I want a 3rd child. DH doesn't.

[BergamotMouse]

I have the overwhelming urge for a 3rd child. I see our table with an extra chair, imagine the joy it will bring long term. But DH can just see the short term difficulties and is adamant he doesn't want another.

Life is just getting easier - DD is 4 and DS nearly 2.

I see his point, I really do and wouldn't force him into it but I can't stop thinking about it.

Has anyone been in a similar position, did your DH change their mind, was there a happy accident (tbh, we're not overly careful), did the urge pass?

If you did end up with 3 was it a big jump from the stress of 2?

We always talked about a third, but my Dh dragged his feet a bit. We eventually went for a third with a gap of 6 years from our now middle. So we have an 8, 6 and 9 month old. We are so happy we have our third. She is the most happy baby. So sweet. Makes me want a 4th!!! I must say though I’m so happy I went for the big gap. I get to enjoy this baby so much bc the older two are more independent. It’s so much easier as well. Don’t think I could have coped with another close gap. My first two are 20 months apart.

Hotel rooms for 5 are much harder to find.

Going on a train seats are in two or four round a table so group of four and one person scross the aisle?

Bigger car if you need three car seats.

I have three but actually travelling was easier after separating and going out as four not five !

Your third might be disabled.

Expensive teenagers x 3 laptops and 3 x uni maintenance . Or 2 plus 1 x extra costs if disabled.

If you both want another child whatever it tkes and whatever child you get then go for it.
If you not on same page consider what a great family you already have ?

I also have to add, yes I’ve read a lot say it’s so hard, but for us it’s really been easy. It fell into place. We even have a young dog of two years. So we got a puppy first and then decided to have a third. Dog is the best dog ever. Baby is the best as well. I think it really helps having a bigger gap. The older ones dote on the baby and the dog.

Your hormones are urging you to create more offspring. But step back for a moment and look at the world that a child would be faced with. It is becoming significantly more difficult for people to find jobs nowadays and technology is going to take away even further opportunities for employment in the future. With less work opportunities then the chance to owning a home decreases. Rental prices will continue to climb. The population of the world is getting greater by the year which brings more competition for jobs, homes and healthcare. Look beyond a gorgeous, cuddly little baby to the adult that they will become and the struggle that that adult is very likely to face in the future. Concentrate on the children you already have. Enjoy them and do the best you can for them in this ever changing, challenging world.

I have twins, I was a single mum and went through pregnancy alone, and then a premature birth and then a couple of months in SCBU. I felt so isolated being surrounded by couples.

My DP is dad to my two DC, even though they aren’t biologically his. I desperately wanted to have a 3rd (and potentially a 4th) and that was always our plan.

I wanted the experience of having a baby with a DP rather than begging people to come to my scans so I wasn’t alone. Also although having twins is wonderful you miss out on special 1:1 time. Those cute mother and baby music sessions etc aren’t manageable with two on your lap. You rush feeding one because the other one is screaming and hungry. I’m really not complaining but I felt there were certain things I wanted to do and couldn’t. Baby slings were one thing I couldn’t do either with two!!!

Anyway. Turns out both my twins are autistic. DS diagnosed when he was 4, quite significant difficulties. DD just diagnosed this summer aged 10yrs. They are both so much more dependant than average 10 yr olds. My DS is still in nappies -nd he turns 11yrs old in a couple of months.

DP changed his mind. Said given the needs of DC it would be unfair. Also he said selfishly that he wants some us time eventually. He’s also worried about disabilities being more severe as I’m older.

I’m now 44 and it’s taken a couple of years to really come to terms with it.

I realised it’s not really another baby I want - I just want my time over with my DC again because it’s wonderful having babies. I still get pangs, especially as I see mine growing up so fast but I think I’d always feel the same, even if I had 20 babies!

With the greatest respect, I don’t think you can be certain about whether you still feel broody when you still have a young baby. I think lots of us feel those urges as our children grow up.

I also realised that if I had another one I’d be denying my DC time, time that they need from me. It wouldn’t be fair.

You do get past it but the decision has to be mutual or else you’ll resent him.

H

3 children means you need a bigger car. Holidays amd days out are expensive. It can be an odd dynamic to handle. People wont want to babysit. Childcare is expensive.
I have 3. I can only really enjoy taking 2 out at a time.
There is no guarantee at all that you will feel done with three. There isnt a number youre supposed to have by fate and there is noone missing from your family. You might just really love babies and perhaps always will

We had a similar situation, when my kids were 3 & 1 I wanted to have a 3rd but DH didn't, a year later my DH decided he wanted a 3rd but by then I wasn't so sure - we then had a contraception failure and subsequently found out I was pregnant. We now have DD5, DS3 & our newborn who is 3 weeks who has slotted in perfectly and going from 2 to 3 has been great so far, I now however want to have a 4th but DH is certain we are completely done.

We thought about it as I’m one of 3 so glad we stopped at 2. Very easy 2 same sex who get on well we do lots as a family together that we couldn’t with a younger child and now they have hit early teen it’s very expensive.

he’s told he doesn’t want anymore so i wouldn’t be having any accidents.

i have three.

it’s hard work when they get older.

I was the same, I wanted 3 but DH didn't. We stopped at 2 as it was the right thing to do. I still pang when I see babies but the youngest is now 6 and I am seeing the advantages of just having 2 daily. Throughout lockdown I was glad we only had 2. You will get over it, it took me a while but its much easier. To be honest I think a lot of it is the hormonal drive to keep having babies. DH is very practical and sensible and if I am totally honest he was right.

I agree with pp about teenagers. I'm in the paying for two sets of university now, these are the times which need considering as well as the baby stages.

I was the same as you op when mine were little. Such lovely little things that brought so much joy to me so why wouldn’t we want more!?

DH didn’t agree however so we stopped at two. Now they are 12 and 13 and dear lord am I glad there’s not more of them. The emotional strain on me over their friendships, school work, worries, fears, mental health is just about bearable but I frequently think I wouldn’t cope with another. Not forgetting the cost especially when your 13yr old needs adult clothes and shoes. School trips/residentials/clubs etc make your eyes water.

Obviously plenty of couples have more than two children but I’m so glad we stopped at two.

I’d get contraception sorted long term as you don’t know how your dh would react to an accidental pregnancy. If you got pregnant would he be happy keeping the baby? How much strain would it put on your relationship? And financially? Don’t put your desire for another child ahead of the happiness and wellbeing of the family you’ve already got.

My step-sister deliberately engineered a third pregnancy knowing full well her husband was dead against any more. I was there when she gave him the good news and the look on his face was all you needed to know. She felt she knew him enough to think that he would kick up a fuss to begin with but would come round to the idea in time and with a lecture from his mother. She was wrong. He saw it as a betrayal of trust and what was a good marriage between sweetheart school friends descended into chaos and recrimination.

@GeorginaTheGiant pretty much sums up our whole marriage! Although he had a breakdown last year and has been a totally different person ever since. I however have built up such a wall around me that I'm finding it very hard to move forwards now and we are talking about separating. But in answer to your question, I had to stay, couldn't afford to move out and was going to have 3 children under 5 🤷🏻‍♀️

You already have children so the person who doesn’t want more trumps the person who does. Concentrate on the kids you have.

he's had 2 because it's the done thing

This does not generally bode well OP. I wouldn't push him into having another.