dp has said he is going to leave unless I sort my depression out and im 6 mth pg

[wurlywoo]

Sorry to call on you all for help but dont know what else to do.

I have been depressed all my life and now is no exception.

My dp has tried to be supportive in the past, we have been together fore 2 years and have a baby on the way. I love him very very much. but I cant be happy about anything I am constantly depressed and so negative about every aspect of my life. I have been through a lot in the past and I cant let go of anything.

He has told me tonight after things have been realy strained between us for quite a while that if I dont sort myself out he is going to leave.

Part of me thinks he is being a bit selfish but I understand that he is fed up and he gets very angry with me for being so negative.

The thought of raising this baby on my own with no money fills me dread. I am not sure if I can do it. He says that me being like this isnt attractive at all, which explains his behaviour regarding being so distant from me.

I am hurting like hell but I dont know where to begin to get help. I cant afford proper psychological CBT counselling which is what I need but I feel like I am on a timebomb, as how long will it be before he leaves?

I feel very very low and verging suicidal.

Obviously I cant sleep and I am a bit of a mess at the moment but I guess admitting this is the first step.

Anyone have any suggestions, please before I do something stupid..

Really sorry about the thread.

Poor you. I can see where your Hubby is coming from it must be incredibly hard for him to see the woman he loves so down when you should both be enjoying becoming a family.

But you really need some support. I was incredibly depressed when pg with my first and slightly with my second, dh was great but it left him drained and as much as he would like another baby he dreads the pg. You said your relationship with your father is strained, what about your mum?

You definately need to talk to your midwife as she can be invaluable support you need and they are there for you. She might be able to refer you to have some help (i was offered some so should be a routine thing?)

you sound like you are having a really tough time but the best thing you could do is talk about it. I found it worse when i sat at home and thought to much about it. I'd end up in tears all day.

Just think soon you'll have a gorgeous baby staring into your eyes and your life will change forever. It might not seem like it now but things really will work out for you. Try to focus on that and put past trauma behind you.

Remember your husband isn't one of those bullies and He's not one of the arseholes that cheated on you. He loves you so much- it might not seem like it now but He's hurting too. He married you for the amazing person you must be so try and embrace that.

I'm incredibly jealous person and it has taken alot for me recently to put things in my life aside and think "hey you know what forget about that Shit this is my life now its great and i should focus on now and future" and its working.

Sorry if i sound harsh, its just i needed someone to give me a good shake. Your pg hormones will definately make you feel worse though so don't be too hard on yourself.

I hope things look up for you. No doubt in time its taken me to type this i'm a hundred posts behind

hey wurlywoo, I'm sorry I had to go last night, but I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I'm glad someone wsa around for you to talk to. Can you sit down with your DH today and try to explain how you are feeling? I's sure he wants to be supportive, but from my own experience, being the other half in a relationship with someone who is depressed can be very very difficult. My DH surely deserves a medal for what he has had to put up with from me for the last couple of years. but now that I am getting help, things are slowly getting better between us and returning to what it once was. He says he can see shades of the old me surfacing again.

It can be very hard when you are in this cold and lonely place to remember who you really are, but with some help you can get better. Your GP will take your concerns very seriously as no one wants you to feel like harming yourself or your unborn baby.

Meranwhile there is a LIVE SUPPORT THREAD here for sufferers of AND and also some useful information on THIS THREAD for your DH

I'm glad you sound a little brighter this morning.

hugs xx

gigglewitch, your experience sounds very like mine as well.

Please please please see your doctor. I was depressed for most of 2006. It was a horrible experience and I really felt that there were no more options available and no way out of the fog. It was almost an absence of feelings.

It wasn't until I attempted suicide that I got any help. The following is what worked for me:

1. anti-depressents which made my mind work enough to get started on sorting things out. It lifted the fog slightly.

2. sleeping pills which let me sleep enough that my body was not always running on empty - remember sleep deprivation is a known method of torture!

3. couselling which helped me deal with the past and also gave me some methods of coping with things in the future.

It was a long hard journey but I am out the other end and you will be too. Now I have made lots of very positive changes to my life and bizarrely getting that depressed was a good thing as it made me put myself first for once and then make the changes I have. It also means that I have been able to deal with other issues that have come up since in a much more positive way.

Really, with this post I just wanted to tell you that no matter how low you get, you can get your life back and even get a better one. Depression is just a disease and alot of people are affected. Please get help. It won't be easy but it can't be any worse than how you are feeling can it?

Am thinking of you.

Hi wurlywoo, I am also nearly 26 wks pregnant and do suffer from depression. I had a bad phase earlier this pregnancy but I'm not too bad at the moment.

I don't have much to add to the wonderful advice you have already received, but feel free to join us on the Due in January ante-natal thread if you want to chat about anything any time.

hey wurly, sound so focussed this mornin. you are really great for getting the medical help u need, it's so easy to put it off and keep on struggling...well done you.

lots of people in here with similar experiences, it's really going to be a help,hey?

You don't have to feel like it's "confessing" to how you feel when you tell your friends and family - I know what u mean though, it felt like that to me at first, 'owning up' to PND after hiding it for a year, but TBH it just gave people close to me an explanation for what they already had noticed IYSWIM. Once I had started to tell my closest people - and my mum was the most difficult in my mind to be able to tell cos she worries (it's part of the job, isn't it), but after that i really started to notice I was feeling better about it instead of hiding it, and people really do want to help you.

I can't help thinking your DP might be trying to 'shock' you into getting help, although not particularly in a good way. I really think partners get the worst deal and it's really hard to see someone you love suffer and be unable to work out what to do for them... in my DH that came out as a sort of anger - but at the situation and not at me. It's easy to see how out of control he feels too, without perhaps seeing that it's a hundred times worse from where you are.
Can you take that 'talk' time tonight to do a bit of explaining - tell him how well you're doing with the appointments you have arranged and that you see how sad it's making him, and suggest how he can help you to help yourself. make it clear that you're not helpless (cos obviously u are a strong person, we can all see that) and not relying on him to do it for you, just support you and hug you. When my DH asked what he could do for the best, i just said "a hug - every day". Depression gets hold of you and changes your world, doesn't it, but with the people who love you around you YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT!

sorry i've ended up jabbering on -again...
see u (virtually) later.

Hi all,

Well bit of an odd day, I went out with my immediate family i.e. mum, dad sis and bro for my dads helicopter ride we bought him for his 60th.

I told my mum everything and although she wasnt happy with the way my dp has approached this she agrees if I am not changing then I need to get help. It was hard admitting that I need some help to change my outlook on life.

The biggest problem I have is that my dp is not sympathetic anymore, he is soooo angry at me and he has just said now that he is letting out months of wanting to say all this. Not a nice feeling so a hug and reassurance that he will help is something I am not going to get but I need it as where am I going to get the motivation from? I know I need to do this myself though.

Gigglewitch, your DH sounds wonderful his response to you is so envious.

I really wanted to talk to him tonight but he is too tired of talking about it. Now I am sorry but wouldnt anyone be deflated and miserable with that attitude? he says he isnt talking about it now as the ball is in my court.. * great! He may well be trying to shock me into getting help but he doesnt have to be so nasty to me..

Anyway I didnt get the chance to respond to the rest of your kind messages so here goes:

GoodGollyMissMolly - thank you for sharing your exp of being deaf, it has definately contributed to my insecurities from such a young age.. I agree with you that my DP has the worst timing and I do feel that he is being unfair!

Bloodsuckingmissyhols - I am going to face up to this by going docs as soon as I can and I need to tell my midwife too. I will take it from there really.

LentilweaverDaisyboo - thank u so much for your comforting words last night you were so helpful.. dont feel guilty fo going to sleep, you stopped me from falling deeper into my black hole and me feel worth something again. I dont know if my gp will take me seriously but I can only try eh?

Duke - thank you for your kind words, I just wish other people were so understanding, I wish my DP wasnt so angry at me it doesnt take much to give me a hug and say I love you, it hurts that he is being so cold..

Well I am not sure where I go from here TBH I will just take each day as it comes..

I hope I can return all of your kindness..
x

Let him go. You need help, not threats right now and believe me. I know exactly how you are feeling atm.

why NAB3 are you in a similar situation?

I am not sure if I could let him go as I love him so much, as much as I feel angry that he is giving an ultimatum like this when I am 6 mths pg with his child!

Similar in that I have PND and have had AND. My hubby is great though.

Good for you wurly! What you did today took real guts. Reaching out to others for help can be a difficult thing to do when you're depressed. Look at it this way- you're already making progress the day after you decided to get help. Keep up the momentum, have you any close friends you can confide in? How about your brother and sister? When is the next time you'll see the midwife? The more support you can muster the easier this will become for you.

It must be pretty horrible to feel all the hostility from your DP when you're feeling so low and vulnerable. Perhaps you could try and give him some space right now, while he works out his anger? Lean on others people who love and care about you for a bit? Living with someone who has depression can be exhausting (again, I speak from experience), I bet he doesn't really mean half of what he has been saying to you, he's just fed up. I know you think he wont come with you to couples counselling, but have you suggested it? If you ask him about it in the context of getting help for you depression and supporting your relationship whilst that happens he might be more amenable. Certainly, if he's serious about your relationship and your recovery he should be willing to at least try it, right?

Good to hear from you, keep us updated, eh?

diz x

diz - yes today was a breakthrough, depression I have realised has followed me for so long and there are so many issues that i have never dealt with past rejection, hating the way I look being jealous etc.

My sister and my mum knows now as does my best friends but going to docs and making them realise that I do need help with this is going to be another challenge... I am seeing my obstrician on Fiday and not seeing midwife for 2 wks but I know that the more support I can get from people the better.

I already decided that when my dp came in from work today to say my little piece and leave him alone. he slept for 3 hrs so that gave me some time on my own which was good. He is now downstairs watching tv but I sense that the space between us even though we are in the same house is doing some good.

I am trying not to take everything he says to heart but I am hurting. Especially when he said last night that me being like this isnt attractive. I know that he has a female internet friend who is in poland she used to work with him and cant help but feel threatened because when he speaks to her she isnt like me and it is his chance to escape and fantasisw about the grass being greener on the other side.

I undestand that he is fed up but his anger isnt helping me. I feel like I deserve a medal for finally admiting that I am depressed, sometimes when you have a happy period you lose sight of the fact that you are depressed.

will keep u posted defo.

Wurlywoo you'll get motivation from your gorgeous little bubs thats growing inside you. Your dh will come around, He's prob feeling really drained from it all to and is maybe thinking that nothing is going to change. Thats where you'll prove him wrong!

Please don't take this the wrong way, but how long is it since your dh has felt that you really love him?

Given your depression, it may well be that your whole way of being/existing has been to focus on you. The anger that your dh is expressing could be because you haven't been paying him much attention.

The only reason I make this comment is that I am the daughter of a depressive man, who was (at his most depressed) so incredibly self-centred it was very hard not to get irritated with this.

This may be nowhere near your situation - and I'm not trying to have a go at you at all - just trying to see things through your dh's eyes.

I've read the beginning of this thread, not all and it seems so sad and painful for you both but also as though there is hope there.

First thoughts are to get on the waiting list for some talking therapy such as CBT, get some anti depressants and also to see if you can get some relationship counselling separate to all this.

Have not read all of the therad but what the other posters are saying seems to make sense.

You need CBT and anti-depressants asap. there are some that are ok to take whilst expecting. Your immediate personal safety is the most important issue right now.

please go to your GP tomorrow and stress the urgency of the situation.You really nood some support. let the midwife know too no holds barred they may be able to fast track you and get you some immediate help. If you say you are having suicidal thoughts they should be pretty responsive in sorting something out for you.

Much luck and hope to you xx

Becauseimwolfit that the point i was trying to make. My dh felt incredibly pushed out and un loved. To the point that he gets really down and suffered migranes. Now things are much better since I've become normal again and showed him love and affection.

good luck tomorrow, keep us posted.

Thinking of you today.

How are you feeling today Wurly?

Good luck at the doc's, hope all goes well and you get the support you so desperatley need right now.

Thinking of you, keep us all posted.

xx

wurly I hope things went OK at the docs today

(letilweaverdaisyboo here in case you were wondering)

Hi all,

Well things are the same but we did have a reconciliation on Sunday we didnt say much about it and he just said he wants things to change.

Its hurting that he is so unhappy with me and that makes me worse, all my insecuriies and worthlessness I feel for myself have been amplified 10 fold.

The weirdest thing is, he instigated sex on Sunday night and it was the best we have had in a long time. As much as I loved the intimacy I cant help but feel confused. when I tried to ask why he just said stop asking questions and accept it for what it is. Well there's my problem, I cant accept it for what it is as I am wondering why he has suddenly changed in his affection for me.. Am I making too much of it?

I have made an appointment with my GP, there is a waiting list of 3 months to get seen so in the interim I am calling on my employee assistance organisation that I get through work by arranging for 10 free counselling sessions, just so that he doesnt think that my words are meaningless.

BecauseImWereWolfit- in answer to your question he knows how much I love him and I show it to him constantly probably too much. I didnt think you were getting at me, please feel free to say what you think!
I'll admit that my depression is making me self absorbed but my attitude towards him has never changed.

letilweaverdaisyboo - you confused me then, as yes I was wondering who was asking.

I have taken the day off work as I have caught a bug which is giving me time to think, dp is being ok with me but i sense he is preoccupied with something but he never talks about him and what is going through his head so I come up with all sorts of random answers as to why he is being distant.

I cant really do much till I see my gp and midwife but I am determined to do this without AD's I think I need counselling more to talk about the issues that have contributed to my state of mind. I am recognising now what all the triggers are and I need to let go of each one. One at a time. I just hope that I can keep myself out of the muddy waters for a bit I am doing well so far just training my mind now to start focussing on positive things.

Hi Wurlywoo it sounds like you are bit more positive about things today? I think your looking into it too much with the sex. Why question it? If it were me i'd be using it as a fresh start. He obviously is feeling bit better about things as i think you mentioned earlier that he said he doesn't find you as attractive being pg? Or something along those lines? Glad to hear you have some sessions booked. Have you spoken to midwife? What a rubbish doc surgery to have such a long waiting list! I think you can do this without ad's.

Hello Wurly. I suffer from chronic depression also & had to go through both my pgs continuing Prozac - 40mgs/day. Shocking I know but I probably wouldn't be here without it! I don't know if you'd consider taking ADs (it doesn't sound as if you would) but just to let you know that I have & all is well with the dc (now 4 & 7). My ADs are backed up with regular psychotherapy. When do you see your GP?

yes maybe I am reading too much into the sex thing but it confused me especially as the same thing happened last night. I am not complaining mind you.

I think it was the fact that I am so depressed and negative all the time that was making him find me less attractive not neccessarily the pg.

Anyway not seein gp till next week but I am going to try and sort out the free counselling I can get from work

HI Fortune Cookie - thanks for sharing your situation. I want to do thia without AD's as I firmly believe that the root of my depression lies in the experiences I have had in the past that led to me being so insecure and hating myself and I think that if I was to deal with each significant event and let go of them I can move on and learn to love myself and be happy.

Well make the most of it Wurly! The newbie will put stop to it for a bit! And make this a fresh start to your new life.