He's just not that into you...

[OpenFire]

I'm single so I'm not seeking 'advice' on this as such. It's partly inspired by other threads I've read on here over the years and partly inspired by a previous relationship I've had. I'm just seeking insights and understanding so that I respond better if it happens again. I was upset and confused by it at the time but now I'm just curious.

A couple of years ago, I was in a relationship that lasted just short of a year.

I didn't get any real sense that he was attracted to me or that he found me attractive beyond the initial attraction that got us together. I don't think he fancied me at all, tbh. We rarely had sex and rarely did anything sexual. I could go and stay with him for the whole weekend and leave with nothing having happened at all and, when it did, I was the one who initiated it. When we did, it was good. He was attentive and considerate but I've wondered since if that was about him being a good lover rather than about me specifically. He wasn't affectionate - never kissed me spontaneously; rarely showed me any affection other than putting his hand on my knee or stroking my hair whilst watching a film to the point where I felt surprise when he did. He rarely complimented me or did/said anything to make me feel sexy/desirable so the occasions I initiated sex were because I had an itch to scratch, so to speak. He didn't seem to benefit from the relationship in any way.

He didnt ever criticise me, as such, but would make little 'jokes' about how I hadn't done the washing up properly or I'd let the tea bags pile up before emptying the dish - all of which were valid at the time and were so infrequent that, had they been balanced with nice stuff, I wouldnt even have noticed. He wasn't seeking to 'bring me down'.

We went out one evening and he was talking to one of the barmaids as she was clarifying the drinks order for a group we were with and I'd previously changed my mind about my drink so went over to clarify. She was fine but he turned to me, smiled and said, "ooh, go away!" in a 'jokey' tone. I don't think he was 'interested' in her, she wasn't his type (any more than I was!) She brought the group's drinks over to me when she brought them out and made an effort to introduce herself and make chit chat which, I understood was her communicating her acknowledgement of me and a discomfort at the way he'd spoken to me. Under normal circumstances, I'd have said, "ok" and just left after his "ooh go away" comment but it was a work event for him, he was excited and a bit anxious about it and I'm not a dick so I didn't.

Practically, he was great. My car was off the road for a few weeks and he did all the running around and picked me up etc, even when I knew it wasnt hugely convenient for him, without complaint; he cooked most of the meals and seemed to care about the impression of himself he was creating to me generally - eg in many respects he 'made an effort' just not with me. We were late leaving for something important once and I could tell he was stressed by it but didn't once chivvy me along or shown he was irritated although it was my fault (unintentionally) that we were late. He did most of the cooking and all domestic chores as we spent a lot of time at his house rather than mine (we didn't live together but he didn't expect me to do anything in his house although I pulled my weight when I was there - mostly...) and I got an acknowledgement on a personal work project he'd completed for my support. It wasn't necessary and I hadn't expected it. He didn't even show me, I saw when I picked it up to have a look at it.

So really, the whole relationship didn't seem to benefit him at all or make any sense - it's not even like he had 'sex on tap' because he didn't seek it although I know that wasn't because he was disinterested in sex generally. He just didn't fancy me. But he was also incredibly respectful of my boundaries and always checked i was comfortablenwith what we were doing when we did. So not inconsiderate as such, like I say, he just didn't fancy me.

I know why I stuck around for so long, but I dont really understand why he did when there was so little in it for him.

I've read other threads on here where someone is with someone who isnt that into them but why? Why do people do it?

Sorry that was so long!

It does sound like he was into you but maybe he just has a lower sex drive then you? What did he say when you discussed it with him? Maybe there was some issue there for him that he felt embarrassed about.

Also some people aren’t comfortable with showing their emotions and can be closed off. It’s a shame he didn’t feel he could open up to you but that’s his issue and try not to take it personally.

I hope you meet someone else who is everything you are looking for

I actually don’t understand the “ooh, go away” thing.

Anyway, I know you’re over it and you just don’t want the same thing to happen again but I’m all honestly it doesn’t read like you were that into him either?

So I think if you just raise your standards a bit you’ll be grand? If you want more affection or more sex don’t settle for someone who doesn’t match those needs!

We all have criteria for who we want to spend our time with. There’s nothing wrong with that!

Also don't fall for "he had been single for a couple of years". A lot of guys lie about how long they have been single, it could have been a decade, but they feel like if they tell you that you would run. A friend of mine always tells women he dates he had been single for 8 months and I have known him for ten years!

I actually don’t understand the “ooh, go away” thing

It sounds like a hammy attempt to appear interested in the waitress...by a person not actually interested in the waitress.

Thanks for this.

YouJustDoYou

That makes sense. I suspected that might have been some of it but he made so much oracticalnefort. He was definitely the one doing thebluons share of the work in that respect. But yes, maybe he just enjoyed the going out as a couple, sharing a bath together, type things; the aspects of a relationship.

powkin

Its interesting you say that. I'm autistic (diagnosed) which is one of the reasons I stuck around for so long. And I did wonder about him sometimes. He definitely had traits.

I sometimes wondered if I was looking for the standard markers of a relationship that I would recognise as attraction.

He's one of those coward type men then that falls into something and finds he just cannot bring himself to say no, for whatever reason. They just go along with it

Maybe. He didn't like to let people down. I know that.

I believe the nonsense with the waitress was all for show.

How do you mean?

AnaViaSalamanca

Thanks. He had had previous girlfriends, including living with a partner. A lot of women were interested in him and he could probably have had his pick if he'd tried.

He could very well be a solo minded person, happy to do his thing and keep a girlfriend, but at a distance.

That would make sense too. Thanks.

It does sound like he was into you but maybe he just has a lower sex drive then you? What did he say when you discussed it with him? Maybe there was some issue there for him that he felt embarrassed about.

No, this definitely wasn't it. He was sexually quite adventurous and confident. He just wasn't interested in me.

AnaViaSalamanca

I met him through friends. I know his relationship history is true.

It sounds like a hammy attempt to appear interested in the waitress...by a person not actually interested in the waitress.

Why would someone want to do that though?

@OpenFire I once questioned why he didn’t go and find someone else that was less complicated than me and his response was just “I don’t want to have sex with a stranger” which was a real confidence boost of course. I believe what he meant was that he felt comfortable and trusted me but I might be deluding myself. I think for some men just what you know and are comfortable with right in front of them, and even if they could have a more fulfilling relationship elsewhere that is hard work and comfort and familiarity is more important than risking newness

Why would someone want to do that though?

To make you think his disinterest was due to you, rather than due to him not actually being interested in women.

To make you think his disinterest was due to you, rather than due to him not actually being interested in women

Oh. I see. That would go against everything I know and knew of him though. But not impossible.

He was very vocal about finding women attractive.

He was very vocal about finding women attractive.

All talk no walk. I think this answers the question and you should feel confident that this wasn't you at all, it was innately him. As I said, you dodged a bullet.

All talk no walk. I think this answers the question and you should feel confident that this wasn't youat all, it was innately him.

Thanks. Your suggestion doesn't quite sit 100% with me but it's an explanation at least and might explain why he wasn't keen to end it and pursue one of the more attractive women who was interested in him.

I do know that he didn't have any feelings for me which made the whole thing very confusing to me. Why would you be with someone when it was so obvious you werent attracted to them and made no effort to hide it or appear otherwise. Your explanation makes sense in that respect.

In such a short relationship, it wouldnt make sense to avoid the newness of meeting someone else. He had plenty of opportunities but, having thought about it, he'd previously had plenty of casual sexual encounters and short term flings with far more desirable women with me which is why people's suggestions of him being asexual didn't explain it.

I'd just wondered why he would have been with someone he clearly didnt fancy or find attractive or desire in any way when there were so many opportunities for him to have had a more fulfilling relationship with a woman he was attracted to. He didn't even need to have bothered with me in the first place.

@YouJustDoYou Yeah hence the quotes, I wasn’t sure if it was his attempt to excuse his shitty behaviour, especially when he said he had pathological demand avoidance. He was mainly extremely poor at choosing women that worked for the life he wanted and that met his needs but would play the Perfect partner role (doing everything they want and repressing any needs), but also like the novelty of a new partner for a while. He also had zero ability to express what his needs were, so this meant he ended up unhappy and making someone else even more unhappy in the process. He seemed much more avoidant than autistic most of the time, but I think his anxiety in a huge number of situations just wasn’t expressed too, so I think it was a bit of both. Avoidant men tend to attract anxious women and it is a mix made in hell. He needed someone who had loads going on and wanted to hang out a few times a week and never live together. I’m sure that person exists and they meet each other one day, but it sure as hell wasn’t me.