Harsh truth... is it me or am I misunderstood by my family?

[Iaitme]

I really struggle with this and feel I need to be blunt if I am to get honest answers.

I have a great relationship with my friends. I’ve been told by all five of my closest friends that I’ve been there for them in their worst times and been the biggest support to them. Im there for them and thoughtful, j celebrate all their successes, not judgemental, etc etc all the things you would expect really.

I have a nice home and I’m tidy. I don’t overspend and I’m not reckless with money. I care deeply about my family in the same way I do about my friends but I can never express it in the same way...

Because they seem to see me as someone I don’t recognise. I’m called spoilt, selfish, jealous, difficult, messy, I don’t look for discounts i just spend, accused of not thinking about about anyone else etc etc.

I’ve raised this with my friends because I don’t understand my family’s perception. Nobody else can understand it.

To be clear, as a teen and in my early twenties I was not the person I am now. I didn’t take friendships as seriously and could be ruthless and focused on my work rather than things that mattered. I cared more about money etc. My room was often a tip at home. I would buy designer stuff I couldn’t always afford (never got into debt).

I wonder if this is why I am perceived differently by my family compared with others? I guess also because my family see me in this way I am often defensive..which means they don’t see me at my best. I am on edge around them are therefore may sometimes seem jealous that they don’t treat my sibling the same way etc etc. Or I may seem I’m being difficult because I defend myself and get cross when I’m accused of being selfish. I just don’t get it really.. it’s as if I am someone totally different to my family as I am to my friends. I get on fine with my family generally but I know they talk behind my back and see me as the black sheep. They will often say during a row ‘oh we knew you’d react like this, we said that yesterday.’

I feel so sad as I think if they knew the real me that we would have such a great relationship. There’s this block there though and is this something that just happens in families sometimes? Is it me? Maybe I am not who I think I am and my friends are just being nice rather than genuine about how they interact with me.

Oh I feel you OP, most people's preconceptions of me is that I am an out of control emotional drunk vortex. Because 20odd years ago I was raped and went through about 2yrs of my career being a party girl to get through the pain.

Now, 20 years later its still commented on by my family and those I joined up with (military) but in a jokey way if you get me. But these days I don't really drink, have my own home, nice car and raised 2 beautiful daughters successfully.

I was a twat back then..... But for good reason..... But like it always is, everyone always remembers the negatives and never the positives which is why I struggle when someone dies..... Noone says bad things about you then.... They focus on your strengths..... In light of mental health, maybe if preconceptions were removed we would not have as many suicides. (I know I have not worded that well but you know what I mean....)

I have a friend whose family treat her as a complete flake most of the time. An awful lot of eye-rolling "god typical Mary" at everything and it has continued on to the next generation. The reality is she is the most successful of the entire family in many ways. Most prestigious career, lots of lovely friends, lovely husband and family, her own home, interesting travels etc. She is also the one who told the truth about the shit that actually went on in their family when they were children/teens. I've said to her that they want her to be a flake because if she is a responsible truthful woman - well then people might believe her if she talked about her family.

I don't think families change if they get stuck in this groove. You could call them on it but I don't think you'll get far. Frankly I'd just deflect/joke away - if they say anything about the birthday card say "my god you have the memory of an elephant. 10 years and counting and it is as if it was yesterday". If they say you are being a drama queen say "yeah I do feel my emotions- wish I had the hide of a rhino like yourself ha ha" and minimise your exposure to them and their importance to you. My friend has done that and has never been happier.

I hadn’t considered myself a people pleaser really but now it’s been said I certainly take that approach in my romantic relationships and it’s led to a lot of abuse. I wonder why that family dynamic leads to people pleasing? I can’t do enough for men in relationships and I end up being treated badly except for a couple of nice relationships I had many years back

"I don't think you're misunderstood by your family, I think you're bullied by them."

Yup!

Difficult, drama llama because you didn't want to drive for an hour to see them when you felt shit?

My parents would have been offering to come to me!

If they can see for themselves that you keep the place you live in tidy, why wouldn't they be able to see past you being messy as a child/teen?

I can be difficult with then though, I get angry quickly and just generally feel out of control and a different person when around them. I feel on edge and so so so defensive.

I was planning on moving to the same town as them soon...the place I know best so I wanted to move back. Bad idea or irrelevant if I want to be there? Not sure what to do after reading these posts!

"Im there for them and thoughtful, j celebrate all their successes, not judgemental, etc etc all the things you would expect really."

And you're not like this with your family?

I am the same with my family but less trusting so more withdrawn. I always get them nice presets and organise lunches and so on for birthdays snd I would be there for my family if they needed me. I just don’t show my emotions with them in the same way I would with friends. I don’t know why, I almost feel silly or embarrassed

My solution to this was to cut contact, when I had my kids, because tight smiles and pretending were fine for a yearly visit, but I was damned if I was going to have 'Grannies' and 'Aunties' on the scene, playing roles in my childrens' childhoods, who would basically change the entire dynamic of all the Christmases, birthdays and everything else they were around for. No. My one life, my one chance to be myself within my family that I chose. Byeee.

Never regretted it for a moment.

When you come from an toxic background, you often gravitate towards abusive partners. Abuse has a spectrum of course.

Not being able to be yourself around your family probably indicates that you do not trust them not to hurt you, given an opportunity.

If you move closer to them then you may begin to feel very stifled and judged. I wouldn't advise it.

Don't move back op! The more you say the more it's apparent that they have a dysfunctional setup, although obviously only you know if this is accurate. You're probably better off at a distance.

I relate massively.

Due to circumstances beyond anyone's control aspects of our childhood were less than ideal, and our father was emotionally and at times physically absent or abusive.

Oldest sibling bitterly resented me and has carried on this endless need to see me "brought down" often orchestrates situations to do this and retains this childish pettiness towards me to this day. This has led to extremely low contact on my side.

When I raise this, our DM constantly says I need to leave" the past in the past", even though it is not the past because their behaviour is unchanged

To my sibling I am the spoiled younger favoured sibling who needs humbling

To me, my sibling is a vindictive cruel bully with no redeemable qualities.

These are, essentially, still our childhood roles with each other. As our ages cross the 40 line, I cannot see this changing.

It is a problem our parents should have fixed and didn't and its just set now.

And my dislike of them is so overwhelming, I can't imagine ever having good relations.

I’m sorry to hear these stories. I find it so sad? Do you?

I find it all desperately sad. I just want a good relationship with them that is close. I feel so much stress and anxiety around them though and I wish so much it wasn’t like that

@Bunnymumy

When you come from an toxic background, you often gravitate towards abusive partners. Abuse has a spectrum of course.

Not being able to be yourself around your family probably indicates that you do not trust them not to hurt you, given an opportunity.

If you move closer to them then you may begin to feel very stifled and judged. I wouldn't advise it.

Do not move back OP.

Get some counselling.

Your family do indeed sound like awful bullies.

Why would you want to be with people who make you feel so bad about yourself, on a regular basis?

Protect yourself.

It is really sad OP because the situation is beginning to damage my relationship with my DM as I feel that DM is being increasingly coercive about contact and I am standing firm.

But having never got on with my sibling, I don't feel that I have lost anything except a source of negativity and stress.

Might be wise to take a look at the 'stately homes' threads on here op, see if anything rings a bell.

Also theres a book called 'no more narcissists' by candace love that might be worth reading for you. It gets you to look at your childhood (including family) and how it may have set you up to attract narcissistic men as an adult (and to tolerate unacceptable behaviour from others around you, as an adult).

"It is a problem our parents should have fixed and didn't and its just set now."

Did they favour you though?

Even if they did it shouldn't still be being taken out on you by your brother though!

I find it all desperately sad. I just want a good relationship with them that is close.

Am so sorry but what you want from them is not going to happen. They are not built that way and their narrative of making you their scapegoat for all their inherent ills is a convenient one.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; these people have taught you a lot of damaging crap about yourself and made you a people pleaser as a result. This is a really problematic state for you and I am sadly not surprised you have been in abusive relationships yourself. Your parents installed those buttons.

Please find a BACP registered therapist to work with re your family and people pleasing behaviours. Find someone who you can work with and ideally also someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Do not have any further relationships with men until you have done the necessary work on you. I would also suggest you look at the Freedom programme run by Womens Aid as your boundaries would have been messed with by past abuses.

I would also urge you to not move back to their hometown; this would be a further retrograde step for you.

You seek their approval even now but they will never give it to you. As an adult you do not need their approval. Let all hope go that they will say sorry; such toxic people never apologize nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

@diddl

So, no, not particularly

My "DF" really could not have given less of a shit about me, thought I was worthless and made it quite plain

DM overcompensated

Both siblings took their cues from DF, one grew out of it and one didnt

The overcompensation from DM led to a massive amount of hostility from sibling. Sibling now holds me up in a bad light to immediate and extended family wherever possible and has led for contrasting reasons to both myself and my other sibling feeling like we stand on the outskirts of our family looking in.

DM only seems capable of having a relationship with one of her children at any given time to be honest. Rotating Golden Child and Scapegoat.

You can't change them, you can only change how you react.

It hurts, I know. I'm the scapegoat too. I really can't change their opinion of me so I just live my life and keep them a bit at a distance. If they can't be loving and supporting, then I might as well just not have a lot of grief from them.

My friends don't get why they see me like that. That is quite nice actually. My inlaws don't get it either and think we're doing fab. These are the people that I get positive energy from. That will have to do.

I just hope and pray that old age won't make me forget and treat my daughter like that. Everyone deserves to make a few mistakes as a teen, it shouldn't be held against you for the whole rest of your life.

Stay away from the family.

The people I'm genetically linked to have a narrative about me that I'm unstable, selfish, greedy, cruel, a bit thick, have a weird face and am probably an alcoholic who inconceivably seems to attract a 'constant stream of men'.

If I'm feeling charitable, I'd agree that I've never been single for more than a very short time. And I don't look like them. Nor am I emotionally stunted and bereft of human compassion like they are -the rest is just utter bollocks they've made up to justify how shit they are. And what teenager wouldn't be a pain in the arse with that dynamic in their life?

In any case, I was apparently a pain in the arse because as soon as I saw an out from the environment, I took it instead of fulfilling my predestined role as spinster daughter buying a house and doing all the caring/paying bills/cooking/cleaning/shopping/domestic servant business for the next fifty years. They're only pissed off that they have to do it instead.

I was a shit awful child and at various times in my adulthood too - I was a total bitch I had huge issues -not really caused by my parents.
Now things are different. They see I am a fab mum and good career etc but there was a great deal of apology from me.

Is it worth you sending a letter owning your ast behaviour -but pointing out you are different now and want a different sort of relationiship?

The first time my friends met my mother they genuinely thought she was talking about a different daughter. This objectionable, defensive, stubborn, aggressive, confrontational person she painted me to be they just didn't recognise.

I was never a bad kid I just was a dramatically different person than she was. She wanted a blonde beautiful Disney daughter who dressed in pink, wore make up and could have mother-daughter shopping trips with. A perfect mini me that she could live vicariously through in reflected glory. What she got was a bookish, awkward tomboy who knew her own mind.

She never hid her disappointment in fact she was quite upfront and jokes regularly to all and sundry that somebody had walked away from the maternity unit with her 'real' daughter.

Thankfully I learned not to care for her good opinion which helps things massively. Took hard work to get there but now I let it wash over me like water off a duck's back. Can't change her can only change me and how I react.

low contact and on my terms helped a lot.