I want a 3rd child. DH doesn't.

BergamotMouse · 2020-09-04T19:35:57+00:00

I have the overwhelming urge for a 3rd child. I see our table with an extra chair, imagine the joy it will bring long term. But DH can just see the short term difficulties and is adamant he doesn't want another. Life is just getting easier - DD is 4 and DS nearly 2. I see his point, I really do and wouldn't force him into it but I can't stop thinking about it. Has anyone been in a similar position, did your DH change their mind, was there a happy accident (tbh, we're not overly careful), did the urge pass? If you did end up with 3 was it a big jump from the stress of 2?

Digestive28 · 04/09/2020 20:39

I was same. I wanted a third, DH didn’t so we didn’t. Years later still sad occasionally but equally wouldn’t have life we have now if we had a third.

Original poster

BergamotMouse · 04/09/2020 20:43

I guess the one who doesn't want another trumps the one who does.

However, he'd probably be childless now if it wasn't for my urge for babies. And he's had 2 because it's the done thing. And he loves them to bits as I know he'd love a 3rd. He'd just never be the one to say 'let's do this'.

OP posts:

KindKylie · 04/09/2020 20:46

We were in this situation. I had always wanted 4 but liked the idea of 3 too. Certainly didn't wanted to stop at 2. DH really, really didn't want anymore after dc2 and was adament we were done.

We gave away baby stuff and I did find my peace with it. It would always have been a regret but I could totally accept the situation and see the positives in our family of 4.

DH changed his mind a bit when dc2 was 4 and we ttc twice before I had a change of heart and decided I was happier stopping at 2. I was already pregnant!

Dc3 is the absolute best thing we did and am so glad we went ahead. But I'm back to wanting 4 and DH is again adament we are done. I have recognised that I will get over it again and that dh's reasons are sound.

CloudyVanilla · 04/09/2020 20:53

I don't have experience of being at odds with wanting another as we were both happy with 2 for practical reasons (although we both love family life and would have wanted more if we had more resources).

I fell pregnant unexpectedly with a third baby though, at the same age your DC are, eldest was four and youngest was two. We too were thinking we were past the earliest years, and a third was to be honest not the most welcome surprise and we were worried how we would cope and we were having some tearful conversations about not continuing for the sake of the rest of the family.

The little surprise is now 7 months old, and to say he has slotted in perfectly would minimise the absolute joy he actively brings to our family He is a wonderful boy and going from 2 - 3 is absolutely nothing compared to 1 - 2 (although to be fair I didn't find that particularly difficult anyway). I honestly think if you can cope with the practical side of things, it's worth it if you feel that gap.

I totally get the imagining another little chair at the table etc.. I think the ultimate goal is to get to a place where it doesn't make your heart ache to think of not having that extra one. I look at my 3 and I am totally at peace with not having any more! A little tribe of 3 is perfect

Original poster

BergamotMouse · 04/09/2020 20:54

I have also just given all the baby stuff away!! Thought that might help but it's made it worse.

I'm seeing what lovely children my kids are becoming and I want to fill the house with just one more.

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Xyzzzzz · 04/09/2020 20:54

No one is right or wrong in this situation but if both aren’t on board I wouldn’t.

Original poster

BergamotMouse · 04/09/2020 20:58

@CloudyVanilla

I don't have experience of being at odds with wanting another as we were both happy with 2 for practical reasons (although we both love family life and would have wanted more if we had more resources).

I fell pregnant unexpectedly with a third baby though, at the same age your DC are, eldest was four and youngest was two. We too were thinking we were past the earliest years, and a third was to be honest not the most welcome surprise and we were worried how we would cope and we were having some tearful conversations about not continuing for the sake of the rest of the family.

The little surprise is now 7 months old, and to say he has slotted in perfectly would minimise the absolute joy he actively brings to our family He is a wonderful boy and going from 2 - 3 is absolutely nothing compared to 1 - 2 (although to be fair I didn't find that particularly difficult anyway). I honestly think if you can cope with the practical side of things, it's worth it if you feel that gap.

I totally get the imagining another little chair at the table etc.. I think the ultimate goal is to get to a place where it doesn't make your heart ache to think of not having that extra one. I look at my 3 and I am totally at peace with not having any more! A little tribe of 3 is perfect

That's lovely how your 3rd has completed your family. I keep hoping for an accident but would want it to be DHs 'fault'

.

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Strokethefurrywall · 04/09/2020 20:58

I was you a few years back.

But DS1 is 9 in a couple weeks and DS2 is 6 1/2 and I'm so glad we stuck at 2.

I was like you, always wanted a 3rd (I'm one of 3), DH only wanted 2. I knew that if I really really badgered him he would have agreed but I decided to leave a few years and see how I felt when I was 38. That was the oldest I would have waited before having a 3rd and the age gap would have been 3 or so years between middle and new baby.

But we got there and I realised that there was nobody missing from our family. I love babies and often feel wistful for the new baby haze, but life is immeasurably easier now.

I'm glad I followed my head instead of my heart. Sure, I often fantasize about a mythical 3rd baby boy, but in reality we can give our 2 boys far more opportunities, my career is going from strength to strength and we live a very comfortable life.

Sometimes when you're in the thick of child rearing it's all encompassing. Step back and wait for a while and you might find the urge passes on its own. It did for me which I'm so glad about.

Good luck

FraterculaArctica · 04/09/2020 20:58

I was in this situation 18 months ago. It was the elephant in the room between us. I got very lucky, DH suddenly decided he couldn't be bothered to argue about it and DC3 was conceived on the first try, bringing to an end any need for further discussion. Has it been hard going from 2 to 3? - only really because of COVid meaning we have had all 3 at home for most of the last 6 months. But DS1 and DD both adore DS2. There is no question about a 4th, I knew for certain that I would feel absolutely complete with 3. And I know how incredibly lucky I have been (when I met DH he wasn't even sure he wanted 1!)

RainingAllTheTime65 · 04/09/2020 20:58

Honestly, I wouldn't have a happy accident, and I talk of someone who had to stop at one because my husband didn't want any more. It's seriously crossing someone's boundaries to purposefully try for a child that your partner has expressed that he doesn't want. Imagine it was the other way around and a man was damaging condoms for this outcome?

Try and talk him round but respect his choice as he has respected your choice for the two children you have.

ShellsAndSunrises · 04/09/2020 20:59

He'd just never be the one to say 'let's do this'.

But he did agree before? You were just the one with the urge; who started the conversation. He was on board?

If so; I think you need to try and accept that he’s not keen this time, although it could be worth giving him some time to sit with the idea and then talking about it, both emotionally and practically.

Some people do it and the urge for just one more comes back, it’s biological. Some people don’t and always feel a bit sad about it. It’s a tough line to walk.

Overall I think the person who doesn’t want one trumps the person who does, but I’d be expecting him to be the one to shore up protection if you’ve not been too careful until now, as I wouldn’t want to be accused of a deliberate accident if one occurred.

StraffeHendrik · 04/09/2020 21:02

Similar situation here op. We have decided to go for it. I am a bit worried I'll feel bad when we have tough days as the baby bit is undeniably an effort. But I also think we will both like it in the long run. Same as you my DH would not venture to do a lot of things if I didn't push him (buying house, learning to drive, drinking wine...) but usually he comes round to my point of view.

Original poster

BergamotMouse · 04/09/2020 21:04

I'm not on any contraception. So it's down to condoms which DH is fully aware of and in control of. I always tell him when I'm at my fertile time. But he will sometimes not use one at the beginning or close to the end of my cycle.

So I don't think it would ever be me tricking him.

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Redbirds · 04/09/2020 21:07

From experience going from two to three isn't too bad when all the children are young but as they grow and develop different interests and friends it's hard work; don't get me started on the teenage years!

TokyoSushi · 04/09/2020 21:07

I could have written @Strokethefurrywall post word for word! 7 & 9 now, easy, happy life, very pleased with two.

GeorginaTheGiant · 04/09/2020 21:09

If you want an accident that is your DH’s fault you need to be clear with him that you want another baby and won’t be taking any contraceptives and if he wants to prevent it, he needs to take steps to ensure that. You’re then being totally honest and transaction and if you were to fall pregnant there can be no resentful arguments about who thought who was doing what. HOWEVER, if you do that I hope he’s self controlled enough to either use condoms religiously or get the snip because if he doesn’t want a baby then he shouldn’t have one. It’s so hard if you’re on different pages but as you’ve acknowledged, the person who doesn’t want one trumps the one that does. I just think that the two of you sleep walking into an ‘accident’ without a clear and frank discussion beforehand could be extremely damaging for your relationship and ultimately you need to focus on keeping that strong for the sake of your existing children.

RainingAllTheTime65 · 04/09/2020 21:10

I never meant tricking him, just, I didn't know what you meant by happy accident in your OP. If contraception is down to him and he's the one that is adamant he doesn't want another then I doubt a happy accident is going to happen anyway.

I really wanted two but we got pregnant by accident very young and it just wasn't feasible to have two at that time and by the time we could afford it our son was a teenager and my husband didn't want another which was fair enough... so I just had my one..... and I'm happy with that now.

I hope it works out for you and you're happy with whatever happens.

GeorginaTheGiant · 04/09/2020 21:10

Transparent, that should say, not transaction. And cross post anyway!

TokenGinger · 04/09/2020 21:12

Not me personally, but I have a friend who was in this situation. In the end, DH agreed, reluctantly. The DC was born and has some disabilities and learning difficulties. It put tremendous stress on the relationship and the DH resented the DW for pushing him to have a child he didn't want, and they eventually split. Her life now isn't what she imagined it would be with the third DC, though of course DC is very much loved and cared for.

SnowdropFox · 04/09/2020 21:14

I have a friend who was in the same boat as you. She was insistent she wanted 3 or 4, only every talking about 2 when they were dating and then married. Then the maternal instincts kicked in after the first and she just felt deep down she needed more to feel complete (as she described it). He always wanted the 2 kids and a dog situationm. His reasonings were mainly practical, 3 kids means a bigger car, bigger places for holidays, less disposable income for the kids hobbies, less savings to help them if they went into further edu etc. etc.. They came to a stalemate.

In the end she went off birth control (got her implant removed) and got pregnant. Sadly lost the lo but the damage was done to the relationship. They are still together and getting counselling.

Please don't engineer anything to make it seem like his fault. Its a horrible thing to do.

Puffinhead · 04/09/2020 21:43

@Redbirds

From experience going from two to three isn't too bad when all the children are young but as they grow and develop different interests and friends it's hard work; don't get me started on the teenage years!

I agree with this. I have 3DD (2 year gap between first, then 3.5 years between the youngest) and have found it harder the older they get - trying to meet their emotional needs, the arguments, the expense! I don’t regret having a third but I often wonder what life would have been like with 2 and I honestly think it would have been easier. But I do appreciate how lucky we are.

fish88 · 04/09/2020 21:50

I wanted 3 but DP wanted to stop after 2. We decided to wait a couple of years to see if feelings changed. He still didn't want anymore kids and by that point I had got used to sleeping through the night and being able to stick the kids in front of the TV and have half an hour to myself and didn't fancy going back to the baby stage. My youngest is now nearly 4yo and I have made my peace with having only 2 kids although I wouldn't be upset if we had an accidental 3rd.

profilechange · 04/09/2020 21:51

I always wanted 3 and DH didn't. However, we were dtd one day and I said you do know I'm ovulating don't you do we could get pregnant, he said yes, it'll be fine and pulled out. Two weeks later I take a test and it's positive. DH was fuming and barely spoke to me the whole time I was pregnant and was just cross. He didn't come to my scans, although was there for her birth.
He regrets being a git now and wouldn't have it any other way, but it definitely took a shine off my pregnancy and I couldn't get fully excited for her arrival.

GeorginaTheGiant · 04/09/2020 21:53

@profilechange

I always wanted 3 and DH didn't. However, we were dtd one day and I said you do know I'm ovulating don't you do we could get pregnant, he said yes, it'll be fine and pulled out. Two weeks later I take a test and it's positive. DH was fuming and barely spoke to me the whole time I was pregnant and was just cross. He didn't come to my scans, although was there for her birth. He regrets being a git now and wouldn't have it any other way, but it definitely took a shine off my pregnancy and I couldn't get fully excited for her arrival.

This is awful

I’m astounded you stayed with someone who could treat you so appallingly. How on earth have you managed to forgive him?!

Justjoshin22 · 04/09/2020 21:58

It’s a difficult one OP. I am one of three and pre kids I would have always said three would be an option. Now I have two (dd 3 and dd 8 months) and I’m done. I know that further down the line, Mother Nature may start knocking and make me feel broody, but I also know that 2 children is enough for us. I enjoy my work, I want to give my girls opportunities that I wouldn’t be able to afford with 3 and I know that although my husband would be fairly easily persuaded into dc3, he agrees two makes sense.
My friend on the other hand has three and loves it, always planned for 3, always on the same page as her husband, don’t have much cash or room in their house, but feels totally content now as a family of 5.
There are so many posts on mn about this and so many say they love their third child... but it’s so hard... but it’s changed their family dynamic in a way they didn’t foresee... but it’s so expensive... but it’s wrecked their career progression. Only you can decide if those sorts of things matter enough not to have a third.
It’s very personal but as you say, if your husband is dead set against then you need to respect that.
Good luck!