Different religious beliefs. Who has the last say?

[orangepinkorange]

Apparently its him because he's the man and the breadwinner.

We have a primary aged child. He has been religious on and off since I met him 10 years ago. He only just decide in the last 6 months to "follow" his religion but really he cherry picks.

He won't let DD do certain, innocent things that most children do because of his religious views. Yet he might do something similar even when she's around.

He's a hypocrite. Makes everything about his religion, but I think it's more of a control thing. I don't push anything on to DD. I just let her be a child.

I would leave but now is not the right time because we will be homeless. I feel he's damaging DD. There are things she can't eat or do, but I allow her to when he's not around because I believe I have a say too as her parent.

Sorry if this all seems a bit illegible, I'm really pissed off. I just know he will abandon his religion in 6 months time as he always does.

I don't think what he is doing counts as abuse to a domestic abuse organisation.

How can I prove what he's said to me?

I would have to leave my course as well and disrupt DDs education if I go in to a refuge. I could end up anywhere, and I can't even drive. I'm in a city.

Dont get focused on 'proof'. Abusers like you to believe you have to prove everything. Eg: you think they are cheating and they are but they tell you you have no right to be angry because you have no proof.

Being in the city is actually a good thing as there are busses everywhere :) have you much exp of being single in the city before?

There might be a refuge in the city too. Hopefully you could get child support up and going within a mo th or two too and maybe a wee job so there wpuldnt be too much disruption. Maybe your course would let you defer to next year too if need be.

This most definitely is abuse. Abuse isn’t just having ten bells knocked out of you.

Call women’s aid they’ll give you good advice. You don’t need to go into a refuge. Find out your position then make your decision.

It could be or abuse or it might not be. That really depends on what he does when you say or do something that he doesn't agree with. e.g. if you tell him you ARE celebrating Christmas with your dd and go ahead despite him forbidding it what will he do? Be aggressive or violent? Financially 'punish' you by withdrawing household money? Sulk and give you the silent treatment? Or worse? Any of those could be abuse.

Definitely abuse, and I agree it’s not religion, it’s an excuse for bullying behaviour and control.

He probably doesn’t care what the actual rules of “his religion” are - just anything to show he is in control.

I’d get out ASAP. I agree with not worrying about “proof”. Witness evidence is proof - ie what you say. And I don’t know why you think something as serious as this couldn’t go to court.

Not really about religion is it?

It's about a nasty, aggressive, hypocritical twat of a bloke making your lives a misery.

Your DD is little now. Get her out of this before he ruins her childhood and sets her up for a lifetime of accepting shit from men, because that's what she saw you do.

I don't think what he is doing counts as abuse to a domestic abuse organisation

Yes, it will. He doesn't follow the rules of that religion except when he wants to use them as a tool for abuse and coercive control.

Sounds like differences of oppinion rather then abuse. But that might just be how op has written it.

He sounds like a dick but I wouldn’t say anything the OP has said sounds abusive. You have differing opinions on things which is going to be tricky going forward, how are you going to feel if your daughter chooses to adopt the religion he is half arsedly choosing to follow?

You are her mother so of course you choose how to raise her, what she can eat, etc but this will probably be easier for all of you if you separated and lived in separate homes with separate rules rather than everything being confusing for your daughter whilst under the same roof.

Thanks for all replies. I'm not sure I'm going to call womens aid or anything just yet. Although he has said other crap that I didn't mention before about how I'm "disobedient". He also hates feminists (women really) and wants to punish a young child by torturing her with a certain food. I don't want to say as that would be outing. This all came in to my head now, I never really think of things he's said to me.

He had a go at me this afternoon and said that I need to be careful or I'll be homeless, so I've been looking at a few flats near university (about 60 miles from where I am now plus direct train) and there are a few 1/2 beds with zero deposit and available now and close to good schools. I think my mum can help out with a bit of money for moving, but we would struggle with furniture if the place is unfurnished.

In your update he does sound abusive OP, the threats of homelessness because you’re being “disobedient” and torturing using food (force feeding?) are really awful.

The flat by your uni with zero deposit sounds like a good option and there are charity furniture shops which have cheap, second hand furniture. I think some councils also do furniture schemes too?

How toturing her do you as in not been able to eat certain food/ thats not toture thats just following a belief. But do follow up about those accomodation options, sounds like the relationship is over for him as well as you.

No you've got it wrong. He wanted to give her hot pepper chilli flakes to punish her for he behaviour.

Why the hell would him not giving her food be torture? Read it properly

Just because he decided to adopt this religion in the last few months doesn't give him the right to decide how my daughter should eat. He knew what my beliefs were before entering in to a relationship and having a child with me.

He decided to leave me for a year after her birth. He cant even take cafe of his child, I wake up every morning and take care of her. I feed her, clothe her, educate her and spend time with her. He sleeps till noon and wakes up with a solid. Everyday.

Some people think I'm wrong because I dont follow his religion. What makes you think he can control me just because he follows your religion too? I have no say because you agree with him too?

Forcing a child to eat chilli pepper flakes as punishment is hideously abusive. That in itself should be reason enough for your to leave him and run to a refuge.

He hasn't done that. Just keeps threatening to.

Agree with pp. Absolutely abusive. Sadistic. Planned. Incidious.

Get you're poor lass out of there asap.

Your.

Well thats not a religious thing is it, you made it sound like it was a religious thing like toturing her by not letting her eat pork.(going on your other posts.) But yes this is wrong.
I don,t know his religion do i as you haven,t said.
AS i said the relationship is broke so take the opportuity to get out when you can, no one is saying he can control you.
REgarding the thing about decided what your child should eat, yes that is a parents right to a degree. Just as much as you decid what the child should eat.
TBH I think if you more open and less cryptic it would be so much easier . So if you said he wants to feed her a Kosha diet, or he will only eat Halal we know what we are dealing with. But the religion isn,t the issue. The issue is a broken relationship.

Threatening her? How would she know what chilies powder would do. Clearly he is actually threatening you (via threatening her).

It's pretty obvious that his adopted religion is one that restricts women's rights . Why would you let him do this to your daughter and yourself ?

OK, so are we talking about an inadequate male who has adopted Islam as a way of expressing his innate misogyny? (And before anyone says anything, that is not what Islam is about, just what some losers want to make it)

And threatening to make your DD eat chilli flakes is quite abusive enough to warrant you leaving. As for food - what she eats and does not eat should be a joint decision, not exclusively his. Or yours, come to that. Abolishing Christmas is a load of nonsens - most my Muslim friends celebrate Christmas as a festival for family and togetherness.

The scariest thing to a man like that is an independent woman that they can’t control. I would second a women’s aid charity as moving out without their support may encourage him to be difficult.

OP can you arrange accommodation through your uni? They sometimes have family accommodation.