Is marriage supposed to make me feel this low?

[MoonlightMile12]

*NC because DH is on here.

I'm married to a lovely man, great dad. Things could be worse, so much worse and I know that. I also know the grass isn't always greener on the other side, I like my grass and want to keep it green. However, I'm losing my mind.

Has anyone else's feelings towards their husband changed dramatically since you had kids?

DS is almost one. We tried SO hard to have him, multiple ivf's. He's the best little human we could've wished for.

I think being on maternity leave then furlough, being at home every single day has made me see things much differently.

DH is so selfish. So, so selfish

Examples:

Finances - wouldn't agree to a joint account, earns a substantial wage in comparison with my maternity pay (prior to being a mum I worked full time with a good wage) left me to still pay the mortgage and council tax leaving me with next to nothing every month. Made me feel so low having to ask for help. (He did help when asked, but if we had joint finances things would be equal)

Bought himself countless items (games, tech thingys, etc) I have holes in my jeans.

He inherited money from his dad for "our family" he paid off his credit card (was a fair few grand) whilst leaving me struggling, never offered to help because I only have a small credit card bill compared to him.

I recently had to take a covid test, thankfully negative. I was SO sick, haven't been like that for a long time. He told me how inconvenient it was that he had to take time off work (he was paid in full) I had no help with the baby and when my test came back negative he treated me as though I wasn't sick, I just needed a hug or basically help. I shouldn't be made to feel guilty for being sick.

We've spoke about how I feel time and time again, he says sorry and gets upset and tells me he loves me and then will do a very out of character grand gesture, but I feel they're done for his benefit not mine, but then I also think I'm
taking it wrong and he had good intentions?

Example:

We don't have sex anymore, probably twice a month if that (more recently not at all) But on the rare occasion we did have sex a few months ago I got pregnant, naturally (needed so much fertility treatment to have DS, DH has male factor fertility issues) this wasnt ideal but gave us some happiness

Unfortunately I miscarried, DH booked a hotel for a week later to "make me feel special" he asked me to buy nice underwear (he's NEVER done this) I was still bleeding from miscarriage and to be frank, i felt like absolute shite.

He then booked an expensive meal last week (he knew I had no means to contribute) and commented "I've just spent £70 on a meal, am I getting lucky tonight?" Again even that language is out of character.

I've told him I want to split up, I don't know how to make it better. He flat out told me "I can't change because I do stupid things and I'll always do stupid things"

Is marriage supposed to be like this? I'm 27 and I feel so worthless and like my life is just over. I'm starting university, I'm going to be a nurse so I have a future. I just feel like this isn't the relationship I imagined I'd have.

I don't expect to be wined and dined constantly but the man has watched me struggle whilst spending hundreds on retro gaming stuff while I can't even afford clothes. Everything about me comes last to him, I cant do it anymore.

I've had a hard few months (like we all have) I just can't do this I feel so depressed, every day I feel like just leaving and never coming back.

I don't know why I'm posting. I need to vent or something or just need help I don't know.

It does sound like he might be trying to sabotage you going to uni if he has just walked out of a job with no discussion a few days before you start. Was he supportive of you doing the course and the financial aspect of it?

OP, there is more to life than what you are going through right now. It will not get better. Just get out, if people do not appreciate your presence, give them a present of your absence.

I don't understand men who wants women to ask them for money. When my children were young, I gave them what they needed without them having to ask. When My ex was a stay at home day, he had the full use of all my bank accounts. When I had Au-Pairs, I have them access to a bank account for them to buy what was needed for the children.

Stop wasting your life with a man who want you to beg him for money that he should give to you without asking.

Abusers and bullies are often "lovely" at times. And to outsiders. Look up "cycle of abuse". Bad, sorry, flowers,,good,awful,,flowers,good,awful..it s no way to live never knowing which you will get.

Solicitor.
Divorce.

Delete the lovely and great bit from your op or at least put "sometimes" before it.

He said he was stupid and can't change...? Er...how conveniently difficult for him. I would suggest to him that he enters a therapeutic relationship as your marriage is no longer going to be a codependent crutch for him. You have your ducks in order. You can do this. Leave.

How are you supposed to pay the loan back?

He’s a cunt, love. He’s not a lovely man or a great dad.

I’m sorry. I would leave.

this will big bloomin bells on 🌺

I can't believe a partner would be so selfish. He sounds awful OP, not a real partner at all.
Having a child can really bring out underlying issues in a relationship, or show the cracks. It puts so much stress on the parents and the relationship, financial issues appear that can highlight inequalities and really require a joint approach - and if one party doesn't view it as a joint project, as a family endeavor, it soon becomes apparent. I'm so sorry this has happened OP, but your DH doesn't seem to feel any sense of partnership or family.

Reading that, your husband is not nice, or lovely, or a great dad, or kind, or thoughtful, or loving. He's a crap husband and a crap dad.

Value yourself more highly than he does because you are worth that.

He does not sound like a lovely partner or a family man.

Financially you would be better off separated. You would have some support from benefits and he would have to pay you child maintenance. I am surprised you have allowed this to go on for so long.

I've just spoke to him, reiterated how I feel. Probably went abit deeper than I intended, he broke down. Apologised profusely, I told him I can't go any further and it's all too late.

He's said he's ashamed of himself, he wishes he would've done things differently. He will stay elsewhere tonight and make arrangements.

My mum is going to mind our DS while we make plans on how to go forward in separating.

What an absolute pig of a man 😠

You and your DS will be better off without him. As a previous poster has said, his latest stunt with his job will be to coerce you into staying and giving up university so he can keep you where he wants you: at home and dependent on him for money. Any man that leaves the mother of his child without means to clothe themselves is not a great or lovely father. They are a selfish knob.

Sit down and work out the finances and how much extra you’ll need beyond your loan. Take a look at Turn2Us which will show you all the benefits you’ll be able to claim and approach your uni about your change in circumstances as quite often they can provide extra help. Also as your circumstances have changed you will be able to apply for a larger student loan next year. I’m the same age as you and left a similar shit bag of a man four years ago and let me tell you the grass is definitely greener

Oh OP - I wish i could give you a big hug and have a long chat over a cup of tea.

OP you are young - so, so young. You have a bright future ahead of you, with your Uni course, lovely baby and supportive mom. You can fly as high and as far as you want - but not with this awful man dragging you down. A PP referred to him as 'a millstone of a man' and it's absolutely right!

You describe very eloquently how selfish he is, how he's watched you struggle and made no attempt to help you. His "I can't change..." comment is him telling you exactly how it is - he doesn't even want to try to change, if you stay in this relationship you will just get more and more of the same and feel worse and worse.

This is the voice of experience right here - I've been married for 12 years to a man who is very financially generous and who genuinely has tried his best for me and our DD. But he is emotionally closed down and unavailable to me (not with DD), our sex life has been non-existent for years and we've drifted apart as he seems unable to communicate or explore his feelings. He also lacks empathy and isn't emotionally supportive and can't cope if I'm ill - so he's clearly not right for me and can't give me what I want and need in a relationship.

I told him it was either counselling or the end of the marriage, his choice. He did the whole "This is who I am, I can't talk about my feelings, I can't change" thing, so he's moving out soon. I refuse to waste any more time or energy on an emotionally impotent man who won't explore his problems.

Marriage has it's ups and downs - times when you might feel further apart and then you come back closer together - but it should NOT feel like yours does.

You and DH should be a team - building your life together, raising your DS, supporting each other financially and emotionally. But you are not a team, however much you'd like to be, because your DH is a selfish arsehole - he has his money, his life, his feelings etc. It sounds like your needs don't matter to him at all.

To use the 'greener grass' analogy.......it doesn't matter what you do to your grass, how hard you work to take care of it, you can't make it green and lush if your husband just keeps pissing all over it.

You say you feel worthless now. Imagine how much worse you'll feel after another 5 years of this, or 10 years, or 20. You can't fix this by yourself. He has treated you very badly and doesn't want to change. You're not responsible for his emotional and personality problems. You can't fix him and make him be the man you want him to be. You can't fix him and make him love you in the way you deserve to be loved.

All you can do is save yourself and your son. Pack some things, take your baby and head straight to your mom. If she knows what he is like and how you feel she should be delighted to see you've been brave enough to leave.

It might hurt like hell for a while but you will survive, come out stronger for it and be very happy again. Honestly OP you are so young, there is a whole world of opportunity out there for you.

This is what it is to be abused not married, that's why you feel broken. I hope you get away from him before he destroys you and your child.

He's not lovely. He's not a great dad. He is extremely abusive - for you to think this is a good deal you must have been through hell in the past.

Oh, and the tears mean nothing. Abusers regularly do that when women try to leave - it's just an attempt to manipulate you into staying.

Oh my goodness - it took me so long to type out my loooong post that things have moved on in the meantime!

Well done OP, bloody well done. I don't even know you but I'm proud of you. Here's to bigger and better things

So sorry you miscarried

This man is financially abusive, and he’s told you he won’t change so clearly doesn’t see an issue with his disgusting behaviour. My DH earns double what I do and I have equal access to all money (joint account) and our joint savings are in an account only I have access too! (I manage our money) he never questions my spending and wouldn’t dream of trying to withhold money from me. Men who let the women they’re supposed to love struggle and suffer whilst they have plenty of money are seriously low and do not love their partners. Walking out of his job in a paddy and putting you in a tricky position just amplifies it even more. He is not a good man.

I hope he doesn’t make separation hard for you. With maintenance you may well be better off.

Sounds a lot like my EXH. He didn't do anything around the house either, and left me doing everything there and everything regarding the care of DD, except on the 2 days a week he looked after her. We were both working full time but it all fell to me and despite numerous 'conversations' which descended into arguments it never changed.

He had substantially more free money than me but as he managed the joint account portrayed us to be broke and had me buying DD clothes out of my overdraft with £50 a month free money to myself. When I started looking into it as we were breaking up, turned out he had about £700 to himself every month which he was spending on booze, tech and his hobbies.

He also emotionally manipulated me big time regarding sex, would get very upset if I didn't want to have sex and all our problems would be due to us not having enough sex and nothing to do with his behaviour of course! Ultimately he felt sex with me as his wife was some kind of entitlement and something I was withholding from him. And he vented these resentments in many ways which I realised eventually were quite emotionally abusive.

He was also horrible to me when I was ill, it was an inconvenience to him and he had no shred of concern or empathy. He was also unable to provide any emotional support and anything difficult or stressful in my life was also very inconvenient to him and he would react with indifference or anger.

I used to think the same, he's not that bad, it could be so much worse. But I used to cry that THIS was my husband, someone who seemed to have such a lack of respect for me, someone who acted in ways that made me feel they actively disliked me. Because to me, when I like, love, respect someone, I don't want to see them struggle.

Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I've come to realise so much more about what was wrong since the relationship ended, and can see I could never have been happy with him. Sadly now I have to co-parent with him which isn't exactly a walk in the park either, but I am still markedly happier out then in.

27 what a wonderful age, what wouldn't I give...
Don't let him clip your wings ...fly away 🦋

No, marriage should enhance your life x

Of course he knows how to change. He doesn't want to.
Think about that, HE DOESN'T WANT TO.
As a pp said, he is a cunt.

@MoonlightMile12 why is your DH on here? Surely if he is active he would have realised what a twat he is long before now?

I'm generally very supportive of trying to work things out in a marriage, and not prone to say LTB, so I just want to say:

This man needs a kicking. Get rid, OP, and never look back.

You need to be with someone who will make you happy. Who you can be a team with and who will share your burdens and help you parent DC. What kind of man watches their partner struggle financially to feed and clothe themselves and their DC while they have plenty of money to spend?

Don't let him bully you into 50/50 split of assets. Especially if you've been paying the mortgage and he's given up his job so he won't have to pay child benefit, you need the majority of the equity in the house for your and your DC. I'd talk to a lawyer.

What an absolute pig of a man.

A vile, financially abusive pig.

Christ OP, get away.

You are so young.

Get away from this nasty piece of work.

You poor woman.

[quote fatgirlslimmer]@MoonlightMile12 why is your DH on here? Surely if he is active he would have realised what a twat he is long before now?[/quote]
Good point, what is he on here for... researching ways to keep women under control?