Would you ever/have you ever turned a blind eye to a partner cheating?

[SoulofanAggron]

It seems that my ex's wife is aware he's a perpetual multiple cheat, but turns a blind eye to it.

I was thinking I would have more self-esteem than that and would dump any partner I had who cheated ASAP, thanks to Mumsnet.

But then I was thinking that I did have an ex who cheated on me and I kind of knew but didn't do anything much. I was in love with him I guess, so I put up with it. I split up with him in the end for other reasons (but related I suppose- he was a sexual abuser.)

Has turning blind eye to affairs ever happened to you or someone you know?

I don't mean like you forgave them, but that you didn't confront them over it/let it slide despite not being happy with it.

I know someone whose husband cheated on her with a young girl when he was working away.

The girl got pregnant and took him to the CSA and that's when it all came out.

He packed in his job and is wife had to go full time at work just to keep the roof over their heads.

Everybody knew about it. The gossip was rife.

She came to me and cried. I asked her what she was going to do about it and she said nothing because she loved him.
That was her decision. I thought she was brave.

@GilbertMarkham

I've never knowingly stayed on a relationship in which I was cheated on. I have continued (for a time) to see men I was fairly sure were involved with other women in casual, non relationship situations.

In an actual relationship, I don't know if I would ever stay but I do know that id never be faithful to them in that scenario. It would be quite high on my list of priorities to get some sex and fun on the side of my own, I couldn't countenance them having something illicit etc while I didn't. Just my personality.

Sorry if someone else has asked this but I've not RTFT yet. Out of interest, would you hide it if you had had sex with someone else or would you kind of flaunt it to the cheating partner?

I dont think anyone can honestly say what they would do unless they had been in the situation. It's so easy to think 'I'd never put up with that, I'd chuck him out if he ever cheated' etc you can't just throw out your spouse if they refuse to leave. But the reality is that that it's far more complicated than that.

I imagine that if the wounded party never saw it coming and was blindsided, then their natural response may be to try to preserve the life they thought they knew so they can feel 'safe' again. Then comes denial, the refusal to acknowledge their emotional response and accept the true meaning of what has happened.
Doing these things may make the wronged spouse feel in control again and it may seem like it's easier to try to put it behind them and move on rather than rip the life they knew apart. Once everything is calm again it seems too extreme and hard to end things. When the cheater does it again the spouse will likely do the same because that's the least painful option. And so the cycle continues.

Meanwhile the cheater is either trying to convince them to believing they are sorry, it was a moment of weakness etc, gaslighting them into believing they are somehow to blame or just completely unapologetic. In the case of the unapologetic cheater, they will be abusive too so their spouse will have been 'trained' to accept their behaviour.

Who here could honestly say that if they found out tomorrow their partner had cheated they would leave immediately?

I had a boyfriend at uni who dumped me for my former best friend. She literally never spoke to me again but for some reason he and I remained on cordial terms (I was very young), and we did the same sport so I guess it made things easier.

They got married and had children and he got a job in a different city from where I lived. One day after a 10k, he made some excuse that he had to come back to my flat for a shower before driving home. I was recently seperated so living alone, and bemused, I allowed this. Of course, he tried it on with me and I turned him down.

Over the course of time, a few people told me that he regularly cheated on his wife - he would stay with his single friend to save the commute every day and they would go to nightclubs and bring women back to shag for ONSs. Apparently, they were both very prolific and not very discerning.

The friend asked me out too, and I also declined! Pair of creeps. Of course, I still remember the ex as that young, relatively innocent 21 year old and it's sad to see someone turn into such a sleaze.

There is no way that my former best friend doesn't know what her husband is like, so she must deliberately turn a blind eye to it. She also earns a lot more than him and was given a house by her parents, so probably doesn't want to risk losing it in a divorce settlement!

I think it's a case of weighing up the pros v the cons .

This will be different for everyone.

Op, you seem awfully invested in your ex and his wife’s marriage, listing off what occurs between them. It feels a bit weird to be so heavily interested. Is there a back story here?

@SoulofanAggron

Yes, she does seem very low in self-esteem.

All evening/day he's at this messaging other women, I imagine she's in another room (he could retire to the bedroom 'because of his health' to do all his messaging etc, also they have one of those houses where they have two living rooms so he could go in the other one.) And we know from these boards that it's not rare for these men to even be in the same room and still constantly messaging other women.

They don't have DC. You make a good point that she probably doesn't want to lose half her money. I suppose they could live separately/she could boot him out and he wouldn't be entitled to anything unless they divorced?

Maybe as PP's say she's happy with this set up. It could get him off her back and mean she doesn't get nagged for sex quite as much.

At the end of the day I don't know their in's and outs, I just know he lies to a lot of women. He doesn't realise she knows or doesn't care enough to leave. He doesn't want her to know as he has 'a lot to lose.' Maybe it would dent his ego to know she doesn't care if he shags other people.

You're doing a lot of guessing here . I recognise your name from various threads . Is your therapy not helping you deal with moving on?

Depends really. If I were stuck with kids and he had money I wouldn't give a fuck. I'd use him and milk him for every penny whilst planning an escape by the time the kids leave home.

I know 2 women who are openly doing this. Their female friends know they are doing it and, in one case, are helping her siphon off money. It seems a lot of unnecessary drama to me but in both cases the women have no income/career of their own, so I suppose have less choice than I would have and tbh both the men are ruthless shits who would shaft them (lots of dodgy money, hidden assets, expensive lawyers etc) so they probably feel it's their only option. They openly talk about trying to get as much as possible (new car, new house in their name, school/university fees paid etc) before the men actually go off with a younger woman. I couldn't live like that but many seem to.

The girl got pregnant and took him to the CSA and that's when it all came out. He packed in his job and is wife had to go full time at work just to keep the roof over their heads.
I asked her what she was going to do about it and she said nothing because she loved him.

@Anordinarymum Each to their own I suppose, but I hope your friend does get rid of him. If he had a fling then that's one thing, but his response wasn't thinking of your friend at all, and left her to support them financially. He sounds a bit crap all round.

you can't just throw out your spouse if they refuse to leave

@Evilwasps True, that.

Op, you seem awfully invested in your ex and his wife’s marriage, listing off what occurs between them. It feels a bit weird to be so heavily interested. Is there a back story here?

@Bluntness100 I suppose I was surprised at first that she didn't do anything. Thinking about it, maybe he lied and told her doctors told him he only had a few years to live, as he did to me, so she thinks it's not worth the upheaval to do anything if he's going to die in a few years anyway. He is ill, but they wouldn't be told that with that condition, as they can live any amount of time in theory. Hey ho.

I was a bit shocked to realize that with a previous ex I had been the one to let his cheating etc slide. Think I didn't have many people in my life at the time, so thought I didn't have an option but to keep seeing him. Nowadays I'm a bit less reliant on having people around.

This is a really interesting thread. My mum turned a blind eye to my father's affair and when I was growing up I always wondered why. It seemed so simple to me - he had cheated, made her sad and unhappy, betrayed her - why didn't she just leave? I just didn't understand where she was coming from.

At the time of the affair I was 12, my twin brother & sister had just turned 2. Mum had them at the age of 39, and she was really tired just trying to look after them. I realized much much later in life, after having my own children that she couldn't face the reality of calling him out on his affair at that time in her life, and risk splitting up the family. She was just about coping, trying to hold everything together. Despite his affair, dad was a great dad and very hands on with us as children. Mum went back to work, full time, when the twins were 1 yrs old, so dad looked after them in the day. They also worked together as a good team, dad cooked, they swapped household chores. They argued as well, but they worked well as a family unit.

I think mum was just all about surviving and pulling the family through - and this meant sacrificing her own happiness for the wider good. I do of course feel sorry for her, but looking back, I do also see why she consciously chose to ignore his infidelity.

The affair fizzled out after a year or so and mum and dad are still together. They're not intimate, but there's something there. They worked it through and decided, somehow that they were better off together than going their separate ways.