I'm so scared of being a single mum

[CatLina]

Hi all,

I'm new to Mumsnet and I decided I'd join and write this post because I'm feeling really low today and depressed. After 8 years together the father of my 2 year old ended it with me, due to the issues we were having in our relationship. Our relationship was not perfect and maybe toxic, however the good times were good and the bad times were horrendous. He broke up with during lockdown and on top of that found out he was messaging a girl on insta. The break up has affected me to the point where I'm scared to live with just my daughter. At th moment I'm living with my sister and I'm looking for places to move to but I've never lived without him.To top of off we've tried to be mature and only speak about our daughter but I end up getting the wrong impression and think that there's a chance we could get back together. It seems like he doesn't want to be with me. It makes me feel soo upset, I always wanted to grow up having both parents as my dad passed away when I was small and mum passed when I was teenager. Family is so important to me and now without him I feel I can't go on. Ive suffered with anxiety for years and I'm currently getting help for it however the split feels like a major loss in my life. Talking to him on the phone about our child, brings back so many emotions. He was like my best friend as well as my partner. I don't know why I have so much anger towards him and I don't know why it feels like its taking me so long to accept we are over. Does anyone have advice?

It will feel like a major loss right now, of course but seriously being a single mum is nothing to be scared of. It can hard work and tiring but also so very rewarding. It doesnt mean your life is going to be an endless struggle. Your situation is just temporary. You need to understand that.

OP, it will take time. It feels horrible at the moment. My H ran off with another woman last year, leaving me with 2 DC's.
He doesn't see them a lot and certainly doesn't provide any childcare.
I spent months and months mulling over it all, feeling like my kids were missing out on a family. And I realised we are a family. We 3 are a family. I promise you there is nothing to be scared of.
you need people to rally, lean on your friends and family and take each day.
I know how it feels when you lose your partner and your best friend all in one go. It is so difficult, I was devastated when my H left me. I felt physical pain it was awful. But I slowly picked myself up, focused on work, the kids, I started to renovate my house, I got a puppy. And me the kids and our puppy are great now. We are really doing well.
I see my Ex and feel nothing for him. You will get there, see the GP about your anxiety. I too suffer with anxiety so I know how you feel.
It will get better.

I'm not sure I'd say it's "taking you so long" - lockdown started less than six months ago, and you'd been together 8 years.

What is it that you're worried about? Try to break it down into specific problems, then you can start to think about what needs to be done to overcome that.

Is it that you don't think you'll have enough money?

Is it the practical things like sorting out bills, ringing the engineer about the boiler, fixing the flush when it makes a funny noise, checking the tyre pressure (NB before anyone starts, these are all things I have been anxious about, and I still wouldn't know how to do one of them)?

Is it the idea of living without another adult?

Is it the idea of being solely responsible for the toddler?

When you know what the issues are, then you can put steps in place.

From your daughter's point of view, she still has both parents in her life even if they don't live together.

It's possible that your own experience of loss has affected you deeply - it's even possible that one reason you're having such trouble with this breakup (more than you think you ought to have) is because it's brought back the emotions related to your parents' deaths. Perhaps you tucked them away because you couldn't deal with them at the time, and now they're latching on to this.

Once you get over the shock and disappointment it is fantastic.

You are probably angry because he hasn't been very nice to you. He doesn't sound like a best friend to me. How did you get the wrong impression about your break up from your conversations? Who has made you feel unable to cope yourself? Having two parents around counts for nothing if their relationship is toxic and one partner is messaging someone else. Yes, there were good times but read your OP again. There were lots of bad ones too.

I remember that feeling so well but the fear and the love do go away with time. Give yourself a break and a chance to be sad.
Being a single mum has its benefits. I was so proud of myself the first time I loaded up our car by myself, drove for 2 hours and set up camp.
Everytime you do something new you build up your confidence.

I come from a broken home too so I wanted a family for my kids but they do have a family. It's just changed. And I'm so relieved they aren't having to watch him treat me disrespectfully.
You will be too that you've escaped the toxicity.

Being a good single mum is far better than being with a dickhead of a father.

You are the only family your DD will need. She will thrive and so will you. Only when you escape from the toxic.

I did it. You will build up your confidence as previous poster said. Being with him will keep you weak. Striding out on your own will make you strong.

You can do this

I remember sobbing in fear at being a single mum. 18 years together.

So scared.

Read @merryhouse post again and again and again. It's spot on because there's something overriding you emotionally. Try to pick out what it is and write it down and talk it out.

Could you afford some counselling to help you through?

When you do something scary, your sense of achievement is out of this world. @Spritesobright has this spot on too. You take small steps and you win and win and win because you did it.

My children don't even see their dad as he committed some crimes. I think this makes it easier because I don't have to factor in his opinion.

Therefore I advise you do not factor too much opinion from your ex unless he goes ABOVE AND BEYOND to be an amazing dad. Be strong if he isn't. He is an adult. He made choices. He will continue to make choices and you are allowed to judge them when it impacts your daughter.

Sometimes a new loss ( which the end of a long term relationship is) can bring up feelings of previous losses.
You lost your parents and that grief must have been so hard to deal with.
When a new loss occurs it's called complicated grief and brings up all the losses you have suffered together.
I would recommend getting in touch with a grief counsellor. Cruise are excellent and they can help you process the cycle and help you get to a place where you can accept your situation.
Sending big hugs

It feels like a massive loss at first and you'll come across a lot of judgement for being a single parent too. I can promise you it does get better and that you'll get stronger.

You are experiencing a huge loss that is stirring feelings from previous trauma. Be kind to yourself at all times and grieve the loss. I raised my daughter from the age of 3. I actually found it liberating after I got over the grief. Her father and I, after the first year of a bit of difficulty, ended up co parenting brilliantly. You can do it and you will do it successfully. What may be a good thing to learn and take away with you is next time you go into a relationship make sure they aren't the be all and end all of your time, happiness and reason to live. You are an individual and gather your happiness and self esteem for yourself. Never rely on anyone else for that. Easier said than done but it made me stronger thinking like that. My daughter is successful, happy and having a great life now as she saw that her mum and dad co parented the best way possible. You will get there I promise you. Keep family and friends close at all times in your dark periods. Also I was never judged being a single parent at any time. I worked hard and raised her the best way possible xx

Once you get past the worry of being a single parent and learn to love your life as such you will be fine.
The months after a separation is that awful feeling lost time. The anger is perfectly normal and part of the process.
Take small steps to find your feet
Go on adventures with your child, be sure to have your own fun possibly a girls night out occasionally
Life will go on and make sure you let it.
Single parents are not so taboo and all I ever think if someone has a issue is
Did you walk in my shoes, No!
Your daughter will adapt and be fine because it is the way it is for her.
You didn't ask for this but you need to make a nice as possible life for your daughter and yourself.

Being a single mum is bloody hard.
It's adulting and parenting on your own with no help and your life is no longer about you, with multiple sacrifices, unless you have good support around you to ease it a bit.

You're right and no one can pretend it isn't tough.

It is however preferable to being in a toxic relationship with an unfaithful partner who is causing you distress, which is ironically harder in some ways.

It is also where you are now, so like every other single parent who didn't have DCs intending to bring them up alone, welcome to the "I didn't chose this" club. It's full of women (& men) that have had to learn to cope. Some find new relationships, some don't. It's an exciting and scary adventure and once you get over the shock, hopefully you'll start to feel more positive that you've got this and you can do it.

Don't be scared. You have got this.
There are good days and bad. Treat each day as a fresh start and if you don't have a good day, the next one isn't far away.

I love the idea of 'an I didn't choose this' club. Most of us didn't.All I can say is that it does get easier as you work out your own routines and make little changes that mean life works. Systems, planning ahead and back ups are v important, as is lowering your standards a bit. Mine are tweens now and currently unsupervised downstairs on screens while I am in the bath. About 3 dinners a week are beige freezer food, with fresh veg. You'll get there. Hopefully you'll work out a decent arrangement with ex and get regular time 'off' too. Its a change in mindset but families are not just a standard shape these days.

I'm a single parent and although it's hard and I didn't choose it when I chose to have dc, our lives are so much better. The dc and I are a family and our definition of a family is as real and valid as anyone else's.

I work full time now, which is a necessity, but I'm enjoying it. Ex is constantly surprised by what I'm achieving on my own.

I've never been negatively judged for being a single mum. On the contrary, I get lots of people telling me how amazingly well I'm doing and how they can't believe my strength.

My dc aren't from a broken home, they are from a fixed home.

I found not being with my childs father very empowering, he had me turned intona shell of who I was and when he left I felt an instant wave of calm and relief. No more worrying about his silent treatment, making me think I was wrong to feel rejected because he was always at the pub ect ect. It was great

I remember the moment I realised my marriage was over. I can still remember the absolute horror and panic while sitting there thinking "I do not want to be a single mum."

That fear kept me there another week but honestly, it was the best thing I've ever done.

It takes time to get used to it; and even now 8 years later, I still feel the judgey comments...but I can't imagine being this happy if I was still with him now. It's damn hard work but you can feel so proud with yourself for everything you achieve!

I put up with so much from my ex because I was scared to be a single mum ,which I really regret .
Its actually easier on an emotional level because there is no one sucking the joy out of my life every day.
On a practical level it is a bit tricky but I've built myself a great support network which helps .
Ex dp does try to be the best dad that he can these days but hes about as much use as a chocolate teapot - ds is happy though

There is no doubt that single parenthood is a hard slog of making all the decisions, doing all the domestic chores, managing homework, being there for the kids, having a job and so many other elements. It is much better than being a lousy relationship though. I left an abusive marriage and have always felt that life improved once I made that decision. Give yourself time to adjust and plan for your new future.

It's just me and DD, and I really like it. It's great just pleasing ourselves. If you have Netflix, I recommend a watch off Gilmore Girls, just as a reminder that a single mother and daughter can be a really enjoyable family set up.

. You’re still raw as it’s so recent and it sounds like he is messing with your head. But it will get better.

Counselling, even talking to samaritans would be a good start. As you’ve struggled with anxiety in the past, maybe speak to your GP about some medication just to get you through the first few months.

Rather than talking to your ex on the phone, can you suggest email instead? Set up a separate email account just for him and then you can check it just when you need to.

As you get into moreof a routine re access then you won’t need to be in touch as much anyway
Make a list of things that make you feel good. Then make sure you do one thing on it each day. And get outside everyday. It’s good for both of you. Try yoga, there’s lots of free programmes on ytube. Yoga by Adrienne has lots of programmes aimed at relieving anxiety and stress. Be kind to yourself

Well, I am now a single mum too.

I don't fully get the judgement - why should I be judged for splitting up with a man? Yes, we had children but that does not mean that we have to be together until one of us dies. It would be great but, surely, not compulsory? Men don't get judged on being divorced and having children. No one says - Oh, he is a single dad, keep away from that trash.. :))

Anyway, to a practical advice - there is an app and Ig account called Frolo. It is a community of single parents of both genders. The inspiration and experience of other people, who are like me but also strong and amazing people - I find it really helps me on tough days. They also organise loads of social things - picnics, walks, Zoom chats, dating etc.

I went for a picnic with a group of Frolo parents a month ago and it was really nice. Everyone in the same boat and supportive of each other.

You just need to find your tribe and then life will seem that little bit easier.

At the moment this huge loss which you didn’t choose I think is being made worse because of what happened to your own parents when you were still only a child.

It is going to take some time to get over.

Whilst the good times together were great you have to counter that with the bad times being horrendous.

All that has happened is you now don’t have to put up with any of the bad times.

I have many single parent friends and they say it is scary and hard work but they wouldn’t change it for the world.
They are so much happier living with just their child/children.

They answer to no one. If they want to go out to eat or get a takeaway or not wash up or stay up late watching what they want to watch on tv then they can.
It is the freedom.

You will get there but it takes time.

Hi, I've just come across this thread (and using/ posting on Mumsnet for the first time) and wondering how the OP is doing 4 years down the line?

I am terrified of what the future would look like if I were to leave my partner. But I think the time has come. I can't do it anymore. I am so broken.