SIL told me that her cousin Pete...'

As well as the NSPCC, you can contact Crimestoppers anonymously: 0800 555111

Original poster
Orlando512 · 07/09/2020 15:39

Thank you all for your replies. I will continue to support my SIL as I have been. I won't ever disclose this information to anyone unless she specifically asks me to, or if she wants me to be there when she decides to do so herself :-) thank you for all your support.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 07/09/2020 15:41

Regarding your DP, ultimately your DSIL decided whom she would tell and on what basis. Once she did that and with such a sensitive subject, you were unable to break her trust.

TeeBee · 07/09/2020 15:48

Op, of course you wouldn't put your own children at risk. You won't be leaving your children alone with him ever, so they will not be at risk from him. But then, many of us would not leave our children in the care of people just because they are family members...especially those that make us uneasy anyway. You'll be able to keep your children perfectly safe.
You sound like a great SIL and I'm glad she has you to confide in. Just know that she may be beating herself up for letting out information, or she may feel relieved. It's important that you let her know that the information will not be shared elsewhere by you. You sound very supportive.

Original poster
Orlando512 · 07/09/2020 15:52

@TeeBee thank you for your lovely message. I have tried my best to support her :-) I've never been put in this position before... hence why I wrote this post. Just wanted to make sure I have gone about it the right way. She's very special to me and will always be there for her. I'm proud that she trusted me so much and also proud that she had the courage to let someone in.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 07/09/2020 15:52

[quote HollowTalk]@PicsInRed In that very unlikely event, the SIL would presumably tell the OP's husband.[/quote]
There's really no assurance of that at all.

"Hopefully" isn't good enough when an alleged child molester has access to children.

artaholic · 07/09/2020 15:56

Name changed for this. I was abused as a child by another child, it makes for a particularly confusing psychology as an adult. I’ve had donkey’s years of therapy though so I can just about see the wood for the trees. I just wanted to point out that SIL is probably a lot of different people at different times, I don’t mean anything fancy like having split personality I just mean she might be a very competent fully functioning adult a lot of the time and a confused child at other times. So the bit of her that told you about the abuse probably doesn’t realise how difficult it’s made things for you in terms of hiding it from your DH. However – she obviously trusts you, which is massive. So have you and she ever spoken about it again? Sorry if I’ve missed that, I’ve not RTFT properly (I know that’s a mumsnet crime but there it is).
Also wanted to tell you about this org - National Association for People Abused in Childhood. Lots of useful stuff on their website and various services. If the subject is at all open you could point her towards them? Sounds like she needs at least to have some kind of counselling because it’s all bottled up. Good luck. So difficult. Flowers
napac.org.uk/

Original poster
Orlando512 · 07/09/2020 15:56

@PicsInRed He does not have access to my child. As I said above, he has never met my Son. My Husband does not think highly of this person and would never trust them with our Son.

OP posts: