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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unreasonable expectations?

34 replies

SerialStitcher · 02/09/2020 15:43

I'm not sure if I have unreasonable expectations or not.
I started a new job today (albeit still working from home), and had to start a bit earlier than DH (I started at 8.30am, he was starting work at 10am). No children yet, so wouldn't usually begrudge him a lie in, but I asked if he would make some coffee. Long story short, he didn't, he stayed in bed until he was due to start work.
I feel a bit sad and disappointed. If it was the other way around I'd have done it for him.
It's a silly little thing really, but it feels like another in a growing line of small but selfish acts. He didn't do anything to mark me leaving my previous job (nothing fancy, I just thought we'd watch a film together or he'd make dinner or something) - he knew I was sad about leaving. He didn't put the bins out (which happens frequently) - he says he forgot, but I had reminded him - so it feels like "I forgot" actually means "I didn't want to, so I didn't".
He says he loves me but I don't feel loved.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 02/09/2020 15:48

You don't have to justify how you feel. if you feel he is selfish and ignoring things that you consider to be part of the way two people living together interact and care for each other then thats your expectation.

are these things he would have done before? are you concerned that they indicate an indifference to you or do you think he's lazy (laziness for me would be a deal breaker)
how long have you been together

congratulations on the new job

Original poster
SerialStitcher · 02/09/2020 15:57

I think it's laziness / prioritising what he feels like doing over other things.
We've been together 13 years, married for 2 years.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 02/09/2020 15:59

The last sentence of your first post says it all. You need to speak to him now, before things get beyond repair for you.
Do you think counselling together might help? It may help you both understand the different ways you express/expect to feel love. The mismatch in these behaviours is the cause of so many marital issues

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2020 16:00

Please trust me when I say do not have children with him. He will not change and your life would be an unmitigated nightmare. You have a manchild on your hands.

Original poster
SerialStitcher · 02/09/2020 16:06

We think he has ADD (childhood descriptions of him & his ability to get hyperfocused on certain things whilst also regularly losing stuff...), but I don't feel like he utilities tools to help (I've got a crap memory for birthdays, for example, but I have everything set in Google calendar to remind me when to send a card etc because I want to show I care).
I miscarried last year. I want children but I think the responsibility would very much be on me. However I can't afford to do it alone. I do love him; I just want to feel cared for.

OP posts:
nolovelost · 02/09/2020 17:44

If my DH wasn't due to get up yet, I wouldn't expect him to get up just to make me coffee, but that's me. Everyone's different.

LemonTT · 02/09/2020 18:01

@nolovelost

If my DH wasn't due to get up yet, I wouldn't expect him to get up just to make me coffee, but that's me. Everyone's different.
Same here and I don’t think I would get up if the situation were reversed. I also don’t get the need to treat you because you were leaving your job. A nice thing to do but I wouldn’t have an expectation

I would expect an adult to take out the bins without asking. But it’s not a hill to die on.

No love would be a hill to die on. Time to work out your feelings for each other.

Kiari · 02/09/2020 18:05

I would’ve get up to make DH a drink if I didn’t have to get up.

However you shouldn’t be in a relationship where you don’t feel loved. You deserve better than that.

PlateTectonics · 02/09/2020 18:09

I wouldn't expect DH to get up an hour and a half early just to make me a coffee. I don't mind him not taking the bins out either as long as he pulls his weight in other ways. Is this an accumulation of lots of things over a period of time? Otherwise seems like a bit of an overreaction to me.

Congratulations on the new job by the way!

AudaCityLimits · 02/09/2020 18:11

Your standards are very high OP. If a DP asked me to get up specially to make coffee when he was already up anyway, I'd think he was a bit selfish and very inconsiderate.
I don't think you sound very compatible.

ravenmum · 02/09/2020 18:14

I would get up early if my partner was nervous about his first day in an office so that he would have less of a rush and a bit of comfort before leaving the house.
If he was not even leaving the house I would ask why he wanted me to get up an hour and a half early. I wouldn't say yes and then not do it.

If I was leaving a job and wanted to mark the occasion, I would suggest it myself. It's not a common tradition, so I wouldn't be disappointed at him for not coming up with the idea just because I was secretly hoping him to.

But ae these actually just rather poor examples of a more widespread thoughlessness?

HollowTalk · 02/09/2020 18:17

Please don't have a baby with someone who doesn't care for you. You will have an awful time when you are at your most vulnerable.

Brieminewine · 02/09/2020 18:17

I think it’s slightly precious to expect your partner to get up early and make you coffee to mark your first day in a new job working from home, however it sounds like there’s deeper issues in the marriage.

As a side note, you’ll often end up disappointed in life if you expect people to act as you would do in the same situation.

trevorandsimon · 02/09/2020 18:25

You do sound a bit like hard work!! Do you silently expect all these things and them are upset when you don't get them? Why on earth would you watch a film to celebrate your last day at work? And expect him to get up to make you a coffee? Are you disabled? You sound very high maintenance!

ivfbeenbusy · 02/09/2020 18:27

You were up first starting work 90 minutes before him - it's not up to him to make you drinks?

And most people (you can insert "men" there if you like) forget the bins and need several gentle reminders 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry but you sound unreasonable and you're clearly looking for excuses/reasons to leave the relationship

RhymesWithOrange · 02/09/2020 18:29

Your examples aren't terminal but it sounds like there's more to the story of your relationship?

Don't have children until you sort it out.

MrsSpookyM · 02/09/2020 18:30

Personally I think it's a bit bizarre to want him to get up 1.5 hours early to make you a coffee when you're already up.

But if he's selfish in general it sounds like a bigger backstory.

Ceriane · 02/09/2020 18:48

Sounds like it’s not deliberate or intentional, more that he just doesn’t think, doesn’t make him a bad person, but infuriating! I’d gently have a talk to him about it.

Home42 · 02/09/2020 18:54

I wouldn’t want to get up 1.5 hour early to get you a coffee either. I think you are being unreasonable.
However if you feel you are genuinely unloved you should speak to your partner about your expectations.

Onlythepoets · 02/09/2020 18:55

Yes I’m not sure your two examples suggest he is particularly uncaring.
If you were up why didn’t you make coffee? It’s not that much time/effort is it? What, two minutes?

And the watching a film to commemorate your leaving your job? I wouldn’t think to do that for a partner. Again it’s something you could have done.

Staringpoodleplottingrottie · 02/09/2020 18:57

I would not get up earlier than I had to to make my partner a coffee. I’d probably tell them (lightheartedly) to piss off if they asked me to! Also wouldn’t expect to be treated for leaving a job. The examples you’ve given seem incredibly minor but I’m assuming there is more going on that makes you feel unloved - if that’s the case then it seems the real problem is communication styles and expectations. Perhaps a frank talk or counselling might help?

kazzer2867 · 02/09/2020 18:58

Yes. You do have high expectations if you expect your DH to get up 1.5 hours earlier than he needs to because you have started a new job and want him to make you coffee. No way would I get out of my bed to do this for my DH and I wouldn't expect him to do it for me. Also, wanting him to do something special for you because you felt sad leaving your previous job makes you sound really high maintenance. If he's lazy in other areas, then that's a different story and you need to talk to him about it.

CokeEnStock · 02/09/2020 19:03

Jesus. Make your own coffee. And if you wanted to mark leaving your job you should have organised something.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 02/09/2020 19:13

Very unreasonable expectations OP. The coffee thing is just bizarre, you weren't even leaving the house.
You sound needy I'm afraid

Doingitaloneandproud · 02/09/2020 19:45

Sorry another one who wouldn't get up early to make my partner a coffee if I didn't need to be up for another 90 minutes. If you wanted to do something because you had left your job, why didn't you just say to him?