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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me help my dd with no friends

31 replies

alwaysupdating · 03/09/2020 16:12

My poor dd is only 13 years old, she just started year 9 today and was so excited. She didn't really have any friends last year but even with this in mind she was so excited to get back to school today.

She has been on her own for lunch and breaks today and tried talking to people but said some people just walk away after a little while.

I just don't understand it! She is a lovely kind girl and has good conversation skills etc and I just can't take another year of this at school again.

I don't know what I can do to help her?

Should I contact the school and see if there is anything they can do to help? Should I maybe move her schools if it continues?

I honestly don't know why but she always struggles with having friends and I don't get it. I have asked the lady at her youth club how she gets on with other children there and she said she gets on well with them.

I have friends with children and she gets on well with them I just don't know what the issue is and how I can help!

I can't bare her sitting alone at lunch time and feeling lonely!!

OP posts:
ChanceEncounter · 03/09/2020 16:17

Firstly Flowers this is so hard to watch.

I think you should definitely speak to school. Ask them how they help children who don't have friendship groups. If they don't help children with this, consider a move. You then coach her to say she moved for X non-friend reason!!

One of mine was a bit like this early in secondary but by sixth form all was well, so there is hope.

Does she do any activities outside school? Also I would really emphasise any friendships outside school.

I am sure she is lovely. Some forms just have clumps of similar people with a few not quite fitting with that iyswim.

Achybreakylegs · 03/09/2020 16:19

Has she told you that she feels lonely, is unhappy and wants to have friends? I ask because I was a happily introverted child with a mother who thought I should be more sociable and insisted that I spend more time with people when I just wanted to read a book.

Original poster
alwaysupdating · 03/09/2020 16:27

She geos to a youth club but thays about it! I am about to sign her up for drama classes and thought that would help her make friends.

She has some friends but they are boys and right now the boys don't hang out with girls at school as they will be called names.

The school she goes to the children are quite posh, my dd is well spoken but we are not middle class, i wonder if this has something to do with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysupdating · 03/09/2020 16:28

So today my dd is putting a brave face on it and saying its fine, but before lockdown she used to tell me she was sad etc.

It really breaks my heart and I just wish I could fix this for her

OP posts:
YgritteSnow · 03/09/2020 16:29

I'd definitely speak to the school. There's things they can do, group sessions and clubs that nudge them together without being obvious about it. They did this for my dd in primary and while she never made close friends, she wasn't so left out and isolated afterwards. They were very proactive.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2020 16:46

"I have asked the lady at her youth club how she gets on with other children there and she said she gets on well with them".

How old are these young people?. Is she for instance more at ease with people a few years younger than she is?.

Could it be that her own interests and or chosen topics of conversation are very different to those of these other girls?. Some people can be quite unforgiving of those who commit any and all unwritten social transgressions relating to social cues and your DD may not be fully aware of all those "rules".

I would also be speaking to the school and her form tutor.

Greeneyes78 · 03/09/2020 16:58

aw, sorry to hear this op. i have a 13 year old dd and this would break my heart. speak to school, are you friends with any of the parents from her year? maybe there’s something going on that she won’t tell you about. good luck Flowers

Glendaruel · 03/09/2020 17:01

That age group is hard, many are in established friend networks. I had that issue at 14 when we moved to new area. I can't say school got easier, but I joined the ranger guides and they became my social circle. It was small group of girls my age and we would go off camping or youth hostelling, having ago at different things. The overnight outtings really helped bring us together as group.

Original poster
alwaysupdating · 03/09/2020 21:52

The children at the youth club are about the same age as her either a year above or below.

I only know one parent from the school, my dd and her son have been friends since primary school I might message her tomorrow to see if I can find anything out.

I am going to sign her up for drama classes but that is out of school. I'm also wondering if perhaps I should look into counseling for her as I honestly don't know what the issue is and it's heartbreaking. She was so so excited for going back to school and now she has spent the day alone Sad

OP posts:
ChanceEncounter · 03/09/2020 21:57

Just to say you can try to help, but you can't really fix this for her. But you are there for her and that is worth a lot. I hope school.can help

Original poster
alwaysupdating · 03/09/2020 22:00

I know i can't fix it and that's what's really upsetting! I'm trying my best to guide her and to let her know she is loved etc! She always has so many knock backs with friends and keeps going and keeps trying and is always enthusiastic, I just hope she doesn't loose that

OP posts:
ChanceEncounter · 03/09/2020 22:05

@alwaysupdating

I know i can't fix it and that's what's really upsetting! I'm trying my best to guide her and to let her know she is loved etc! She always has so many knock backs with friends and keeps going and keeps trying and is always enthusiastic, I just hope she doesn't loose that
I understand why you're upset Flowers

She sounds nice. I really hope it comes good for her soon.

Glitteris · 03/09/2020 22:27

Op my parents were teen parents and my df was black and I went to a private school. I thought this was part of the reason I didn't keep friends until I had my own dc and realised all dc have issues either making friends or keeping them.

My ds currently has an issues with his, at 15 he doesn't want to hang out chatting to girls and smoking weed, which a lot seem to do. So I plan days out with the kids I know their parents and I make sure he has outside activities. Schools can be so hard.

I wouldn't talk to the school as it wouldn't help ana could be embarrassing if others found out.

Best advice is to join extra classes like drama as you said and give it some time, year 9 is usually when added friends are made

diggadoo · 03/09/2020 22:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Nanalisa60 · 03/09/2020 22:37

I’m so sorry for your girl, I just get so upset when I read threads like this, I just think girls can just been so mean. I think the drama classes sound good, maybe you could talk to the year teacher to see if they can think of anything that might help.

Namechangearoon · 03/09/2020 22:39

Does the school have a library?
My experience is that the lonely kids often find each other in places like the library or games clubs.
It is probably worth speaking to her head of year too, they may be able to help.

Doryhunky · 03/09/2020 22:44

My dd struggles with this. She used to just sit in the library. Then she was invited to join the ‘secret book club’ which I think was an invitation only affair aimed at children the librarian had identified as needing a little push!

Original poster
alwaysupdating · 03/09/2020 22:59

Thank you chance - I hope so too. She is so so happy when she has friends and enjoys being sociable, you can really tell the difference in her!

Glitteris - yes school is just very difficult at times.

Diggadoo - glad to hear your dd made new friends when she moved school. I am wondering if a fresh start would work help but then I am also worried she may have the same issues again! What do they do in St John's cadets?

Nana - yes I have emailed the school and will see if they can do anything to help. My poor dd she is so positive and trying to be brave but I know she had an awful day

The library is closed at the moment due to covid restrictions. My dd said she wished it was open. She even said she wished she could sit in the toilets all of break and lunch and read Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysupdating · 03/09/2020 23:00

Dory - I don't think our school does anything like this, did your dd make friends after the secret book club?

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysupdating · 03/09/2020 23:01

So the school are not doing after school activities at the moment due to covid

OP posts:
DramaDromedary · 03/09/2020 23:03

Only to say I really empathise. I always thought, if I had a child who didn’t have friends, I would know why. But I have a 7yo who sounds a lot like your daughter- kind, interesting, friendly- but she just can’t seem to crack the friends thing. It’s so hard to know what to do. Flowers

Onesipmore · 03/09/2020 23:05

Hi there.
How were things previously at School when she was younger.Did she have similar issues or has it got worse since senior school? I would definitely ask her teacher to observe and try and see if they can include her in activities.Is she sporty at all - playing in a team often helps? Hope things improve X

CarelessSquid07A · 03/09/2020 23:10

It's a tough age for those that have friends across the perceived gender boundaries at school.

I found once we were mixed up in year 10 for gcses that I found my tribe so to speak. And still have them 17 years later!

I guess Covid will limit crossing groups and such. I joined all the sports teams and although didnt join the friendship groups it gave me a wider range of people that I knew and talked to each day even if I didnt become part of their group.

I would just try and make lots of arrangements out of school and see if she settles. Cadets is a good option either though school ccf or something like st John's ambulance or sea cadets.

Doryhunky · 03/09/2020 23:14

I think part of my dd issue is that she has an ideal of a friendship being very intense and meaningful rather than just a way of socialising. The secret book club helped a bit.

Namechangearoon · 03/09/2020 23:20

That’s really sad about the library being closed. I am keeping mine open precisely because of the kids who need a safe space.