My wife continues to hit me - I'm at a complete loss, please help

[dustybrother]

Hi everyone,

So I've been wife my wife since 2004, married ten years this December and we have one daughter together (aged 7).

The punching and slapping started probably four or five years ago and has gradually got worse. When we have an argument, rather than just talk it through, it just results in her getting really aggressive and pushing me or hitting on my body. I don't know anymore what is normal in a marriage. I did see a therapist about a year ago after another episode and she told me it was assault and I should have gone to the police. I don't feel in danger as such but she just has no self-control and lashes out.

I know what I should probably do, that is to separate, but it's so hard when you have invested so much and we have a child together.

The other thing is that we haven't had sex for about 5 months and before that hardly at all for the last few years.

Any advice on what I should do??

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for your insightful message. Do you think slapping/grabbing/pushing is every acceptable from a partner? I think basically that we are just not compatible, we have highs and lows rather than a constant which over time just you wears you out and you lash out in various ways...(or not).

@Bunnymumy thanks so much for your message. My daughter has so far not seen any of it but I do worry about it the older she gets.....it's also really affecting my self-confidence as well. If you met me you wouldn't think any of this has been happening but peel back the layers and I'm not the super confident person I was.....

Hi @RB68 thanks. We actually own the house although if we sold I would only get 30% of the proceeds as I agreed when we bought the house (her parents gave a lot of money for the deposit) but I don't know if that would mean I get more of savings/pension contributions?

DustyBrother

re your comment in quote marks (that I have separated out for more clarity)
"Do you think slapping/grabbing/pushing is every acceptable from a
partner?"

No. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

"I think basically that we are just not compatible,, we have highs and lows rather than a constant which over time just you wears you out and you lash out in various ways...(or not)"

Its more than just incompatibility; the main issue here is that she is abusive. Highs and deep lows are also a trademark of an abusive relationship. Any relationship she has is ultimately going to fail. What you are describing here is an abusive relationship where she is violent towards you. Your DD will be picking up on all this, generally speaking children are more aware too than many parents care to believe. Her home too is not the sanctuary it should be.

I would also suggest you seek legal advice asap because this 30% agreement needs further checking.

Did you call the helplines?.

Oh OP. You have to go 💔

I think you need to phone the domestic abuse line for advice. At the moment the key thing is getting you and your daughter safe.

Money will be sorted later BUT if you agree 30% in writing it does not mean you will get more of other things just that you already agree the house split. IF the agreement will stand in law. But a solicitor will advise properly on your particular circumstances.

Step 1 is you and daughter safe so get things moving on that front, step 2 make sure you have all relevant docs and passports/birth certs/bank etc and 3 is to go if you are not able to pursue an emergency order to get her out of
the house

Can you get any evidence? Text messages or something similar?

Recently havent been getting along in our relationship, been together over 15 years. She hits and punches me about the head when she has had a drink, i just sit there and take it, ive had bruising and she has drawn blood. I have nowhere to go so i just stay and take it, im really at my wits end

I would think about involving the police. There's a very good programme about dv against men on channel 5 I think it was. This needs stopping right now, it will only escalate, I speak from experience, the police and victim support were a huge support to me when I was experiencing it, and the poor excuse for a man was being violent towards me and my children.
Please take your courage in your hands and seek help and support, here if you need an ear to listen.

@Justplaineon sorry to hear that. However I suggest you start you own thread for support. This one was started in 2020 and many posters won’t always post on a zombie thread. Even if they do, the suggestions will be aimed at the original poster. By all means take on board what was said in this old thread, but you’ll get more specific targeted advice if you start your own new one.

You don't have to have suffered any injury at all in order to be a victim of assault This is domestic abuse and it is not going to stop. Please make a complaint to the police and remove yourself and your daughter from this toxic situation. Your daughter may not be at risk of harm but she will be hugely emotionally affected. Good luck xx

EDIT: just seen that this is a zombie thread. @Justplaineon - I agree, start your own thread so that people can offer you advice x