However busy you are, shouldn't you have time for friendship?

[fisil]

I started a light hearted thread some time ago about a friend who sends round robin e-mails throughout the year with everyone's personal message added on the bottom. I don't like it - if she has enough time to attach photos, write a long e-mail and write personal notes, she could surely also e-mail them separately rather than to everyone together?

I just received an e-mail from her with a link which is clearly to a joke site. It says "go to this site [link] If you haven't heard from me in some time this is me keeping in touch."

I just don't think there is much point in making the effort in this friendship! We are supposed to be bessie mates - I was maid of honour at her wedding last year etc. But ...!

Sorry, fisil, are you peeved that this has been her only communication with you, or just peeved at the style. If the former, then yes, I would be inclined to agree - real friendship needs some individual time and commitment for it to grow and flourish. If, OTOH, you still meet up or chat from time to time, then whilst these emails are rather impersonal, I wouldn't read too much into them TBH. Yes individual communication would be better, but then this sort of email (forwarding jokes), is sometimes just a matter of forwarding to anyone in your address book who might be interested.

No, I don't really think it is 'keeping in touch'.
If there's nothing personal about it then I can't see that it really counts. She obviously thinks it is better than no contact at all but surely it would be better to spend 5 mins on a quick, cheery personal e-mail.
Do you e-mail her?
It's very frustrating. I am ranting a bit because I have lost a close friend over the past year by my refusing to be the one who made all the contact. I know I'll hear from her (very) occasionally but the friendship is no longer as special to me as it used to be.
And she forgets my children's birthdays. She's supposed to be ds's unofficial godmother. Grumble...

ladymuck, this is the only communication. She emmigrated to the US a few years back and this is the only way she keeps in touch. Maybe 5 or 6 of these a year. When she comes to stay we all (her parents included) get told our appointed time to see her. This Xmas she has allocated Boxing Day to me and her mum!

Boomama, I e-mail her in response to personal e-mails on the odd occassion they arrive. I did used to e-mail her a lot more, but never getting replies made me feel, like you say, that I was the one who made all the contact. She told me that I must e-mail a photo of ds each week and that I should phone her. But I don't like phoning her, she is usually out and her dh is pretty hostile (and I inevitably get the time change wrong!)

How much effort do you make to keep in touch with her? I know what it's like to be the one far away, from when I was living abroad. Everyone at home expected me to be the one to make the effort and it was jolly hard work when you took into account all the friends and family waiting to hear from me.

I think it's good of her to think of you from time to time when she is so far away, especially as she may not get much reciprocation from those still on this side of the pond.

I know what you're saying, Freckle. I suppose I am a bit angry still about the circumstances in which she left and so I feel that it is her who has made the decision to go and live so far away from everyone. It was completely her choice and it was totally pigheaded. I know a lot of others find themselves living far away because of circumstances beyond their control, not in her case.

But I did make a big effort at first, as I said. I just never had anything I wrote acknowledged and it felt like talking to thin air or an aged aunty.

This isn't something I have actually tried but what about telling her how you feel - before too much time passes and you begin to feel awkward.
Maybe post her a card and say you miss her friendship.

I suppose Boomama that's where the title of this thread comes from. She says that she's too busy because of work and that she finds it difficult to write because she's dyslexic. She then tells me that I have to phone and send photos of ds in order to compensate for this. Again, it feels like me doing all the running, and it is showing a deep lack of understanding of me too, I've always really hated making phone calls (and she's known me since we were tiny) and we rarely take photos.

sorry, should have started by saying that I feel like I have tried to tell her how I feel.

Must be very frustrating.
Maybe it will just become a friendship where you don't communicate very often but when you do it will be like old times. I have some other very dear old friends like this and I am glad we have managed to hang onto each other.

I have just the same thing with my nephew and his wife (2 kids). THEY chose to live in Ausbloodystralia and all we get is round robin emails and loads of boring photos of their kids and beaches and updates on the temperature ffs. Its just not possible to keep in touch with that much distance and time difference. We get the same thing, they come to visit for 3 or more weeks and we get a tiny slot on a specific day (we have an child with autism and a baby). I find it very annoying and hurtful, first that he went (don't care about her) and then that he doesn't really care about anyone. I'm the last person he should take into account, I'm only married to his uncle so god knows how his closer family feel. Rant over!!

fisil, doesn't sound like she's making enough effort to me either but maybe you do just have to accept that friendships change and she's just too far away to keep in touch properly.

know how you feel fisil, i loathe getting 'group' emails if it's the only contact. I'd say though, if you would like to stay in touch with her as she used to be, then try to rise above it. You may find that, if you find yourselves in the same country again, you can just pick up the friendship again. This has happened with a very dear friend - it seemed like she disappeared for 7 years with the odd group email only and then she was back in the country again and it was great. i'd say drop her a card or email when you think of her, even if it's just with a 'hi' and a smiley or whatever.

I know this has little to do with what's going on here but I will add my little bit...
My mum n dad had a good circle of friends.. they lived 100 miles from me. My dad died and these friends fall away, bar a few. Two in particular become very close to mum. One used her for her money, the other, well, I am still not quite sure. Mum sent one of them a card which had a poem about how much a person is told they are missed and then forgotten. I thought this was apt. A week later, after a year or so of non communication, a card arrived for mum saying how sorry she was etc...
I am not sure what I would do in your situ but with people who use such automated, cold responses then I tend to ignore them and let them fade from my pc and hopefully from my energy banks!
Life's too blinkin short to worry about people who would rather not be worried about.

I meant to add that real friends come and go.. they are supposed to. That is why we leave our door open for them.
I have some fondest memories of people who I just do not hear from..
Someone once said to me that people are like ships in the night, or stepping stones of life. You either accept that this person has played a part in your life, smile and move on, or get in touch and tell her exactly how this sort of communication is making you feel. Either way hun, she is or has been a good friend.
(Sorry, it was only meant to be a little bit)

my best mate moved to US about 5 years ago, I have been the one making most effort and i posted here not long ago about a very curt email i received from her which upset me greatly. She too sends collective emails quarterly to everyone back here and her other friends around the world and on occasion this has been her only communication with me. ANyway after a good chat with her mum (and then her mum talking to her - whch i didn;t realise) she is now making more effort. So maybe just tell her how you feel and she will probably be very surprised.

Thanks everyone - lots of food for thought. I have my scan on Thursday so I will probably be getting in touch with her then. Will have to think carefully about how to do it. Thanks all.

Losing touch with friends is a subject dear to my heart; I'm not sure I agree that we're meant to move on - I have made real efforts to get back in touch with friends I've lost touch with, and the results have been very interesting. Some people have been absolutely delighted I made the effort and have kept in touch and renewed a friendship. Others - including my absolutely absolutely best friend for years, who shares her name with DD1 FFS - couldn't be arsed. And I have drawn my conclusions accordingly

There is no rime or reason for why this sort of thing happens to most of us. I am sure that making an effort to keep in touch isn't too much hassle but thinking about it, if we allow ourselves to drown in all this, friends lost etc, then we cannot be there for those friends who are with us at the moment. We also imagine lots of things about what we did wrong to make this happen and then we start doubting ourselves.

All I was trying to say is that an effort has been made by this friend, you reject it as you are not sure that it is the sort of contact you need from her, so I say accept it and move on, leave it as it is - Keep your heart open for her when she needs to get back to you - or let her know that you are not too happy about this sort of contact and that you miss her.

I didn't mean to say that we have to move on, just that it is a choice.

Hope I didn't offend anyone.

I think you are very wise Jojo. I fully sympathise fisil; my best friend moved abroad 5 years ago and we tried for along time to keep in touch, I went out there for a week and we meet up on our own when she comes over. She has young children too, and I mourn the fact that we cannot raise them together and share this experience.

If she came back I would be thrilled and would make lots of time to see her, and probably pick up where we left off. However, I think it is pretty much impossible to have a close friendship at a distance, when you only see them once a year, if that. I think jojo is right; be thankful for the friendship you had, and try to foster new ones that you can share day to day life with. I also think that if someone chooses to move abroad for a better life, job etc, then they do 'sacrifice' their friends; in many cases, the new life is considered more important. I know that sounds harsh, but that is their choice. I , for one, could never leave my family; better weather just isn't enough!! Mind you, when I do hear from my friend, I love it, and always write back, but I think it is mad to send presents etc to children you don't know and have only seen once! even if you know you would have loved them if life had been different.

not sure if that helps much but you are not alone!!!

Oh no offence, honestly, I think I'm just still pissed off with own former friend !

I've had many a friend disappear into the sunset. When people move away for whatever reason, I have found they change. Their surroundings are different, they meet new people and share different experiences. I have a wonderful friend I met online. We have never ever met. He, (yes-he) was my lifeline when I needed a strangers point of view of my failed relationship with my ex of 16yrs. This was 6yrs ago, and we haven't met yet. I love him dearly for being there for me - he knows more about me than I do. We haven't spoken for about 3 months now, but I know he's there and I am here. That is a friend. You are all friends... who else can we share such feelings with?

I had a great friend once....she was brilliant. I lost touch with her years ago. I tried so hard to contact her, but no answer was the stern reply. I stopped after 2yrs of trying. No point wasting more energy... sad, but true. I still think of her fondly and at times I wonder if I have done or said anything to upset her.. silly eh? I even wrote and apologised!! arrhgh how embarrassing.

This friend of yours.... is she really really special to you? Can you find a way of telling her? If she is a true friend then she will understand.
{{{hugs}}}

Another viewpoint from someone who's lived abroad - I swore I would never ever do a "newsletter" to go in my Christmas cards (we used to get one every year from relatives in Canada and we thought it was the most cringeworthy thing ever). So for the first two years, I dutifully sat down and wrote a personal note in every Christmas card I sent back to the UK (phoning wasn't an option at £2 a minute!). IT TOOK WEEKS!! Imagine having to keep in touch with everyone you know via email or notes in cards i.e. no phone calls - it's quite an undertaking, especially if emailing is not your strong point .

Also, imagine you've got two or three weeks once a year to see everyone you care about - everyone's important, everyone feels they should have longer with you (although surprisingly few people offer to travel to you to make it easier) and you travel back home feeling that you've failed to see anyone properly.

I'm not excusing your friend fisil (OK, maybe I am a little ), but sometimes the only way of keeping in touch is rather impersonal, but surely it's better than no contact at all?

Plus, friends are a bit like clothes - you know the rule, one item added to the wardrobe = one item given to a charity shop!
While we do have a flexible amount of time to give to friends, we don't have unlimited time and energy. Some friends move away, and though it can be sad it does make room for new ones. Otherwise you ended up never making new friendships into deep ones because you don't have time as you are so busy 'servicing' old friendships.