Pedantic DH

[troublingtimes]

I’m really struggling with talking to my DH at the moment. I need some advice on a) how to handle it and b) if I’m being oversensitive. Whatever we are talking about...the weather, dogs, dinner, boats...it doesn’t matter. He tells me I’m wrong. Not directly like that but it’s become an argumentative style. Belligerent and authority like/teacher/preachy. So I’ll say “the sky looks really dark looks like rain” and he’ll say “no it’s not. That’s just clouds and it won’t rain” it sounds ridiculous but he disagrees with EVERY word that comes out of my mouth. Every single phrase. Anything I say. Why is he doing this? How can I stop this? It’s putting me off chatting to him

Does he have any good points?

Why are you wasting your life with such an utter dickhead?

➡️🗑 with him.

Looks like you are going to be dumped soon dh .
And bloody make it happen.

It sounds like verbal abuse to me.

Take a look at Patricia Evans The verbally abusive relationship.

That kind of constant contradicting you and not respecting your opinion is written about in the book.

We’ve got small kids and been together decades. I’m not sure if it’s always been like this and I’m only just noticing but it’s pretty much consistent. Especially if we are out. I want to be able to verbally respond. I’d like suggestions for clever, non aggressive comebacks please

Have you discussed it with him? Or say at the beginning of the day I’m going to count how many times you disagree with really mundane things..and then give him a look each time. But I’m not sure if this is solvable because he clearly gets something out of it. He sounds exhausting.

'Did you realise you disagree with every single word I say?'. Would be a good start IMO.

Don't wait for a response, get in first.

It looks like rain but as you're the expert what do you think?

That restaurant looks nice, perhaps you could tell me it's star rating and what dishes to avoid.

If I decide to divorce you for being a contrary arse which solicitor would you advise me to use?

@Dollyrocket

Does he have any good points?

Why are you wasting your life with such an utter dickhead?

This 👍🏻

"Of course, you are right"

Then ignore him

And probably LTB

I went out with a guy who did this, it was so bloody annoying! No advice I'm afraid but I feel for you

My husband is the same - but I'm pretty sure he's on the autistic spectrum. Our DD is and it only occurred to me recently they share a lot of traits.. that is one of them.

Mansplaining is the perfect word! I’m going to watch that mike Leigh film thanks for the suggestion and read that book. I’m snapping at the kids because I feel under fire and defensive all the time. If somebody chats to me about things like the rain then I say back “ooh yes. I’ll get my raincoat” I don’t automatically tell them they are wrong. I’m sick of it to be honest. I’m going to count up the number of times he does it and start keeping a tally.

@girlofthenorth how do you handle it.

I’m just not enjoying his company right now because of it. He’s a know it all. Knows facts and in depth figures about every single topic. Every single thing. He knows more than a professor of every single topic going. Engineering, chemistry, history. He really should be running the country.

An ex of mine said this to me one time. It was a real eye opener as I didn't realise I was doing it. For the record it wasnt actually every time, but it was enough for him to be annoyed. I suggest saying what a PP said "are you aware you disagree with everything I say?" I'm certainly not abusive but I am aware how annoying it must have been.

I too have an argumentative, negative twonk of a DH. I do or say something, he contradicts or gets angry and I respond "why is it that everything I say or do is wrong?" he then will normally stomp off so I'm left in peace.

But he is my DH and has a lot of good points, can be very funny, is a great cook and gives lovely big bear hugs. if it wasn't for the pluses I might leave but I do enjoy him overall.

@mineofuselessinformation

'Did you realise you disagree with every single word I say?'. Would be a good start IMO.

He'll disagree with that, too!

I’ve known a couple of people like this - one of them I told them calmly about it (by keeping a tally actually) and they acknowledged they were doing it and made an effort to not (although it was part of their makeup that they just had to be right all the time!) The other person I phased out of being in contact with as they were never going to change.

I tend to use "If you say so" in this scenario. Not like me to be so passive-aggressive, but it makes me feel better.

Do you want to handle it gently because you love him and he is otherwise a great guy, or do you want to go to ultimatum status because you have mentioned it before/he doesnt take criticism/ you dont think you love him much anymore?

Work out your strategy for the long term and then decide how to actually tackle it

[quote troublingtimes]@girlofthenorth how do you handle it.[/quote]
I don't know how I do it! I think it goes over my head a bit . Sometimes me and my other DD just say - ' we are just having a conversation!' It's exhausting!

Sounds like my ex. I felt like he didn't respect me. I once even asked if he ever thought I could ever be right about anything.

He was also always saying don't do this, don't do that, don't say that, don't think like that.

To him I was the little stupid woman that needed protecting 🙄

yeah he had his good points. But a lot of bad points, that being one of them and it was clear he did not have the capacity to change or even hear a bad word said about him. So I ended it.

If you think he has the capacity to change then tell him how you feel. Don't try to be too nicey nicey about it either. You should be able to say exactly how you feel, and if he dismisses it then he is not a loving partner. If he listens and tries to change then that is healthy and you may be able to work through it.

Write down a few examples when they happen so that you remember them properly. Then sweeten the pill by e.g. ordering a takeaway, putting on music, little glass of wine. Then bring up the subject as you have here, e.g.:

I've been wondering lately if anything is wrong, as you often seem to be irritated with things I say. I've actually written down a few examples just to make sure I wasn't imagining it. Are you feeling stressed, or fed up with me? I'm starting to find it hard to make conversation.