Am I in the wrong here..

[year5teacher]

Totally prepared to be told I am.. and if I am then I don’t have to be angry about it!!

DP and I have quite different interests. We have lots in common in terms of who we are and we get on great. This isn’t a big problem but it’s something he KEEPS bringing up and it’s getting to me a bit.

So he often (I would say often) wants to have conversations with me about things only he is interested in. For example, last night we watched an entire Metallica gig on tv. I really don’t like Metallica, and it was annoying because it was the only thing we watched together. During this he also wants me to be talking to him about fucking METALLICA, despite me knowing exactly 0 of their albums because it’s not my thing.

Today I have been cleaning the flat and he’s pestering me to sit down and watch.. the cricket. I don’t like cricket. It’s so boring. I come and sit down and watch it and he talks at me about cricket, which I know nothing about and therefore literally cannot contribute to the conversation other than asking him vague questions.

I also had to do work today so I went and did that and he was annoyed because he thinks I’m “dismissive” of stuff he’s interested in. I personally don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to spend like, over an hour at a time watching something I have no interest in, and also fully engaging in it and listening to him tell me about it.

Am I being totally mad here? I don’t really get it because just chatting about stuff he’s interested in is fine and actually I do that every day. It’s just, I’m sorry but I’m not watching an entire cricket match whilst listening to him tell me about fucking cricket when I DON’T LIKE CRICKET. 😂 for over an hour!!

Also - I’ve asked him to watch plenty of films with me but he won’t because “he doesn’t like them”.

I just feel as though sometimes he doesn’t value my time and doesn’t think anything of getting annoyed at me for not wanting to spend an hour listening to him talk about something I know absolutely nothing about. 😔

@TorkTorkBam

Your user name suggests you are a teacher. You know how to say no, mean no, have a steely glare, and shut silly nonsense down, right? Do that.

I do - and he always twigs it and says I’m doing my teacher look! Haha

@EstuaryBird

DH and I have our own rooms and our own TVs so can watch whatever we want.

I actually love Metallica and Cricket 😊

Can you come and pretend to be me and make conversation with my DP about it?!

Yes I am sweetie, you know why right?

If he pressures you and you lose spine and you are feeling supremely passive aggressive you could be sure to ask lots of obviously daft questions "Which one of them was it who formed Spandau Ballet, was it the drummer?" and "Which one is Ian Botham, is it that fat one lazing about at the edge if the area?"

Sorry I haven't read the whole thing but I can relate ( though I love Metallica so that wouldn't be an issue) as DH loves sports, politics, history etc. And tells me things I didn't even ask about, I'll sit with a book with him happily watching but he won't stop talking!!!

So I started being interested... over interested... asking the most ridiculous questions talking over his whole programme, so football, asking who's in green again, who's winning, why's that one man wearing black uniform, did he forget his kit? Why is that man just standing there? For a while he kept answering then got bored and ignores me- excellent, back to my book 🥰

So if he’s interested in something, he expects you to be. But if you’re interested in something, then he can say that he’s not interested in that ... one rule for him, and one rule for you. You’re not being unreasonable.

I like the advice people often give on here when someone isn't sure about a new boyfriend. See how he reacts when you tell him 'no' about something. Doesn't really matter what that thing is, but it's very revealing.

Your other half is being a dick. He wants you to do something he isn't prepared to do - compromise. A very basic thing he explains to you as if you don't understand it when you're the one actually doing it, not him!

But you are also a responsible and intelligent adult so I can't understand how you've allowed this to keep happening. Now is the time to say no and mean it.

My DP and I are similar. We dont really share any tastes in things so we compromise on some and do other things alone. I'll watch something he wants to watch and vice versa. He loves death metal and I dont get it but I'm happy for him to show me clips or play me the odd song and I listen because he loves it and I talk about my things and he will listen because he knows I love my things. We dont force things on each other though and we indulge our likes alot on own time. Sounds like your DP could spend some more time with friends maybe?

Is there anything new you could find together that both of you like enough to share? Something new maybe?

You arent being dismissive btw you dont have to like his things as much as he does. He is being unfair. Put your foot down on this one. It's too much to expect of partner that they love all the things that you do.

It isn't dismissive to have no interest in something, that's ridiculous and hypocritical since he doesn't do it for your interests (less valid are they 🙄). A partner can't be all things to you and nor should they be, or try to be... he needs to have other people for that side of him, and enjoy your attention, company and companiable sharing with the things you both enjoy. Draw him a Venn diagram of you have to. A previous pp who said don't sit down with him in the first place is right. Clear messages and no blurring, and definitely no apologies for not liking bloody cricket or whatever and then failing to fake interest plausibly enough being dismissive.

@NC4todayx

Golly Gee MaryAnn am I the only one here who is going to suggest that your DH quite possibly has autism or is otherwise on the spectrum? He is displaying classic behaviours of mild autism.

Jesus where to start with this?? So much ignorance displayed in so few words...

If you are autistic then you are on the autistic spectrum - “the spectrum”. You can’t “have autism OR otherwise be on the spectrum”

There is no such thing as mild autism. You are either autistic or not. It is extremely unhelpful to use the term “mild autism”. It is not mild for any of us who are diagnosed.

But the worst part of your post is the fact you think that you can diagnose autism from one characteristic that the (thankfully more educated) OP has mentioned. Back pain is a common of pregnancy, but not everyone who has back pain will be pregnant.

So many people think they can just roll out with an autism diagnosis where they actually haven’t got a fucking clue what autism is and how it is assessed and diagnosed. And as a result so many horrible partners - narcissistic, psychopathic are deemed to be autistic by these clueless posters.

Please please stop this. It is out and out ableism and there are very few other disabled groups who are subjected to so much ignorance and prejudice.

@Scautish calm the fuck down. Have you heard of PDD-NOS or ASPERGERS??? Aspergers is mild autism. using laymen's terms of mild autism which I should have said "high functioning". Pedantic much??

PS. ADHD/ ASD right here luv.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I definitely do fall into the trap of thinking everything has to be a big conversation, not that I want it to, I just assume it’s going to be. I would normally tell him to stop being so unreasonable but I just couldn’t be bothered with the risk of it turning into a big deal today. He is definitely not a big arguer at all, which is good.

Luckily I didn’t need to worry - he’s just come in with a hot chocolate for me and asked what I’m watching and if I’d like him to watch too, (no I’m halfway through an episode!!) so I think he’s realised he was being a bit of a prick I said to him that I don’t mind sharing his stuff but that I don’t really always have much to say about it and that it makes me feel like my time doesn’t matter. I also said it’s made worse by the fact that if I ever do ask him to watch something with me etc he’s reluctant. He says he’s sorry and he understands and he won’t do it anymore - and will make more of an effort with my interests too. I’ve sent him off while I finish my programme though!! So hopefully sorted! Xx

I have a diagnosis of Asperger’s. It is not “mild autism” It is autism but without learning difficulties.

Your ignorance is astounding. I’m embarrassed for you.

(Sorry for the thread hijack OP and I hope your partner improves)

@NC4todayx

[quote NC4todayx]@Scautish calm the fuck down. Have you heard of PDD-NOS or ASPERGERS??? Aspergers is mild autism. using laymen's terms of mild autism which I should have said "high functioning". Pedantic much??[/quote]
Er no it isn't mild anything I did like the shouty wrongness though.

Still wrong.

@Scautish you've only highlighted your own ignorance I'm afraid. If someone says "they are embarrassed for you" it means they've lost the argument and are trying to shame you. Good luck with that. Done hijacking and hissy-fitting yet?

Sorry OP. Wishing you the best.

Dunno, I’ll just be on my iPad if my dh is watching one of his things that I find boring. Equally, he does the same. He’s into one not very popular in the U.K. sport which I’ve become vaguely interested in, but he doesn’t ‘talk at me’ about it. Similarly, I don’t talk at him about my hobby or try to force it on him, he finds it totally uninteresting.

I think he’s being very unfair if he’s persistently doing this, it’s extremely boring for you and demonstrates a total lack of consideration for you. He knows you’re not interested yet off he goes again, boring the ears off you. I find that really concerning.

@NC4todayx

I’m even more embarrassed for you now.

@gamerchick shouty wrongness

@scautish and @gamerchick I'll leave you to argue with the psychiatrists.

Yes yes, run along dear... Off you pop.

That seems like an encouraging outcome OP - fingers crossed that it does improve after all