Snoring - is this a normal reaction?

[bloomety]

We've been together 6 years. Since the beginning he's snored. He tried nasal sprays and strips, anything he could get his hands on in the early days. Nothing worked. I resorted to earplugs. I still occasionally got woken up even through the earplugs.

Anyway he's put weight on and is snoring even more now. I'm getting woken up 4-5 times a night and it's really affecting my sleep. I said to him before he should sleep in the spare room. He went crazy saying why was he being banished from his bed? I was the one with the problem. He agreed rotating who slept in the spare bed would make him feel less outcast. We never got round to doing that.

So the other night it was so bad I slept in the spare room. This morning when I woke up he was in the spare room. I said to him when he got up "thank you for sleeping in the spare room. I had a great nights sleep". He said "ok but that's not why I did it". I asked him to explain and he said "I did it so I didn't get told about how awful you slept again, I'm sick of being in trouble every morning". I was furious. He doesn't give a fuck about my sleep just the fact it affects him because I tell him I didn't sleep well!!

He's adamant that this is how he feels - attacked and I am being unfair expecting him to feel a different way - i.e. to care about my sleep. Who's being unreasonable and how do we resolve this? I want him to lose weight as he didn't snore as bad then but I haven't said this. Lack of sleep is affecting my mental health. I get really emotional if I'm not slept well and feel myself sinking into depression.

Have you ever recorded him snoring so he can hear it? I have snored since I was small and last few years have had a few friends refuse to share rooms on trips etc. Was a bit sad until I started using a sleep app which records your sleep and snores - it's LOUD. Now I make sure I'm not sharing a room if away with people. He may literally not realise how bad it is for you, though he shouldn't be angry with you either.

Although I completely agree that sleep is essential and he's being very unpleasant and selfish about expecting you to sick up constantly being woken without complaints - the one thing that jumps out from later posts is his allergy to your cat and the fact you say you haven't been keeping up with cleaning as you said you would.

It's highly likely that his cat allergy (especially as you say it's severe enough to require regular inhaler use) and his increasingly bad snoring are linked.

Oh, I'm allergic to cats and it affected me quite badly with chest infections.... It could be an issue, I would look into it. You both have my sympathy actually. It's a difficult situation.

Massive dripfeed with the cat - that will exacerbate his snoring.

Why don't you just sleep separately?

It would be ideal to have separate rooms but I'd worry our intimacy would suffer

There’s no reason why that has to be the case - in fact as you’ve found, having your sleep interrupted on a regular basis is more likely to affect your intimacy!

Have a read of the Gottman Institute - they talk about the four things most likely to cause problems in a relationship and defensiveness is one of them. You need to be able to bring up issues (without being critical, or contemptuous) and he needs to be able to hear that without getting defensive and to try and see it from your side. If you can also try and see it from his side, then you can come to an understanding.

The fact he sees it as being ousted speaks volumes. So address that, and reassure him that it’s a practicality and that it’s not a rejection of him. He may know that in his conscious mind, but subconsciously he’s probably feeling unloved and that he’s not good enough.

Approaching it in a way that doesn’t focus on him fixing his problem but explains that you’re fixing yours by choosing to sleep apart (and by hoovering more, you’re sorting out the cat hair issue too, for him) is taking the responsibility and power back for dealing with your part in this. It could spur him on to try and sort his snoring, or it may be that he just has to accept that this works for you, so he has to put up with the new arrangements.

. It would be ideal to have separate rooms but I'd worry our intimacy would suffer

It doesn't honestly. I wish people wouldn't keep look at seperate room as a bad thing. There's no law that says you have to share a bed. We only started doing it due to poverty, it needs to die out personally.

Tell him to go to a sleep clinic or you'll be sleeping separately permanently. No arguments or deflections onto other issues as he's doing now. Don't get drawn into an argument about it.

Sounds like a classic as sad to hear this original poster.

However I think I may have a guess at the underlying cause and possibly help both of you resolve this noise pollution anti social disturbance!

First video record the snoring. Play it back to snoring person! Next it may be the snoring is (I am no medical expert but have years of first hand experience!) ask the GP doctor to review the video recording and request a referral to a sleep clinic specialist for respiratory obstructive sleep apnea (OSA). Essentially this is very common with adults who are usually overweight and have soft tissue in their upper airways (commonly men with large neck sizes) that essentially blocks the breathing and cause vibration and therefore the resulting snoring sound. Importantly the snorer will probably have been used to sleeping with heavy and loud snoring and despite the sometimes drop of oxygen saturation down from a healthy 100 to 98% down to as low as 80% but not constantly. Basically with obstructive sleep apnea the brain detects the pauses in breathing (sometimes over a minute) and kicks the body to action to restart breathing. Please note I am not a doctor but this is from direct experience and my own necessary research. There is no cure as such but forget all the nasal steroid sprays etc and of course rubbish marketing of snore gum shields or nose clips etc as the only proven clinical method to silent a snorer is to wear a mask with a CPAP machine (continuous positive airway) or basically a reverse vacuum cleaner (relatively portable size) as air is pumped into the masked snorer when they sleep.

Please note again I am not a qualified doctor or respiratory or ENT specialist! So seek expert medical advice. But hope this helps!

My ex fiancé also snored like a chainsaw. I lived in a one bed flat so no chance of the spare room. I used to move to the sofa in the living room but even with all doors closed I could still hear him. And if he woke up in the night he'd come and wake me up to go back to bed!
He refused to get any medical help. After 3 years I ended things as I couldn't take the sleep deprivation

Research Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA) and CPAP machine.

This will be the likely reason for snoring and when the mask and machine is switched on you can sleep next to the silent snorer! Just pretend he (usually men or obese children as common in USA etc) is a top gun fighter pilot as the machine is relatively silent but obviously there is a mask (like a hospital ventilator) and small side table machine pumping air in to keep the airways open and snoring noise cancelled!

It would be ideal to have separate rooms but I'd worry our intimacy would suffer

Oh yes, because you sound so enamoured with each other at the moment.

Why cant you have a shag, then both get a decent night's sleep in separate beds?

To be fair to him.... if he's allergic to your cat and you're not even doing the bare minimum to help mitigate the affect on his breathing then you're a bit of a hypocrite. I don't think it's fair to post on here bemoaning there fact he won't lose weight when you've not been hoovering after your cat! I can see that you have taken that onboard but in reality, it's horrendous not being able to breathe due to allergies and it's far worse than lack of sleep. At least you can move to the spare room to escape the noise but he can't escape your cat!

We've just had a heart to heart and we're going to sleep in separate rooms. Thanks everyone for your advice and for not just saying LTB. I'm well aware that he's putting up with a lot with my cat as well. I've had my cat since before we were together so not an option to just get rid of him. It is my responsibility to mitigate the effect of my cat on him though.

Don't get rid of your cat OP, all these people who say get rid that easily have never been loving pet owners, what a stupid suggestion. How awful would you feel if you had to do that, it would make you feel even more resentful of him!

You need to come up with a plan to rectify this with you both doing your bit to solve the problem. I hope you find something that works. Sleep deprivation is awful

To be fair, the cat could be most of the problem. If our dog has got in our bedroom and on the bed, I snore and wake up with a bunged up nose. Problem is I get up first. DH often invites the dog into the bedroom for a cuddle (it's his dog) after I've gone to work. I can tell because I can't breathe the next night.
I have to hoover and change the duvet cover to ensure I don't snore.

@wobblywinelover literally one person told her to get rid of the cat not "all those people".

I have ear plugs because e DHs snoring. Its that annoying breathing stage, then i ask him to sleep on his side. He turns, i sleep then he’s on his back with his mouth wide open 😡 i swear i will smother him one day.

And he says its my fault that i wake? Twat.

I have a DD off to college next week = spare bed😀

Btw we keep the cat out the bedroom.

I did try recording his snoring before but he wouldn't listen to it he said he was too ashamed.

@Sheknowsaboutme I know exactly what you mean. Then you are just drifting off and they start snoring again and you're so angry you can't get back to sleep. You then wake them up to roll over AGAIN and feel bad for waking them up!!

@hilariousnamehere

Have you ever recorded him snoring so he can hear it? I have snored since I was small and last few years have had a few friends refuse to share rooms on trips etc. Was a bit sad until I started using a sleep app which records your sleep and snores - it's LOUD. Now I make sure I'm not sharing a room if away with people. He may literally not realise how bad it is for you, though he shouldn't be angry with you either.

Which App do you use? Is it easy to set up?

...asking for a friend 🤣

I would record him and tell him that he owes it to you to understand precisely what you are having to put up with night after night. It isn't shaming him to give him proof of just how bad it is, it confirms that you are not being unreasonable and he has to understand that to do anything about it.

Totally sympathise with you. My ex was a horrific snorer. In the end we broke up ( unrelated to snorin, but I wasn’t sad to have a peaceful night!)

He is being selfish, if it’s so bad he needs to go to the doctor and maybe get one of them sleep apnea machines.

I will probably never share a house with a man again due to snoring. It’s scarred me for life.

@bloomety once im awake my mind goes into overdrive. Worry about kids/college/thus that and the other ☹️ Come 6:30 i get up and tired once i walk into the office.

Its miserable isn’t it?

He needs to go back to the GP. It could be adenoids or a deviated septum. Does he have trouble breathing through his nose during the day or often feel his nose is blocked?

One imagines his snoring might be exacerbated by his allergies? You promised to keep on top of it and you admit you haven’t.

@Cam2020

He needs to go back to the GP. It could be adenoids or a deviated septum. Does he have trouble breathing through his nose during the day or often feel his nose is blocked?

Thing is, he's allergic to cats and there's one in the house. I'd put money on him having trouble breathing through his nose much of the time. I think the snoring may be caused by the cat TBH. It's a big problem to expect someone with a cat allergy to live with a cat. If the cat goes in the spare room then clearly OP needs to sleep there and not the OH. I have a severe cat allergy and would never be able to live with a cat btw. Could be fatal tbh. Snoring would be the least of the worries.