Snoring - is this a normal reaction?

[bloomety]

We've been together 6 years. Since the beginning he's snored. He tried nasal sprays and strips, anything he could get his hands on in the early days. Nothing worked. I resorted to earplugs. I still occasionally got woken up even through the earplugs.

Anyway he's put weight on and is snoring even more now. I'm getting woken up 4-5 times a night and it's really affecting my sleep. I said to him before he should sleep in the spare room. He went crazy saying why was he being banished from his bed? I was the one with the problem. He agreed rotating who slept in the spare bed would make him feel less outcast. We never got round to doing that.

So the other night it was so bad I slept in the spare room. This morning when I woke up he was in the spare room. I said to him when he got up "thank you for sleeping in the spare room. I had a great nights sleep". He said "ok but that's not why I did it". I asked him to explain and he said "I did it so I didn't get told about how awful you slept again, I'm sick of being in trouble every morning". I was furious. He doesn't give a fuck about my sleep just the fact it affects him because I tell him I didn't sleep well!!

He's adamant that this is how he feels - attacked and I am being unfair expecting him to feel a different way - i.e. to care about my sleep. Who's being unreasonable and how do we resolve this? I want him to lose weight as he didn't snore as bad then but I haven't said this. Lack of sleep is affecting my mental health. I get really emotional if I'm not slept well and feel myself sinking into depression.

If the normal things haven’t helped he needs to see his GP. YANBU at all, he’s being very selfish. Does he throw his toys out the pram about other things?

He has seen his GP who gave him a nasal spray. He tried it a couple of times but said he didn't like it, I can't remember why.

Yes he can't take criticism.

His issue is me being angry at his reason for sleeping in the spare room, he says he's not allowed to tell the truth about why he slept there as I went mad at him.

It’s his issue to solve. Losing weight would cure it straight away.

I wouldn't sleep in the same room with him at all. In fact, he'd not be my boyfriend anymore because he doesn't give a shit about your health and well-being (or his own, for that matter).

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd yes that's what I said. He doesn't give a shit about my health. To which he replied that I don't give a shit about his as he is allergic to my cat. He wanted a cleaner to clean twice a week to keep on top of the cat dander. I said no it would be too much and I'd do it. I've not being doing it. He has to take his inhaler quite often. I admitted to him he was right. I should be keeping my end of the bargain. I'm a sahm and he's working.

His snoring is an equal problem for both of you so he's being unreasonable in not taking your feelings into account, but I imagine it's also hard for him not to feel unhappy about a problem that is not his fault either (you can assume that it is because he has gained weight but you can't be sure - lots of thin people snore too).

As it's both of your problem you both have to solve it in a way which both of you are ok with. Taking it in turns to sleep in the spare room sounds fine to me and you should consider yourselves lucky - lots of snoring victims don't have that option!

@Sharpandshineyteeth

It’s his issue to solve. Losing weight would cure it straight away.

You don't know that at all. It's an issue for both of them to solve - blaming him for it will just make it much, much worse.

@Notthemessiah yes he said that it's horrible getting blamed for something he has no control over

Snorers get defensive because they dont realise how bad it actually is to sleep next to them. He feels like you're making a drama out of it.

Me and my DH sleep in seperate rooms most nights because of his snoring, I can honestly say we are loads happier as a couple now that the sleeplessness and resentment isn't there.

YANBU he needs to get a grip and stop being a selfish arse, if he's not going to lose weight he should have to accept you being angry with him.

My husband sounds like a chainsaw and I've been in tears about it before because I can't sleep through it. Luckily he's always felt awful about it and will do whatever is needed to try and either stop it or make it bearable. It is enough to side health issues and ruin relationships and the resentment is real.

@itchyfinger yes you're probably right. He's no idea what it's like. Well the spare room is my stepsons room and he comes to stay every second weekend so it can't really be a permanent thing. It would be ideal to have separate rooms but I'd worry our intimacy would suffer.

@TitsalinaBumSquash yes that's what I'd expect my hubby to feel like - bad for causing me such an issue. I know I would if I was keeping him awake.

www.amazon.co.uk/Allerpet-Dander-Remover-Allergy-Solution/dp/B000S0L0M4?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
For help keeping the dander down sans expensive cleaner.

But...if your DH is overweight that really is a massive contributing factor. I could barely sleep next to dh for the last few years due to his increasingly loud snoring. And he took it badly when I raised it as a concern - and to be fair he was sleeping, so could do little about it. But he then had a health scare and has lost several stone in weight. Within the first month of dieting he stopped snoring - completely. It's a minor miracle!

You got what you wanted/needed, taking turns to sleep in the spare room.

He can make up whatever face-saving reason he wants. Ignore it, so long as he continues with the taking in turns.

In any conflict situation, you lose when you start getting dragged into arguments about side issues. Keep focussed on your goal (sleep) and if you are achieving that, ignore all the other noise.

@sharpandshineyteeth weight might not make a difference. My dp snores and he is underweight if anything. As do I occasionally and my BMI is 21.

YANBU unreasonable at all. If he's tried everything else then he needs to go to the Dr's. What an absolute arse to have a go at you about it! Trying to sleep next to someone who sounds like they're trying to suck the ceiling in is the worst. My DP snores something terrible (directly attributable to smoking which he has cut down massively since I had a meltdown about my disturbed sleep) and he's a mouth breather so even when he's not snoring he's a noisy sleeper. He's a big guy but by no means overweight. He's absolutely mortified when he disturbs my sleep and I end up on the sofa. Sleeping on the sofa is my choice though, as he has to get up at 5am and has a long drive to work, I don't want to spend the night jabbing him to wake up and turnover plus he has back problems which mean the sofa is not an option for him (DS currently occupying the spare room) and I'm happy on the sofa as it's comfy. BUT I would be absolutely raging if he was shitty with me about it.

He can make up whatever face-saving reason he wants. Ignore it, so long as he continues with the taking in turns.

Yeah, no. He has no right to be angry and aggressive about it at all. Why should OP be made to feel bad when he’s the one ruining her sleep and being a dick about it?

Sorry, it's not good that you have a cat if he's allergic, it triggers his asthma and it's not practical to stay on top of the cleaning.

You both could be more considerate to the other. Maybe if you make the effort first it will encourage him to do the same.

He isn’t being fair at all OP, but as an aside if he’s allergic to cats that might be causing the snoring as he’s so congested, I know it impact me. Totally different issue from whether he is being unreasonable in his behaviour towards you though.

@RyvitaBrevis I know. I got the hoover out tonight and hoovered the whole house and said he was right, I needed to keep on top of it.

@Keepingthingsinteresting yes I think this is a problem too. He does get congested with the cat.

Trying to sleep next to a snorer is incredibly rage-inducing, I’ve had times where I’ve been borderline fantasising about holding a pillow over DH’s face!

Separate rooms has been a godsend!

You need to get rid of the cat. He’s allergic and it’s causing breathing issues which are quite likely contributing. Cleaning won’t cut it.
He is being an arse though.

So me and DH experienced this. After investigation it turns out he has sleep apnea and needs to wear a cpap machine at night. Maybe some further investigation is needed OP. However, I get you frustration. Ironically I now snore a lot now so sometimes sleep in a different room.