Harsh truth... is it me or am I misunderstood by my family?

[Iaitme]

I really struggle with this and feel I need to be blunt if I am to get honest answers.

I have a great relationship with my friends. I’ve been told by all five of my closest friends that I’ve been there for them in their worst times and been the biggest support to them. Im there for them and thoughtful, j celebrate all their successes, not judgemental, etc etc all the things you would expect really.

I have a nice home and I’m tidy. I don’t overspend and I’m not reckless with money. I care deeply about my family in the same way I do about my friends but I can never express it in the same way...

Because they seem to see me as someone I don’t recognise. I’m called spoilt, selfish, jealous, difficult, messy, I don’t look for discounts i just spend, accused of not thinking about about anyone else etc etc.

I’ve raised this with my friends because I don’t understand my family’s perception. Nobody else can understand it.

To be clear, as a teen and in my early twenties I was not the person I am now. I didn’t take friendships as seriously and could be ruthless and focused on my work rather than things that mattered. I cared more about money etc. My room was often a tip at home. I would buy designer stuff I couldn’t always afford (never got into debt).

I wonder if this is why I am perceived differently by my family compared with others? I guess also because my family see me in this way I am often defensive..which means they don’t see me at my best. I am on edge around them are therefore may sometimes seem jealous that they don’t treat my sibling the same way etc etc. Or I may seem I’m being difficult because I defend myself and get cross when I’m accused of being selfish. I just don’t get it really.. it’s as if I am someone totally different to my family as I am to my friends. I get on fine with my family generally but I know they talk behind my back and see me as the black sheep. They will often say during a row ‘oh we knew you’d react like this, we said that yesterday.’

I feel so sad as I think if they knew the real me that we would have such a great relationship. There’s this block there though and is this something that just happens in families sometimes? Is it me? Maybe I am not who I think I am and my friends are just being nice rather than genuine about how they interact with me.

It can be hard for people that you grew up with to recognise that you aren't who you once were. That you've changed. They've formed preconceptions of you and not got to see the real you, from after you moved out and grew up.

That being said...theres a lot to be said for the consideration that - maybe they're just being assholes.

And I think it's very important not to get caught up in this need to prove your...goodness. You know you're a decent person, a good friend ect... and so do those who know you now and whom you've chosen to have in your life as friends (rather than, family, who we cant choose).

I think you mainly needs to consider who is a good influence and positive force in your life, for you. And those who aren't...maybe take a step back from them.

Hi, I have a grown up daughter who in my opinion is hard working, clever and resistant, beautiful and so caring. She knows her worth. But her father and step mum have a completely different opinion and she is according to them selfish, spoilt and un caring, and I have often had her on the phone telling me her father and stepmum have been dishing their disapproval onto her and her partner because they have a life of their own now, not as readily available as they are expecting their first and I find it sad, but also find that her fathers words are only reflective of what he actually is, not my daughter just him and his wife. My mum is of the same opinion as myself so please don't take it to heart what your family is saying, keep on being you as that is who you got to like the most for the rest of your life. Your parents have done their duty raising you, so their opinions are not valid if they are not reflected on the person you have become. You are not a prisoner of your teenage years, we all go through them. Your family hasn't caught up with you just yet and perhaps never will.

Can you give an example of when they called you selfish? It's difficult to give an opinion when we only have your version of things.

It's understandable that they have preconceptions about you because of past behaviour. Whether they're still justified depends on what has happened more recently.

It’s hard as I feel like a different person around them. I hate it. I feel I can’t be myself really.

I know they truly believe I’m a bad person most of the time. I care so much about people and rarely put myself first where friends are concerned. But it confuses me as my family definitely do not identify with that person.

It could be because when you were living at home, you were some of those things; messy, for instance. Maybe your family hasn't spent enough time with you to recognise the person you've become, rather than the person you were.
Concentrate on your friends.

chacha the last time they said I was selfish was when I was upset about a break up (recent) and I didn’t want to drive over (an hour) to have lunch with them as I didn’t feel up to it. That then also led to me being called a drama queen, everything was about me, I didn’t think of anyone else and so on.

If I said that to a friend they would either have offered to come to me or just accepted totally I didn’t feel up to it.

Everything is referred back to my childhood and the fact I was always a difficult child.

During the row over not wanting to go over for lunch, I was also told I ‘never even think about my dad’s birthday’ (it’s not his birthday for ages), based on the fact that once about ten years ago I didn’t send a card.

Perhaps they have cast you as the scapegoat in your family. I read a book recently called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, it talks about dysfunctional family dynamics and one of them in casting a particular child as a scapegoat. Some of the examples are very extreme, but there was a lot of very interesting information just generally that might be of help to you. I would suggest your friends most certainly are right, and you family narrative is one that suits their dysfunctional emotional needs rather than reality.

Hmm maybe yeah. I kind of do get that I was a shit as a child and teen. But this is so long ago over a decade and a half!

For instance when they say oh are you going to remember your dad’s birthday it makes me upset and angry...something that happened so long ago and yes was selfish but wouldn’t happen now! It makes me feel defensive and then I’m called a drama queen and so it goes on. Literally have none of these issues with people I know in my life generally.

Sounds like you are the scapegoat and they are the dysfunctional ones.

Have you ever apologised or acknowledged your past behaviour?

It can be hard for family to see that a person has changed and they will still view your actions through the lens of your past behaviour. It's a bit like the boy who cried wolf. If you'd never done selfish, immature things, they would take your current actions as being from the same motivation.

I completely sympathise. Over the years I have realised that my mother's opinion of me was formed when I was 16 and it hasn't changed since. I'm in my 40s now but she still sees me as a slightly angry teenager who just hasn't changed (I have, obviously). What's interesting though is that - now I think about it - I don't think she has. Maybe it is their own lack of ability to grow / evolve that is reflected back onto us? Anyway. Their loss.

Christ if I was judged on my teenage years I'd have been buried under the patio years ago. As it happens I'm now a kind, caring person with a good job, responsibilities, kids and a dh. At 43 I have a very different relationship with my parents as they now treat me as an adult and know that teenagers can be gits.

Sounds like you're being judged on your earlier years which Is woeful unfair of them, let's face it, most of us were arseholes as teenagers.

You were not selfish for not wanting to drive and hour for a family meal after the breakup. A caring family would have understood and supported you.

Sounds like you're being used as the scapegoat and they are the toxic ones.

DH and BIL still think SIL is about 14 and incapable of being an adult. She's 50. People get stuck with childhood perceptions.

I’ve not apologised for my previous behaviour, no. I mean we had rows when I was growing up and I was an angry and difficult teen.. nothing drastic like drugs or spending or violence, I was just miserable and moody and aggressive/argumentative.

I’m none of these things now as an general rule! But when around my family I feel so on edge and ready to get defensive. They just don’t see me as the person I and my friends think I am. I sort of revert to childhood around them.

My sibling is a bit messed up in her own way and though she’s never done anything to hurt me in any way and can be great fun and we get on, she has always been the one that my parents compared me with and that’s sort of stayed. They tend to group together and even her husband has been known to make comments when my parents have said oh Iatime is being difficult today... it’s very much them and me. We spend time together and I don’t hate them... they would laugh in my face if I suggested I was the scapegoat and would say that sums me up, paranoid etc etc. So it goes on.

It’s so hard to get people to move on from their preconceptions:
I’m a responsible professional in my 40s but to my family I am forever labelled as the youngest one who has a messy room and is late for everything! It’s very irritating, but so try to shrug it off /take it with a pinch of salt.

Could you talk to them about it at a calm moment (ie not during a disagreement) pointing out that there seems to be a gap between how you are now and how you are perceived by them, and that you would appreciate it if they would be open minded about seeing you as you are now rather than making assumptions based on the past. Maybe ask them what they think would help them shift their perceptions?

Yes I’ve tried that but it doesn’t last!

They’re fixated on me being the problem person. We have times when all is fine but so often I have to feel like this out of control freak around them that I find it hard to be close to them. I love them but the narrative of who I am is fixed in their minds and that’s that.

Sounds like your family is bullying you. Not nice.

It can be very hard to break that kind of cycle. It's a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy: by treating you like shit, they ensure that you react negatively/emotionally, one way or another, so they can then blame you for it.

It's an abusive dynamic. Probably their lives are not that great, but by collectively putting you down, they can feel better about themselves.

My advice would be focusing on your own wellbeing, by surrounding yourself with people who love and value you (your friends)
You can keep some form of contact with your family, but be ready to enforce your personal boundaries. You don't have to accept their false narrative (the person they paint you as, which is not you).
Try to not swallow the bait when they're trolling you. It can be very hard. When they're being twats, you can try to deflect the topic from you by asking not-so-innocent questions: "Really? Why are you saying that?" (to just about any nasty comment), "Always/Never? Are you sure?" (to any "you always/never do this or that" accusation), etc.
The key is to keep your cool and absolutely avoid getting defensive and trying to justify yourself (most of their accusations are probably loaded "have you stopped beating your wife yet" affirmations. Don't engage with that kind of crap). Let them do the talking, smile and keep asking them to clarify, never acknowledge that you agree with what they said (but don't try to argue back either), and when they're done (or when you'be had enough) "I can see you're not really in the mood for seeing me right now, bye! "

Note: this is likely to irritate them, but honestly, I think that not rewarding their abusive behaviour (and instead getting them to question what the hell they're saying, by forcing them to articulate their outdated view point aloud) is your only chance of resetting the relationship.

I can totally relate, my one sibling hasn’t a clue who I am, holds a massive grudge about things that I have been oblivious too, Some are perceived slights, others really significant. They are not speaking to me currently. My friends are outraged on my behalf and don’t recognise her description of my behaviour at all...

I don’t know what to suggest other than possibly gently remind them, the comment about your Dads birthday, maybe say that you have remembered, just like last year

I understand how you feel. My dad left to do a job abroad when I was 16 (parents still together but mum stayed to look after me during last years of school) and my elder brother is 6 years older than me and I haven't had a proper relationship with him for years. Feel very much that brother dislikes me (husband agrees and husband is the most non judgemental of people) as I think he perceives me to a spoilt princess with little life experience - mainly, I think as this is how his younger SIL is and he and his wife have somehow lumped me with her. Dad still treats me like a stroppy teen and I feel on edge because of that.

Outside of them, I get on great with my other sibling and mum and have a wonderful group of varied friends of all ages, get on with colleagues and have a good career, a lovely husband and happy marriage. Just cant get past these blocks with my brother and dad for some reason. And weirdly, I dont resent them or feel upset, just puzzled that 2 people so closely related to me know less my personality than a random colleague really.

Ps - I was also messy when younger but almost Monica like clean and tidy now. But 1 of my friends who is now horrendously messy herself still thinks of me as the 'messy one!' Perceptions are hard to change.

The majority of my family, except my Mum and Step-Dad and one cousin don 't work, sponge of the government (they have no disabilities), take drugs (weed) and as a result I have nothing in common with them.

Apart from visiting my Mum I don't bother with them. We have nothing in common. I am as stubborn as my Mum and rebelled against the odds of being a loser in a small loser town in Scotland and moved out on my own, got a job and built my own life. I just got a small, meaningful tattoo as a reward to myself for beating the odds.

Anyway, I ended up with a small rant about me, not my intention. I think perhaps give yourself space from your family if they are putting you down and making you feel like sh:t. My Mum can be very opinionated and I give myself distance from her when she starts.

It is very hard for people to move on from the opinion they have formed of you OP.

I have this with my school friends - I was very shy at school and really came out of my shell at university. My school friends still talk about me as a quiet, shy, reserved person when I'm actually really outgoing these days!

Next time they mention your dad's birthday, say calmly "I know I forgot to send a card once, but that was 10 years ago and I've never forgotten since. I think it's time for you to stop mentioning it".

My advice is to step back a little from your family, and when you do interact, try to stay very calm and not get cross or defensive.

Your family are twats. I have the same dynamic - my mum sees me as an irresponsible, irrational, chaotic teenager and my sister as the golden child who can do no wrong. Thankfully my sister sees through it and she and I get along fine. Weirdly when I'm around my mum I do revert to a stroppy teen! She brings out the absolute worst in me...or maybe I act out her perception of me.

laitme

Its not you, its them your family members. They are dysfunctional and have assigned you the role of scapegoat for all their inherent ills. They like keeping you as their scapegoat and having this history of you being oh so difficult as a child etc when the truth is you were absolutely otherwise. There is also a golden child here; your more favoured sibling. These people will not change; all you can do is withdraw from them and otherwise change how you react to them.

Your comment alluding to the fact that you personally, "care so much about people and rarely put myself first where friends are concerned" is likely a result of they treating you so badly. This sort of toxic crap from family members can often turn those on the receiving end into people pleasers and that state does no favours to the person either.

Do you also feel a whole heap of fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to them also?. Have a read of the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages; their words could also help you too.

I don't think you're misunderstood by your family, I think you're bullied by them. They sound really quite toxic. They called you a drama queen when you didn't feel up to driving to have lunch with them but couldn't offer you any support. Says everything about them. They might use your moody teenage years as a stick to hit you with but that's probably because they're not bright enough to think up new criticisms.

I'd stick with my friends if I were you