Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Would you ever/have you ever turned a blind eye to a partner cheating?

35 replies

SoulofanAggron · 03/09/2020 00:52

It seems that my ex's wife is aware he's a perpetual multiple cheat, but turns a blind eye to it.

I was thinking I would have more self-esteem than that and would dump any partner I had who cheated ASAP, thanks to Mumsnet.

But then I was thinking that I did have an ex who cheated on me and I kind of knew but didn't do anything much. I was in love with him I guess, so I put up with it. I split up with him in the end for other reasons (but related I suppose- he was a sexual abuser.)

Has turning blind eye to affairs ever happened to you or someone you know?

I don't mean like you forgave them, but that you didn't confront them over it/let it slide despite not being happy with it.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2020 02:16

AFAIK I've never been cheated on (or I'm incredibly naive). It would be an absolute deal breaker for me no ifs, ands, or buts. Luckily DH feels the same.

But yes, I have known someone to turn a blind eye to numerous affairs. She was devastated by the first one but forgave him. Then the second one happened, more forgiveness. But after the third one he had killed any feelings she had for him and she made a conscious decision to stay for the children and the lifestyle he could provide, so she 'on the surface' forgave him again. He's been 'fairly' discreet (#3 was 20-odd years ago) although I'm sure she knows of more since then that she's not told me about. And I think he thinks she doesn't know anything after #3.

I wouldn't say she's been unhappy per se, because she really has no feelings for him, in her mind it's a 'business deal'. She enjoys a very comfortable life, holidays, expensive (guilt) gifts, etc. She's built her life around her children/grandchildren and clubs, friends, etc. He isn't abusive (except the affairs) and is as good a dad/grandad as the next man. It's not a decision I would have made, but it works for her and she seems at peace with it. Has she ever missed being actually loved the way a wife should be loved by her husband? I really don't know and I'd never ask her.

The only 'vindictive' thing I've ever heard her say was that if he ever needs care she's putting him in the cheapest home she can find and leaving him there.

PamDemic · 03/09/2020 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/09/2020 07:08

I know a couple of women who have forgiven their DHs after long standing affairs.

However in one of the marriages, the rot had set in and they divorced about 5 years later.

Interesting though to read about the DW above who stays with her serial adulterer DH because of money and lifestyle even though she doesn't love him. Is it not equally as morally repugnant to stay in a marriage with someone you despise just for money? Difficult one...

haveagoodyear · 03/09/2020 07:11

Depends really. If I were stuck with kids and he had money I wouldn't give a fuck. I'd use him and milk him for every penny whilst planning an escape by the time the kids leave home.

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 03/09/2020 07:23

I ignored red flags because I trusted him, in hindsight it was turning a blind eye but the lies were too ridiculous to believe.
It was easier to not start an argument - he could be a c--t when confronted.
My advice would be get out at the first sign of shit, it's less painful.

category12 · 03/09/2020 07:45

I think people who stay for the lifestyle are relying on the cheating spouse keeping their side of the bargain by not leaving them for any of the affair partners. But how can you really trust that they won't fall for someone enough to explode the marriage at some point?

Justanotherfaceinthecrowd · 03/09/2020 07:46

Unfortunately I was one of the ones who turned a blind eye. 3 times. We had a newborn baby. Eventually he left me for another woman. I wish I had loved him less, loved myself more and got rid of him on my own terms.

Branleuse · 03/09/2020 07:51

it would totally depend on how happy I was in my relationship and how much attention I was getting. My dealbreaker is feeling unloved and feeling like a mug or being lied to.

I have thought about this a lot over the years and tbh, the actual physical act of sex is not the deal breaker, because I think id be less likely to forgive an emotional affair than I would a one night stand

poptypingchef · 03/09/2020 08:00

I used to work for someone who was a serial shagger of the staff. I was convinced his wife knew but the other staff said she believed all the explanations he gave. The last one confronted the wife at a party in a drunken stupor and she just shrugged it off and carried on with her night😍. I could understand her wanting to downplay in public but their children were also involved with the business and it didn’t seem that shocked or surprised either.

Namechanged1010 · 03/09/2020 08:09

Yes. A friend from a few years ago. Her husband was older and worked abroad a lot. Lovely lifestyle but as she said to me she wasn't going without sex for months at a time. She was a member of a gym, part of a hotel spa and had a few flings with various men. She was very attractive so always had a lot of attention and as she said...she experienced a lot of variety that she didn't have with him

I cannot think her husband didn't know, although clearly not specifics but turned a blind eye to keep her

GilbertMarkham · 03/09/2020 09:54

I cannot think her husband didn't know, although clearly not specifics but turned a blind eye to keep her

Perhaps he was not "going without sex" while he was working abroad either. And it wouldn't matter how attractive bit not he is, if it's escorts (or he's in a poorer country where women are desperate for a "sponsor").

GilbertMarkham · 03/09/2020 09:58

I've never knowingly stayed on a relationship in which I was cheated on. I have continued (for a time) to see men I was fairly sure were involved with other women in casual, non relationship situations.

In an actual relationship, I don't know if I would ever stay but I do know that id never be faithful to them in that scenario. It would be quite high on my list of priorities to get some sex and fun on the side of my own, I couldn't countenance them having something illicit etc while I didn't. Just my personality.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 03/09/2020 10:04

I know someone who knew for most of her married life that her H cheated on her at various stages . She stayed for the money and the children. However he now has left her for an AP. She is in her 60s and has done a real number on her .

KylieKoKo · 03/09/2020 12:06

I think people get married for different reasons. If you believe your spouse to be the love of your life and they cheat it would be a devastating blow and hard to live with. If, on the other hand someone "settled" (for want of a better word) for someone who could provide a lifestyle they couldn't attain on their own and shared goals such as having a family i can imagine that a discreet affair could be less devastating.

Every relationship is different and fidelity isn't as important to some people as others.

PicsInRed · 03/09/2020 12:41

Sometimes the habitual chester is also a domestic abuser who has already threatened to take the kids and/or violence and/or homelessness if she leaves, so she already decided she has no way out.

After all, if you think about it, nice men don't publicly humiliate their wives like this. That wife smiling and shrugging her shoulders is probably putting on a good front to try to keep the wolves from the door.

They know and yes it does hurt.

Original poster

SoulofanAggron · 03/09/2020 13:03

She has her own money, more than he has at the moment. She has a good job. He claims her inheritance is part of why he stays with her.

Friends have heard him being really nasty to her on the phone when she just rang to ask where some papers were, as she was doing his accounts for him.

If she buys him Xmas or birthday presents, he often tells her they're crap.

He has a health condition that means he has to watch the volume of what he eats and she will measure out his food meticulously and label it 'spaghetti bolognese 200g' etc.

His own mother was supposedly awful, so I think maybe she's like a mother figure to him. He is a narc, so my belief is she's really under the thumb/in his thrall. People say she waits on him hand and foot. She seems to be another vulnerable woman he's exploiting.

In the meantime, he spends every possible minute chatting up as many women as he can.

What a way to live, like chattel. Of course, these are just my assumptions.

I like to think I'd have some of the Mumsnet spirit and bin any man that cheated on me now.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 03/09/2020 13:09

She has her own money, more than he has at the moment. She has a good job. He claims her inheritance is part of why he stays with her.

From the subsequent comments, it's clear that he would drag her arse over face though family court and take a chunk of that money from her (and possibly the kids).

Abusive ones make leaving as horrendous as possible. If he's emotionally abused her down to a nub of a person (and this is only the parts you've witnessed, it will be worse behind closed doors) it's likely she no longer has the mental strength to leave. That's not her failing, it's his doing.

2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 03/09/2020 13:14

I did the first time and he took it as permission to just keep doing it, he finally admitted (when DS was 10 months old) that he’d slept with three other people while I was pregnant/had a new baby and god knows how many while we were together before I was pregnant

Original poster

SoulofanAggron · 03/09/2020 13:24

Yes, she does seem very low in self-esteem.

All evening/day he's at this messaging other women, I imagine she's in another room (he could retire to the bedroom 'because of his health' to do all his messaging etc, also they have one of those houses where they have two living rooms so he could go in the other one.) And we know from these boards that it's not rare for these men to even be in the same room and still constantly messaging other women.

They don't have DC. You make a good point that she probably doesn't want to lose half her money. I suppose they could live separately/she could boot him out and he wouldn't be entitled to anything unless they divorced?

Maybe as PP's say she's happy with this set up. It could get him off her back and mean she doesn't get nagged for sex quite as much.

At the end of the day I don't know their in's and outs, I just know he lies to a lot of women. He doesn't realise she knows or doesn't care enough to leave. He doesn't want her to know as he has 'a lot to lose.' Maybe it would dent his ego to know she doesn't care if he shags other people.

OP posts:

Pollaidh · 03/09/2020 16:10

From the sound of it, it's not really her true choice to stay with him - it would be better to consider her as someone who is not currently able to take steps to save herself, as he is clearly emotionally abusive and has destroyed her self-worth to the extent she doesn't feel she has any option.

This is clearly emotional abuse you have described. And as a PP said, if you are aware of some of this, imagine how awful her life probably is behind closed doors.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2020 17:45

I just know he lies to a lot of women. He doesn't realise she knows or doesn't care enough to leave

I think a lot of them don't leave because they don't want to go from the frying pan into the fire. As long as they're in that 'unhappy marriage' but 'can't leave my wife/children for XYZ reason' they feel 'safe'. They don't have to worry about one of their random shags expecting to marry them. If one of them starts hinting about marriage, they probably fall back on some lame excuse as to why they can't end their marriage.

A couple of posts have made me wonder if my friend has 'sought comfort' elsewhere herself. She knows how I feel about cheating so I'm sure she'd never tell me on her own and I'll never ask. But I can't say I'd blame her if she had.

Original poster

SoulofanAggron · 05/09/2020 01:09

@AcrossthePond55 Sorry, my sentence was kind of incomprehensible even to me lol. I think I meant she doesn't care enough what he gets upto for his antics to mean she ends the marriage.

She knows how I feel about cheating so I'm sure she'd never tell me on her own and I'll never ask. But I can't say I'd blame her if she had.

I wuld totally be asking. At least after some cocktails.

OP posts:

Dastardlythefriendlymutt · 05/09/2020 01:42

Honestly it depends.

If we have a genuine friendship and relationship and his only flaw is cheating. Not a gas lighting, verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative cunt. But a genuinely good husband and father otherwise and we have comfortable life I would most likely turn a blind eye to it. We couldn't really have an active sex life as I draw the line there. But I'm okay with companionship and a partner, as long as we are an actual team. There can't be a visible decline in any aspect of my life because you are having an affair. And if it wasn't thrown in my face, yes.

Dastardlythefriendlymutt · 05/09/2020 01:46

What you describe OP is untenable. Noone should live like that. Your friend is being abused.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2020 02:32

@SoulofanAggron

That's where my friend is, she just doesn't care enough to end the marriage (plus what she'd lose in lifestyle).

I admit this thread has made me curious. But she's such a good friend (as in caring, dependable, always 'there' for her friends) that I think in the end I don't want to know because I'm afraid it might change the way I 'see' her in a small way. Plus I don't want to put her in the position where she might feel she has to lie to me.

I think this is a case of 'ignorance is bliss.'

Flip

1 2