Help me help my dd with no friends

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My poor dd is only 13 years old, she just started year 9 today and was so excited. She didn't really have any friends last year but even with this in mind she was so excited to get back to school today.

She has been on her own for lunch and breaks today and tried talking to people but said some people just walk away after a little while.

I just don't understand it! She is a lovely kind girl and has good conversation skills etc and I just can't take another year of this at school again.

I don't know what I can do to help her?

Should I contact the school and see if there is anything they can do to help? Should I maybe move her schools if it continues?

I honestly don't know why but she always struggles with having friends and I don't get it. I have asked the lady at her youth club how she gets on with other children there and she said she gets on well with them.

I have friends with children and she gets on well with them I just don't know what the issue is and how I can help!

I can't bare her sitting alone at lunch time and feeling lonely!!

She used to just sit in the library. Then she was invited to join the ‘secret book club’ which I think was an invitation only affair aimed at children the librarian had identified as needing a little push!

Genius!

It's tough, OP. Some kids just don't find their niche very easily. My first few years at secondary were truly shit socially, but I found my people in the sixth form and life was very different after that.

I still don't really know what the problem was for me in the early years. I was very shy, and I suspect that my social skills were pretty limited. I wish the school or my parents had intervened to help somehow, as it has left me with an ongoing sense of inadequacy in social situations, even though I do have plenty of friends now. It's like a little part of me is still afraid of feeling that loneliness and isolation all over again.

You can't fix the problem for her by making the other kids want to hang out with her, but you can try to help her to understand that it isn't a reflection on who she is, rather just that she hasn't found the right people yet. Nurture those out of school friendships to help her to see that she can get on with others just fine. Take any opportunity to build up her social skills - encourage self awareness, empathy and an interest in others. And have a quiet word with the school about any subtle interventions that they can put in place to help - they might actually surprise you!

Awww I had a really hard time at secondary school and went through a whole year of eating my lunch in the toilets ( unsanitary I know but wanted to hide away). It did all change in Y10 when I found my people and it was literally one girl who asked my to go sit with her group for lunch.
Is there a girls netball group locally? We have one near us and I saw all the girls meeting up a few weeks ago and it struck me how nice and friendly they all looked. I've signed my dd up to it as I'd like her to make friends like that. I'd try and get her to go as many extra curricular things as you can manage, she's bound to meet someone who goes to her school also that she can forge a connection with.
Bless you both

School can be so rough
Wishing the best for your dd

It may well be the very fact that she has boys as friends. Is ine of them the school heartthrob? Could be some jealousy. Is she pretty? A hard cross to bear, particularly because she is so lovely with it.

Ask her who at school she would like to be friends with. Does she see herself fitting into a particular group?

On my first day at a new school I was given a mentor. She bullied me all day and got others to bully me, too, cheeky twat. I didn't give a shit, though, because I knew who I was and my out of school friendship group was strong. I ignored their (attempts at) bullying and decided who I would fit in with most and focused on getting to know them. I struck up conversation by asking them questions about schoolwork. The cool girl ended up doing my homework, willingly. Just the once, mind, I was a bit busy with a boy at the time...swoon.

Your daughter's sense of self is probably strong thanks to you. for both of you x

Oh I feel your pain so much . My dd now 14 was like this too 😥. It was very hard to watch it broke my heart .
Kids nowadays are so different to us when we were growing up . My daughter is a tough cookie though 💗 she's actually very empathic and sometimes its to her detriment (she gets used ) well she used to .
In the end I changed her school at her request she just felt out of place . Well she has flourished and now has a wide circle of friends, it didn't happen straight away and she went through a few knocks (hanging around with people who were just nosey and wanted to know why she moved etc..
My 2 cents would be to change schools as time goes on she will be more deflated, I'd give her a fresh start it might be just what she needs

My foster son has lots of friends out of school as he plays a lot of sport and is in competitive cricket, and swimming teams. He found the sports training brought the kids together. At school he only has two friends and they are in different sets to him so he only sees them at lunch and break. Now with Covid and the bubbles he won't get to see them as lunch must be eaten in class.