He's just not that into you...

[OpenFire]

I'm single so I'm not seeking 'advice' on this as such. It's partly inspired by other threads I've read on here over the years and partly inspired by a previous relationship I've had. I'm just seeking insights and understanding so that I respond better if it happens again. I was upset and confused by it at the time but now I'm just curious.

A couple of years ago, I was in a relationship that lasted just short of a year.

I didn't get any real sense that he was attracted to me or that he found me attractive beyond the initial attraction that got us together. I don't think he fancied me at all, tbh. We rarely had sex and rarely did anything sexual. I could go and stay with him for the whole weekend and leave with nothing having happened at all and, when it did, I was the one who initiated it. When we did, it was good. He was attentive and considerate but I've wondered since if that was about him being a good lover rather than about me specifically. He wasn't affectionate - never kissed me spontaneously; rarely showed me any affection other than putting his hand on my knee or stroking my hair whilst watching a film to the point where I felt surprise when he did. He rarely complimented me or did/said anything to make me feel sexy/desirable so the occasions I initiated sex were because I had an itch to scratch, so to speak. He didn't seem to benefit from the relationship in any way.

He didnt ever criticise me, as such, but would make little 'jokes' about how I hadn't done the washing up properly or I'd let the tea bags pile up before emptying the dish - all of which were valid at the time and were so infrequent that, had they been balanced with nice stuff, I wouldnt even have noticed. He wasn't seeking to 'bring me down'.

We went out one evening and he was talking to one of the barmaids as she was clarifying the drinks order for a group we were with and I'd previously changed my mind about my drink so went over to clarify. She was fine but he turned to me, smiled and said, "ooh, go away!" in a 'jokey' tone. I don't think he was 'interested' in her, she wasn't his type (any more than I was!) She brought the group's drinks over to me when she brought them out and made an effort to introduce herself and make chit chat which, I understood was her communicating her acknowledgement of me and a discomfort at the way he'd spoken to me. Under normal circumstances, I'd have said, "ok" and just left after his "ooh go away" comment but it was a work event for him, he was excited and a bit anxious about it and I'm not a dick so I didn't.

Practically, he was great. My car was off the road for a few weeks and he did all the running around and picked me up etc, even when I knew it wasnt hugely convenient for him, without complaint; he cooked most of the meals and seemed to care about the impression of himself he was creating to me generally - eg in many respects he 'made an effort' just not with me. We were late leaving for something important once and I could tell he was stressed by it but didn't once chivvy me along or shown he was irritated although it was my fault (unintentionally) that we were late. He did most of the cooking and all domestic chores as we spent a lot of time at his house rather than mine (we didn't live together but he didn't expect me to do anything in his house although I pulled my weight when I was there - mostly...) and I got an acknowledgement on a personal work project he'd completed for my support. It wasn't necessary and I hadn't expected it. He didn't even show me, I saw when I picked it up to have a look at it.

So really, the whole relationship didn't seem to benefit him at all or make any sense - it's not even like he had 'sex on tap' because he didn't seek it although I know that wasn't because he was disinterested in sex generally. He just didn't fancy me. But he was also incredibly respectful of my boundaries and always checked i was comfortablenwith what we were doing when we did. So not inconsiderate as such, like I say, he just didn't fancy me.

I know why I stuck around for so long, but I dont really understand why he did when there was so little in it for him.

I've read other threads on here where someone is with someone who isnt that into them but why? Why do people do it?

Sorry that was so long!

Maybe he liked your company but is a bit asexual? Or just isn't that into sex? Unusual I agree but I have met a man who wasn't that into sex which I found really odd because hadn't happened before

I mean, I think he WAS into you. He made an effort to see you, to impress you, to spend time with you, to be kind to you — he probably enjoyed hanging out with you.

Relationships are so much more than sex. Perhaps he liked your personality so wanted to give it a go, and then as you got to know each other better it became clear that it just would never work. It’s very normal; don’t be hard on yourself.

See, I'm not even sure he liked my company all that much!

He definitely wasn't asexual. Definitely. Neither did he lack confidence around sex or have any issues re ED or anything. He was mid 50s and very, er, responsive!

It doesn't sound like you were emotionally connected either. It all sounds very 'distant'.

Would you mind saying how/why the relationship ended?

I've read other threads on here where someone is with someone who isnt that into them but why? Why do people do it?

...because it'll do until something or somebody better comes along and it's undemanding and easy on the emotions. I wouldn't over think though. As Cole Porter observed, "it was just one of those things".

Relationships are so much more than sex. Perhaps he liked your personality so wanted to give it a go, and then as you got to know each other better it became clear that it just would never work. It’s very normal; don’t be hard on yourself.

I know.

I'm not 'needy', it's not that I wanted constant compliments or validation, just that it seemed strange to me that he never felt the impulse to say something nice. He didn't accept compliments from me easily either. They appeared to make him a bit uncomfortable.

But he was very easy around other people and quite tactile with his friends and strangers but cold and closed off with me.

I ended it and he was upset by it. I just dont understand why he stayed in it for so long when he clearly didn't want to!

I think maybe he wanted a girlfriend so the world could see him as a normal successful guy with a successful relationship. He was going through the motions to uphold an image to the world. Sounds like he out in quite a bit of effort on how he appeared to the world.

Would you mind saying how/why the relationship ended?

I ended it because it was starting to make me feel bad about myself. He was surprised and upset. He asked me to reconsider.

because it'll do until something or somebody better comes along and it's undemanding and easy on the emotions

But he was an attractive man and not short of female attention. But i had no concerns he was cheating me or anything. I had free access to his phone and laptop whenever I liked and I met all of his friends. We did lots of stuff as a couple. He was a bit socially awkward so didn't socialise a huge amount.

It doesn't sound like you were emotionally connected either. It all sounds very 'distant'.

It was. But because he very much kept me at arms length emotionally.

I just don't understand why he pursued it.

I think maybe he wanted a girlfriend so the world could see him as a normal successful guy with a successful relationship. He was going through the motions to uphold an image to the world. Sounds like he out in quite a bit of effort on how he appeared to the world.

That makes sense actually.

It might of had nothing to do with you, that could of just been the way he rolled. Some men are just not demonstrative on a daily basis with their affections. With some, it would not occur to them to give out hugs or kisses, just because.
I've kind of had a similar experience, though he did initiate things, it seemed more like he was more just up for sex, rather than attraction to me making him up for it. I think it's men and that never give out verbal compliments, if you go to some effort to look nice and it goes unnoticed all the time, it can all feel a bit meh after a while.

Some people just like to be in a relationship. They go along with it for something to do without questioning it much. Maybe he was asexual/not particularly interested in sex so it was more friendship.

I have been in a long-term relationship where I wasn’t attracted to him at all but he was nice company and we had shared interests.

I have no idea then. Perhaps he was into you but it was just , "the way he rolled".

I think maybe he wanted a girlfriend so the world could see him as a normal successful guy with a successful relationship. He was going through the motions to uphold an image to the world. Sounds like he out in quite a bit of effort on how he appeared to the world.

I think this had possibly occured to me at the time tbh, looking back. But I couldn't understand what kudos there would be in having a girlfriend who he didnt think was attractive.

Like I say, he was an attractive man and I'm not exactly a 'trophy girlfriend'. If he didn't find me attractive, surely, he would have felt a bit embarrassed about being seen with me?

I have been in a long-term relationship where I wasn’t attracted to him at all but he was nice company and we had shared interests.

Was there no affection or sex? Why did you stay with him rather than find someone more compatible? I wouldnt even say we had many shared interests. We had a few but not many.

I suppose I think if we'd had loads of shared interests or if the sex was great and plentiful, or if he fancied me and thought I was attractive or if we laughed until the small hours or if... then it would make more sense. I could see that he'd have got something out of it. But it seemed to lack everything! It not because there wasnt the potential for any of those things. He just didnt feel it/seek it with me.

He's definitely not asexual or disinterested in sex. Which is how I know he didn't fancy me.

I am a bit like your ex. I am happy with distance and I am not that affectionate and demonstrative by nature. I like my own independence. I have to remember to try and act affectionate, and if I don't remember, I come across as quite a cold snooty bitch.

I was once dumped by a guy who I actually liked quite a lot, but he told me he didn;t feel I was interested in him and was playing games and acting hot and cold. To me it was not the case at all. He gave me a second chance initially, but then he said that I wasn't that into him and it was eroding his confidence and making him feel needy. I let him go.

Don't overthink it, people are different and both sides should be happy in a relationship. No point forcing it. He wasn't the right person for you.

Because guys need company. They are incapable, proven time and time over, of being on their own. They will take anything to just fill the time between "true" love interests.

AnaViaSalamanca

Thanks for the insight.

I'm actually ok with lower amounts of affection etc. I don't seek lots of communication (can't think of anything worse than having to text every day, several times a day) but if I'd known now he felt or what he thought of me or there had been anything positive to it at all, it would have made more sense.

I just can't see what he got out of it!

Because guys need company. They are incapable, proven time and time over, of being on their own. They will take anything to just fill the time between "true" love interests

Again, I'd ordinarily agree with you but it just didn't seem to fit here. He was quite happy with his own company and found it quite hard to adjust initially to there being someone else around.

He'd been single for a couple of years and had carved out quite a nice and busy independent life for himself.

It just seems like it was a lot of effort for him with very little reward.

You see it in guys who's wives have just died, for example. Time and time again they find a "new wife" within an extremely short time frame. They literally cannot cope with being on their own. I once overheard two youngish guys in the playground a few years ago - they'd bought their kids to play. They were talking about ex gfs etc (both were single). "It's not like I miss HER - I just miss someone there who's cooked me a meal in the evening, you know?" "Yeah mate, I get ya - it's having someone at home isn't it?". They didn't actually.miss their exes, they missed what they offered. It's only two guys, but time and again you see it repeated over and over- these guys just want that service that's there to help stimulate their egos of being wanted and needed.

Seems a little bit like a friend/ex/it’s complicated of mine, who has recently diagnosed himself with autism. I found it so confusing, he was very similar, always so considerate when together and did things for me and we had fun, but I learned over the years that he’d sort of learned what to do, like it was a bit of a script. I found the sex less and less satisfying because of that, he absolutely knew what he was doing and seemed confident, and sounds more sexual than this guy perhaps, but that intimacy and connection just wasn’t there, and I couldn’t handle that. He wanted to close himself off completely after sex he’d really enjoy it but find it completely overwhelming and that was an enormous head fuck as I need reassurance (not quite the right word but I’m insecure) and connection afterward.
We were never really a couple because he just wanted everything his own way and wanted to control things (not in an abusive way just in this anxious “autistic” way) so there was no room to compromise and he didn’t want to develop intimacy because he didn’t like it.

Not sure any of that helps, but they just sounded a bit similar in that “they seem great but wtf is missing” way.

Before anyone says any thing I’ve put autistic in quotes because he wasn’t diagnosed and it’s his own description, and in terms of something “being missing” I simply mean in the connection, not that there’s anything wrong with being autistic. I tried really hard to find ways forward for our relationship but it was impossible with my attachment issues and generally normal intimacy and connection needs from a potential partner.

He'd been single for a couple of years and had carved out quite a nice and busy independent life for himself

He's one of those coward type men then that falls into something and finds he just cannot bring himself to say no, for whatever reason. They just go along with it. It's nothing "wrong" with you as a person. It's just the way some men are, in my experience.

In my opinion you were intended to be a "beard" of some sort, but he wanted to appear to be mainstream, and intended to use you towards that end. Already that makes him an exploiter. He was unpleasant to you because he took his own frustration at his life out on you. I believe the nonsense with the waitress was all for show.

You dodged a bullet.

Before anyone says any thing I’ve put autistic in quotes because he wasn’t diagnosed and it’s his own description, and in terms of something “being missing” I simply mean in the connection

Was going to say, some people on here get extreme defensive when any one even so much as suggests "autisim". I'm autistic, these guys are usually just guys being their usually wanker selves. It's not autism. Just manism.

@OpenFire see a lot of times we seek relationships because everyone is coupled up, and the society tells us we are incomplete because we are single, so we seek relationships even though we are solo minded, but we never fully and quickly open up. True for both men and women, but men more so.

The only tip I have for you is that if you see a man who is in his late 40s and beyond, good looking and great job and hasn't been married or been in a live in relationship, he is NOT a catch. He could very well be a solo minded person, happy to do his thing and keep a girlfriend, but at a distance.