How to return to blissful happiness

[Bryyy]

My relationship is good but it used to be great. The spark is still there and I can still feel it. He admits that it's mostly him and that he needs to work on being more attentive and making an effort to not just want to watch TV and cuddle.

We're both tir d all the time since I went back to work FT and the house is a mess. He had a go at me about a month ago about the state of the house and since then things went downhill. They're stable at the moment and after last night's chat I believe they're better but I just want to be as happy as I used to be.

Goldilocks that maybe laugh so much Daisy! But you're right. When we had that argument he said how annoying it was that yoga mat... And how it annoyed him every day. So in a way it broke my heart that I was able to annoy him every day.

What I find a bit odd about this is that you have a 10 month old baby and he is blaming everyone's tiredness on your job. My DCs are both in their teens but as I recall the early years of child-rearing are incredibly tiring even if, at a given moment, you're not actually doing anything.

I'm not saying that he should blame your baby, as such, but surely having a small baby is a big factor in your general tiredness. But perhaps he has forgotten just how much work is involved given that he thought you should be keeping the house clean on mat leave.

And actually - the early child-rearing phase puts stress on even the strongest of relationships. Before we had ours, a friend prepared us for the impact on our relationship by directing us to think about how we related to each other when we were both at our most tired and strung out and explaining that that was how we would be relating to each other for the next year or so at least. It was actually very helpful to be forewarned of that.

So you might find a lot of the shine comes back when you're both getting more sleep and perhaps managing to have a bit more time to yourselves, as long as your partner is also properly pulling his weight with the LO.

I don't think it's so much that he blames being tired to me going back to work but he thout that's when things were going to go downhill (in terms of tidiness). He's tired because he has a physically demanding job and cycles to work that's a no brainer.

Before this argument yes he got annoyed about the house or how I do the dishes etc.. but it never felt personal, this last time it did and that's what I think "broke the spell" at least partially.

He has said that we do need some time together and a lot of our "free" time is being eaten by my work.

Your partner sounds like he is being a bit immature about all this. Of course work eats into free-time. Adults' lives are full of commitments that eat into free time. His work eats into free time as much as yours does, presumably, so why is it your work which is the issue? Why does his take priority? It sounds like there could be some rather sexist attitudes emerging here.

And it would actually be the same if you were an SAHP because you would be busily engaged with your child for much of the time but you would have to rely on him for your income. Is he working up to suggesting you give up your job? That's great if you're happy to be an SAHP and can trust him to support you properly and not keep you short of funds, but it would be a serious mistake if you aren't.

You mention that your partner has older children who are with you part-time. You recover a lot of free time when your children are older - particularly if they only live with you part-time - which is completely eaten up when your child is little. I'm beginning to wonder whether your partner had forgotten just how all-consuming having a young child is and is resenting your attention being diverted to someone other than him.

I think too that your partner isn't maybe realising how much you are giving, you have a ten month old baby, you work full time and it sounds like you fully welcome his older children into the home as a family but yet he is focusing on these small issues.

I don't know.... Could he be stressed? My husband gets fixated on things when he's stressed. It's still not an excuse though. His stress isn't more important than your feelings. . I would talk to him about it, tell him you're upset about the comment he made about the yoga matt.

Oh and if cycling to work every day takes away his energy for you and your child then he needs to stop it and use public transport or drive, this is the sort of things you have to do when you're a parent with a young child. You don't get to use your energy on yourself and then say you're too tired to pull your weight.

I don't really want to lay into him because there aren't any deal breakers. It just sounds that you are doing a lot of the supporting in this relationship and it doesn't sound fair.

Before the baby ( and Covid for that matter) o worked normal office hours and life was more balanced. He'd make the lunches, do some of the school runs etc. Now I WFH, with flexible hours so baby isn't in childcare all the time (I make up the time over the weekends /evenings), he's temporarily lost his license (so no school runs). It has come to a point where I have to reduce my hours because it's impossible to do school runs (with their staggered starting points) , work FT and have some free time.

"Oh and if cycling to work every day takes away his energy for you and your child then he needs to stop it and use public transport or drive, this is the sort of things you have to do when you're a parent with a young child. You don't get to use your energy on yourself and then say you're too tired to pull your weight."

^This. I do think your partner had forgotten how all-consuming the early years of parenthood are and he is failing to make sufficient adjustments to your new life. It's not surprising the shine is coming off your relationship.

Yes Daisy he does get stressed (about the state of the house nonetheless!) And then he explodes instead of gradually do something about it. None of it is a proper deal breaker it really isn't, and before the driving incident it was an ongoing chat of who would reduce their working hours to look after the baby.

Be v careful here.

It seems that YOU are doing back flips to keep this show on the road.

Why have YOU changed all of your FT working hours so that your can look after your joint child and his 3xDCs and end up working weekends and evenings?

How did he lose his licence? And why has it now become your burden?

What happens when he explodes? I'm assuming it's a turn of phrase but what happens... Is it a conversation that gets heated? Or does it come from nowhere? How do you feel afterwards?

It has only happened twice. If day he gets "triggered" and then just goes on and on about the same thing. It never gets properly heated (apart from last time and even then it could be debatable) no name calling or anything. It's just the intensity of it that get to me.

It was a work incident (an inspector caught him driving a vehicle he didn't have a license for). He works in a very rural area with no public transport links, he can't WFH whereas I can, that's why it has become so unbalanced in that way. But he's always grateful if what I do. We've only had this argument twice (plus a mini one during lockdown) in our whole relationship.

Not all three children are his one is mine so I still have to do the school runs, etc...

@Bryyy

Goldilocks that maybe laugh so much Daisy! But you're right. When we had that argument he said how annoying it was that yoga mat... And how it annoyed him every day. So in a way it broke my heart that I was able to annoy him every day.

Your DH doesnt sound very nice but surely if something annoys the other partner you stop doing it? The whole spell has been broken thing is very odd. Ive never romanticized my relationships in that way

I obviously stopped doing it but he never told me it annoyed him. He thought it was common sense (which obviy wasn't for me).

I don't see how you can think he's not very nice when we've had 2 arguments (both about cleaning) during our entire relationship. And yes I admit I romanticise my relationship and thus why I'm partly the problem.

OP its the triggered comment.
If you have only had 2 arguments and both times he has exploded it sounds like there is a communication issue but also possibly you romanticized your relationship and now the cracks are showing.
Your OP states "how to return to blissful happiness"
This is how it feels in the early days and then you get to know each other, there are ups and downs and periods of difficulty and stress.
Working through them together makes you stronger or you split if it cant be resolved.
Just expecting it to go back to how it was is a bit avoidant really.

We had a pretty good run and we had been through a few things before. My redundancy, losing his license, a miscarriage and things were just as fine.