My wife continues to hit me - I'm at a complete loss, please help

[dustybrother]

Hi everyone,

So I've been wife my wife since 2004, married ten years this December and we have one daughter together (aged 7).

The punching and slapping started probably four or five years ago and has gradually got worse. When we have an argument, rather than just talk it through, it just results in her getting really aggressive and pushing me or hitting on my body. I don't know anymore what is normal in a marriage. I did see a therapist about a year ago after another episode and she told me it was assault and I should have gone to the police. I don't feel in danger as such but she just has no self-control and lashes out.

I know what I should probably do, that is to separate, but it's so hard when you have invested so much and we have a child together.

The other thing is that we haven't had sex for about 5 months and before that hardly at all for the last few years.

Any advice on what I should do??

@MiddlesexGirl that's a good idea with the passport. I really need to sit down and work through what I need to do, it's all very overwhelming though....

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your wife crossed that line the first time she hit you. What do you know of her own family background?. She perhaps grew up seeing violence within the home and has repeated what she saw back then. There is NO justification or excuse for domestic violence within the home.

Your wife does not have to hit your daughter to be harmed. Your daughter is being emotionally harmed by seeing this within her home, her home is also not the sanctuary it should be. She will pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between your wife and you.

What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here from you two?. She cannot afford to grow up thinking that her mother's violent behaviour towards you is at all normal or acceptable.

If she doesn't do it around her family then that shows two things: she knows what she does is wrong AND she can control it.

It's abuse.

What if your daughter grows up to think it is ok if her partner hits her? Because her mum hit her dad all the time and obviously he was ok with it, because he stayed.

Do what you can to leave. I'd also be reporting the abuse to the police and going for main custody of the child if possible.

Pack anything important like your passports ect and leave them with family or someone you trust so that if she changes the locks before you have fully moved, at least she cant keep those things from you.

I would further urge you to call Mankind on their domestic abuse helpline; their number is 01823 334244. They can and will help you

www.mankind.org.uk/

You have to leave. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

And if she does it again between now and you leaving, report her to the police.

As for this whole idea of investing so much this is really the sunken costs fallacy and that causes good people like you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. People get bogged down by focusing on sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

The only acceptable level of physical abuse in a relationship is none. Would you accept being hit by a stranger in the street OP? No. You have a right to a violence free life.

Abuse also is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. Your wife wants absolute over you and in turn your daughter. Its no way for her to live either.

Please leave and take your little girl with you, no-one should have to live with any form of abuse.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm actually in tears reading this very thoughtful perspective. I have certainly divorced myself from my inner thoughts and they are often not in my conscience. It's not just the occasional hitting as a result of her frustration in our arguments, it's also the amount of shouting that happens, I dread to think what the neighbours think.

I have noticed a slight change in my daughter but overall she is very happy but others have mentioned how it isn't good for her to be in a household where that is happening......finding the energy to move on is so hard.....

OP you need to leave. I don't know how you could trust her again if she is hitting you. How can you let your guard down with someone who does that in the future? You can't.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

As for this whole idea of investing so much this is really the sunken costs fallacy and that causes good people like you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. People get bogged down by focusing on sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Very insightful post.

I did not mean to upset you but something needs to pierce your fog.

Find that energy within you that is there to get yourself and your daughter away from your violent wife. Use the helplines that other posters have put forward for you to use.

Your daughter cannot afford to go down the same route with any future partners your wife has gone down. This is really no life for her either; she may appear happy and she likely is but at the same time she is internalising everything around her and is picking up on all the vibes within her home.

It is not your fault that your wife is violent. You did not cause her in any way to become violent nor did you drive her to it. If you had not thought this was a problem you would not have posted.

you need to document the abuse and when it happens call the police so that it is recorded. Otherwise it becomes tit for tat on he said she said.

Do you own or rent as this will make a difference. If you own then would she be open to a conversation where she leaves? If you own its even more important to record the abuse because actually Police will remove her from the property if they feel you or your child is at risk. At which point rather than change the locks - extra security could be added. Also you would be able to persue an order to not allow her access to the property and an anti harrassment type order.

You may see it as minor but slaps and punches are not and if she is not able to control her anger then she is a risk to your child - she is also a risk to your child if she does these things in front of your child or whilst the child is also at the property

Listen to what Attila is saying about your daughter being harmed. She might seem to be coping - at that age, she probably thinks it's normal, poor thing - but she's learning patterns of behaviour that you really, really don't want her to repeat herself. Learning that if someone hits you, you put up with it and try to appease them.
She's a small child now, but in just a few years she'll be a teenager, and who knows what the dynamic will be like with her mum then. I wouldn't count on your wife not to hit her.

Thing is, when we're in Germany (she is of German origin) with her family she isn't the same, it's just here in London.

This is what abusers do. When they are with other people, they are totally able to control themselves...
This is telling you everything you need. If she wanted to, she could stop the hitting (which is I suspect is only ONE of the issues that are going on)

You have to leave. By staying she has no reason to address her issues. You and your child deserve better.

@dustybrother

Hi BertiesLanding, thanks. Over the last few years I haven't been perfect. We have also lost the ability to communicate like we used to and I'm a shadow of my former self; I think she feels the same way. Thing is, when we're in Germany (she is of German origin) with her family she isn't the same, it's just here in London. But this is where our main home is. Sorry, I've realised I'm rambling!

Over the last few years I haven't been perfect.

I would say that nearly all of us who have been where you are now - and many of us have - said words to the same effect. We feel compelled to try and explain our abuser's behaviour by suggesting we asked for it; we feel compelled to be as fair as possible in case we are exposed as drama queens and hysterics; we feel compelled to give our abuser the benefit of the doubt - mostly because we have learned to doubt ourselves.

No-one is perfect. No-one needs to be perfect. Abuse of any kind is abuse, and there is absolutely no justification for it.

And while you say that your daughter is fine for now, I urge you to consider that she isn't, and she is learning to be compliant.

Please, please leave.

Get out now !! This is totally unfair on your poor daughter. How do you know your wife will not go on to hurt your daughter ? She clearly has issues. What she is doing it totally wrong. She won’t act like that In Germany around her family because she clearly knows what she’s doing and doesn’t want them to know what she is doing and really like. Please read the story of Alex Skeel. Also I’ve noticed this isn’t the first time you have posted....do not waste any more time life is to short to be living a shit one.

Because you are bigger and stronger than her, right now she might not be hurting you beyond the bruises. But even if that made it acceptable (it doesn't), it probably can and will escalate. What happens when she lashes out while holding a knife or something heavy?

And what happens when your DD starts to think this is normal and gets into fist fights at school?

Or when your DD is older and defiant and your wife starts to hit her too?

OP, as others have said, no level of abuse is okay. I assume you are not hitting back - so you do know how to act appropriately. You need to really protect yourself and your daughter now.

Some great advice here, OP.
Sorry you're going through this. Please take daughter and leave. You can't have your DD thinking this is a normal relationship

If this was a woman being hit by her husband in front of her son, we would all be saying you should get out, what is your son learning about how to treat women, etc. How will your daughter treat men when her mother does this?

The longer you stay in this situation the more your daughter is learning that this dysfunctional relationship is normal. Teach her that there are limits of what acceptable in a relationship.

The Alex Skeel story was heartbreaking, one male police officer's hunch that something was very wrong probably saved his life

@ineedtobecalm, did you actually read the posts in the thread? Because they're all advising the OP to leave, that it's domestic abuse etc.

Yes I did actually. My point was the situation, and the danger to the child are comparable to when the gender of the abuser and the victim are reversed. And the answer is the same, leave.

Sorry you seem to have missed that

You need to record / document the abuse (whether you leave or not)
Perhaps contact a DV helpline as some of the other posters have said.
See a solicitor.

She can control it, she controls it around other people.