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Original poster

Different religious beliefs. Who has the last say?

50 replies

orangepinkorange · 06/09/2020 09:44

Apparently its him because he's the man and the breadwinner.

We have a primary aged child. He has been religious on and off since I met him 10 years ago. He only just decide in the last 6 months to "follow" his religion but really he cherry picks.

He won't let DD do certain, innocent things that most children do because of his religious views. Yet he might do something similar even when she's around.

He's a hypocrite. Makes everything about his religion, but I think it's more of a control thing. I don't push anything on to DD. I just let her be a child.

I would leave but now is not the right time because we will be homeless. I feel he's damaging DD. There are things she can't eat or do, but I allow her to when he's not around because I believe I have a say too as her parent.

Sorry if this all seems a bit illegible, I'm really pissed off. I just know he will abandon his religion in 6 months time as he always does.

OP posts:
OhMyDarling · 06/09/2020 09:46

Leave. Find a way. He sounds vile to be around. I can’t stand religion or shit men. Just get out.

She’s only this age once, don’t let him spoil it.

Itsrainingnotmen · 06/09/2020 09:49

Imo do what you think is best for dd in your care . When you split he can carry on with his farce and you can allow dd it be herself.
My dc were raised vegetarian as agreed by exh.
When we split he gave them meat. As court didn't dispute he could feed them his choice when he had them. They knew no meat at my house. You can also do your own thing op.

Original poster
orangepinkorange · 06/09/2020 09:49

I know people who follow this religion and they are pleasant. They put the same restrictions on their children and they are even more devout.

He's ridiculous.

I really do wish I could leave but we would be homeless. I'm not working full time right now. I'm completing a course.

OP posts:
Original poster
orangepinkorange · 06/09/2020 09:50

I mean they don't put the same restrictions sorry

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Original poster
orangepinkorange · 06/09/2020 09:51

I would never want this to go to court. Over religion? Really?

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Original poster
orangepinkorange · 06/09/2020 09:52

I will absolutely continue to celebrate christmas with my DD, she loves Christmas. We celebrated last year but now he won't allow it this year.

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DontBeShelfish · 06/09/2020 09:52

How much longer do you have on your course, OP? I would use this time to get your house in order - get financial docs put aside, open a new bank account etc.

Are you hoping he'll just forget about it in 6 months and that you can manage the situation for your DD in the meantime? I wonder what will happens when she gets older, will he put restrictions on her behaviour in other ways too?

Original poster
orangepinkorange · 06/09/2020 09:57

I finish in July 2021, so 1 year really.

I'd like to leave him before he starts messing with her education. He hates evolution despite not knowing anything about it. He's an uneducated man, very educated.

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june2007 · 06/09/2020 10:15

Does his family follow this religion?
If so you can,t be surprised if he follows it. If not is this a new thing?
I think it depends on what it is for instance not eating pork is one thing, making someone wear a Burka is another. I think you need to discuss together how you are going to bring up your children and also find out about the religion so that you can say if it is more based on a culture then on what is said in the religious texts.
I think these probs aren,t that unusual inmixed race/ religion partnerships.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/09/2020 10:19

Do you have any family you could stay with? Could you speak to your local council housing? You're saying you know it's damaging her so you know you need to do everything you can to get out now.

Or you need to tell him categorically it will not be happening, continue to do the stuff in front of him and let her do it too etc and stick up for her

june2007 · 06/09/2020 10:22

How is it damaging her? What it is it you feal is having a negative impact? Is the religion very much part of his culture?

TheSeedsOfADream · 06/09/2020 10:24

You wouldn't be leaving him over religion.
You'd be leaving him because he's a controlling bully who has no respect for you.
Do you want your daughter growing up seeing that her father is lord and master?

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/09/2020 10:31

I may be completely wrong but read the religion as JW.

zaphodbeeble · 06/09/2020 10:33

JW ?

Original poster
orangepinkorange · 06/09/2020 10:58

I don't want to say what the religion is but let's say for example he doesn't want her to eat something because he doesnt and the religion says so, well if she wants the food then I'm not opposed to her eating it and I would allow it.

I'm not sure what the council could do as the waiting list is long and there is no space at family's house. Plus DD would lose her school place.

His family don't follow this religion. It's just something he picked up because he feels oppressed. This particular religion speaks to him. He has never set foot in the religious building, let alone read the holy book, celebrated the holidays or even prayed as far as I know.

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Original poster
orangepinkorange · 06/09/2020 10:58

He is a British man.

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ApolloandDaphne · 06/09/2020 11:02

It sounds like he is using religion to inflict his views and wishes on you and your DD rather than being inherently devout. It sounds like an insidious way to abuse you with the front of being pious and religious.

pointythings · 06/09/2020 11:09

So the religion is a manifestation of the real issue, which is that he is a deeply unpleasant man shaped by his own feelings of inadequacy, which he is now using to make you and your DD miserable. Do you really want a year of fighting with him until you can leave? Even life in a refuge would be better. He's using religion as a stick to beat you with. Don't let him.

SimonJT · 06/09/2020 11:20

I’m an athiest but raising my son in a religion that is traditionally followed by many of his birth family, I also traditionally follow some aspects of it, a bit like mant athiests who celebrate xmas etc. There is another religion in his birth family that we don’t follow, even though I do still follow some of the traditions of that religion.

We generally follow the five Ks but with flexibility, so my sons hair hasn’t been cut while he has been with me, but he does have underwear with elastic in unless we go to temple. We don’t celebrate festivals of other religions, but I do teach him about them when they are happening so he knows what they are, why people celebrate etc. As we’re not celebrating we tend to do something, so during xmas and hannukah we volunteer at a local homeless shelter as our days are 21st and 26th December.

I’m not doing it to encourage a belief, its done as a link to his culture and I don’t care he chooses to be an athiest or chooses to follow a religion as an adult.

I don’t personally think religion should be forced on a child, if my sons asks for a haircut its allowed etc, just as if he wants to celebrate easter etc then its something we’ll start doing.

If he genuinely believed he would do anything he could to follow, he would also feel remorseful when he fails. He isn’t, hes just using it as an excuse to be a bit of a twat it seems. Would a year be enough time to get yourself in order etc?

Bunnymumy · 06/09/2020 11:21

He isnt of religion anyway. He doesn't believe in god. He just believes in using whatever he can to control and manipulate. And if that isnt evil, I dont know what is.

Not only is he a hypocrite, he is the embodiment of everything religious texts warn against.

Get yourself and your wee one out. Asap. Speak with womens aid. They may be able to provide accommodation.

frazzledasarock · 06/09/2020 11:27

abusive men often use religion as a way to abuse.

They’re experts at cherry picking and quoting ‘holy text! (🙄) out of context.

I was married to a man same religion as me and he used to tell me I was going to hell very frequently. Usually it was because I wouldn’t have sex with him after he’d beat the crap out of me, I wouldn’t give up my job or give him all my money (but he never spent money on essential for meor our children). Etc.

Ignore the ‘religious aspect, it’s a control tool.

Speak to women’s aid, find a way to leave sooner rather than later. It’s horrific to live with.

Grobagsforever · 06/09/2020 11:56

Can you see a solicitor and get possession of the marital home somehow?

This abusive man sounds quite scary. It will escalate. Do you feel safe standing up to him and letting your daughter eat the food etc?

SleepingStandingUp · 06/09/2020 12:11

So what happens if he decides she can't eat pork and use asks for a bacon sandwich and you go and make her one?

Original poster
orangepinkorange · 06/09/2020 13:08

Yes, I don't see him as religious but as someone making a mockery of the religion.

If I'm out with my DD and she's hungry and asks for food that her dad doesn't like, I'll let her have it. I'm her parent too, not just him.

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Original poster
orangepinkorange · 06/09/2020 13:09

I can't get possession as I'm not married. But he is in social housing that is in his name. He is named on the tenancy.

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