How to return to blissful happiness

[Bryyy]

My relationship is good but it used to be great. The spark is still there and I can still feel it. He admits that it's mostly him and that he needs to work on being more attentive and making an effort to not just want to watch TV and cuddle.

We're both tir d all the time since I went back to work FT and the house is a mess. He had a go at me about a month ago about the state of the house and since then things went downhill. They're stable at the moment and after last night's chat I believe they're better but I just want to be as happy as I used to be.

Work out a schedule for both of you or hire some help?
What housework is mostly important like laundry and dishes
The rest does it really matter.
Priorities of being happy and functioning over housework is my newfound thinking
Buying extra socks yesterday for my unfolded laundry cos who really cares

That's how I am. There are much more important things than a clean house. But unfortunately he's not of the same school of thought. I'm thinking of getting a mum's helper (or whatever they're called).

Seriously!?
He thinks all the housework is your responsibility.
Put a rocket up his arse and hand him a duster !

No, he doesn't think it's only my job he does it too but somehow he thought he did more than me.
Our tolerance to mess is very different.

That was more than six weeks ago and since then not a word has been said about it.

How long have you been together? Does he have a point about the housework? Or do you do more than him?, woukd a rota for tidying and a cleaner for the rest solve the problem? Do you have children?

It's been almost 4 years now. The who cleans the most I think is subjective I think I do more but I'm fine with giving the benefit of the doubt that it's about the same, so we'll call it even. I've told him about the rota or task list a million times but he doesn't want to and yes we have a 10 month old and 3 older children that are here PT.

Oh right okay, I get your point now about being exhausted, that's a lot on. I'm like you, housework isn't my forte, I use a rota religiously to motivate me. I print it off monthly so I can tick off jobs when they are done. I am very happy ticking off jobs. ( I just realised I might have a very small and pathetic life ha)....

So how do you organise jobs?... In my house we do the dishes together ( one wash, one dry always), I wash and dry laundry and put everything that doesn't need ironed away, my husband does the ironing that needs done ... I dust and he hoover's.... I do the bathrooms and he's responsible for cleaning countertops and the cooker/ fridge. It means we know what we are responsible for. We are both responsible for general tidying.....everything else I do ( change bedding, make beds, cleaning windows, clean floors etc, but he does more DIY than me and works longer hours). I think a more detailed discussion about routines and responsibilities would help. Housework is a depressing thing to argue about.... I'm like you , I really could see it all far enough but it's one of life's necessities.

Why is he having a go at you then?

My DH thought he did the same as me until we both kept a list of things we had done over the course of a week.
His had about 6 things on and mine was like War and Peace.😂

Can you do something like that to look at fair division of tasks?

I think the whole thing is because we have very different concepts of "tidy". I used to leave my yoga mat out as I used it every day. He's the type that you put it away. Seeing that may there was annoying him but he never said a word until then. He also thought that when I was on ML I wasted a lot of my time and could do more things around the house which is true he might have had a point. He tends to do the deep cleans and I do the maintenance so to speak. But I'd never clean the skirting boards for example and to him that's basic cleaning.

Oh gosh, when you mentioned the skirting boards I just had a flashback to when I used to work as a cleaner when I was a student and I had to clean the skirting boards. I'm like you, my house would be a complete midden if it was up to me. I bought this tool years ago to clean cornices and skirting boards but it's currently collecting dust in the cleaning cupboard! Maternity leave isnt for deep cleaning so I wouldn't feel guilty about that at all.

It depends where you left your yoga matt to be honest... If it was in a shared space you should put it away, if it was a space allocated for you to do yoga it makes sense to leave it. Why create work for yourself? . My husband bought a spin bike at the start of lockdown and it's driving me crazy sat in the living room all the time ( a bit harder to move but still....)

What if he got one room in the house you agree to both keep clean and tidy to his standards and the rest you just do your best with? It can be hard when you've got different standards.

Yes it's the different standards that has been the main problem. Because I think I've done my best and think it's fine but it isn't for him.

But cleaning aside I think something else is missing.

Sorry, I turned it into a cleaning thread.... What else is missing do you think?

He also thought that when I was on ML I wasted a lot of my time and could do more things around the house

Was he not aware that you were on maternity leave as you had just had a baby? The house must really be a tip if he cannot notice an extra child living there.

You mention 3 other DC there part time, so presumably his from another relationship. Is this your first DC? I think he is being too hard on you and you need time to find your feet again, you just had a baby (even if he failed to notice)

I’m a yoga-mat-out-what-baseboards type of person too. I’ve found this blog and podcast very helpful

It sounds to me like your relationship has moved past the honeymoon stage, where you start to see each other’s faults and endearing quirks become profound irritations! It passes. Imo intimacy is built on communication so try and find a time everyday to chat. Dh rings me during his commute. At home there are endless distractions, interruptions, hobbies and Netflix. But we always have that 30-40 minutes chat. It’s not particularly deep but it’s far easier to broach issues with each other without it becoming a big thing.

Don't worry Daisy! It's nice to have a conversation :) He sometimes has odd behaviours but that doesn't really bother me as in the end he spends all of his free time with me and is never locking himself in the bathroom etc...

We're both very tired and that really hasn't helped. He puts all the blame on my workload. I still feel loved and appreciated and everything but like I told it's like our lives were in 4K and now they're down to standard HD still good but not as it used to be.

We're definitely having less sex but again we're always tired.

Pay for help if you can

Unfortunately we really can't afford any proper extra help. I'm thinking of hiring a local student but I don't know if they'd work for £6 ph

@Bryyy

Depends where you live. I live in Scotland and when I was a student I worked as a cleaner and I'd definitely have worked cleaning houses for the equivalent of £6 an hour. As it was I cleaned really dirty offices in a big factory for a lot less than that.
Don't be afraid to advertise.

It might depress you a little but having an HD relationship with a ten month baby and after the year we have all had with lockdown etc.... It's probably a lot better than what a lot of couples would have. I've had times when the sex was much rarer than others, the tiredness in your situation is natural and a genuine reason for the sex to decline , I think maybe as your little one gets bigger things will turn around again. Looking back at my marriage the really constants that matter were talking a lot, and laughing a lot. I would work on these as everything else comes from communication being open and easy.

We're in the west country where jobs aren't that easy to find so I'm a bit hopeful someone might take it. As long as they do very basic things I think it will massively help.

I know in general I really can't complain and as much as he's not perfect I've always idolised our relationship and now that it isn't that way it's been affecting me a bit more (to the extent that I can't listen to certain music because it reminds me of how we used to be).

He's extremely receptive and always listens to me. He never tells me I'm crazy or that I'm magnifying/exaggerating.

I know that even if it were to stay this way it's still satisfying.

You both work Full-Time but somehow it’s YOUR responsibility that the house is a mess? That’s bad enough but he had a go at you for it?

Why is he not with the mother(s) of his other children?

He's not blaming me for the mess but thinks I'm too relaxed about it (which I am) . My ex husband is messiest person I know and I learned to stop caring during our marriage.

He on the other hand divorced for many reasons (similar to mine) but one was that she's OTT about cleaning which the children can confirm. The irony I know.

He sometimes has odd behaviours but that doesn't really bother me

What are these odd behaviours and should they bother you?

What's jumping out at me from your posts is that he's not happy with what you do or don't do and seems to be putting all the responsibility onto you.

You were initially asking how to be blissfully happy again. Well, the initial rush of a new relationship wears off in all relationships in time. It sounds to me like it's a little more respect and consideration from him would be a good start, do you think? Perhaps even some 'help'?

My exh used to say he was really upset about the housework and it now being done. Pretended that he did more than me, and that I was really messy and it got him down. We both always worked full time except when I had two short mat leaves (we were both self employed for a long time).

We ended up going to couples therapy where again he maintained the only issue was the housework, how messy I was, how it stressed him out.

So we made a rota with time slots for when we’d each do certain housework - he did this once, and then completely abandoned the whole idea. I carried on doing what I was meant to do.

So that hadn’t worked so I suggested that instead of time slots we’d divide up jobs - you’ll be shocked to hear that my jobs got done and his didnt.

we are now divorced. My house, though not pristine, is generally fine and always clean even if not tidy. I have the kids most of the time. His is an absolute unhygienic shit pit.

The cleaning was an absolute stick to beat me with and an excuse to be in a mood all the time. Yes, we all feel more relaxed in a perfectly tidy house but it was definitely not me not pulling my weight!

So just a word of warning about men who claimed to be depressed by their partner’s lack of cleaning or who claim to be doing it all!

Like I said he DOES help and it's debatable who does more (I think it's me simply because I spend more time at home) but it's really hard to know. On our day to day he does one load of dishes and I do another one. He takes the rubbish out but I do recycling but if the two I'm the one who doesn't care about it being tidy (like de Yoga mat) or of I see paper on the floor I might or might not pick it up. So I can see where he's coming from.

Most of his FB friends are women and I can see they comment on his photos but I have no clue who they are. I know he sometimes chats with them but I also chat with my male friends. He always deletes all conversations but that's regardless of who he's been chatting to. I've told him I'm.bot bothered but I do find it odd. We have a friend in common and though her I know all convos are about how's the family/children.

Honestly I think being easy going over a bit of mess is a positive trait, I take you're not in an upcoming episode of hoarders ( I used to watch that to motivate myself, which worked great until I started thinking any level of mess was better than that so I ended up doing less .... I don't watch it anymore)

Anyway, maybe ... Could you be seeing him differently because you're realising he's the sort of person who really cares about clean skirting boards and that's made you realise you aren't quite as well matched as you thought?

I am a little concerned that he says his ex was OTT about cleaning and you are too easygoing.... Who is he? the Goldilocks of household management?
Just a joke.....

I think you have idealised him and the relationship and that isn't good. He's not perfect but nobody is.

I just had a thought. And obviously this could be totally wrong, just I had a similar thing happen to me in my marriage , I went to counselling and I realised I was pulling away slightly because I was experiencing a fear of intimacy. The proper true, gritty intimacy you get when you're in a longer relationship with children. That's just a thought and you can bat it away if it doesn't fit.