Sex and new relationship. It's OK to wait, isn't it?

[redlipped]

I see and hear a fair few comments about people having sex early on in a relationship to make sure they're compatible sexually. I've heard men say it's a turn off when they have to wait weeks and weeks before having sex with a new partner. In quite anxious about this. Going on a 5th date tomorrow, with a guy I really like. Problem is, I'm not anywhere near ready for sex. I have been through sexual trauma, and whilst I am fine having sex and enjoy it, it's not something I can rush in to. I feel like I need a new partner to know about what happened to me, but then feel like it will be a huge turn off. I hate having to keep it a secret, and it makes sex and relationships a bit difficult. It's the only time it bothers me now. I guess I just haven't had sex since I was with my ex who used to have non consensual sex with me and have no idea whether to tell a fairly new partner this or not. Can anyone advise on how I approach this?

Totally OK to wait OP and any decent guy will respect that. I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse from your ex, that's a big trauma to get over. I don’t think i can advise you on how to approach things, but hopefully another wiser mumnetter will be along soon.

I think you should say you are really attracted to him but not ready for sex yet. Then hope he asks why or say “ I’m surprised you haven’t asked why” and you can say “ let’s just say I like to get to know a man thoroughly first, as I’ve had some abusive sexual experiences in the past”.

If you're not ready don't rush into it. Just tell him you're not ready and that you want to wait. You don't owe him an explanation at this stage and if he's a decent sort he'll understand.

He obviously really likes you if you’re up to date 5. Just tell him what you told us in your OP.

Thank you both. He's so kind, and actually works with people with severe mental health problems. I think he will understand. I just don't know him well and am nervous about the topic arising.

I've never talked about it with anyone other than mums net and a counsellor I had for a year after I left the relationship. I've healed so much. I guess I'm realising that it will always be a part of me now and I will eventually have to share this with a new partner. Scary.

It's OK to wait as long as you want to and you should only do what you're comfortable with, (and actually enthusiastic about).

Some blokes may lose interest, but that's OK too, that's them weeding themselves out. The right guy will stick around.

I'd be cautious about telling a new partner about the rapes, because if he's a wrong un, he may use your vulnerabilities against you. Have you had any counselling regarding the trauma you've been through?

That's a concern of mine. I have had counselling and been on the freedom programme. I've done a huge amount of work on myself and I am so much better. I'm in a really good place.

You don't have to tell him anything, you've only known him 5 dates.
If you're not ready, you're not ready. That doesn't need an explanation.
If he is a decent guy, he will respect that.

My gut tells me that I need to share this simply to relieve my anxiety about it. Just scared it will scare him off and damage my self esteem even further. It's so frustrating. Everything else feels so right, it's just this one thing that's on my mind a lot.

Maybe talk it over with a counsellor beforehand?

I wouldn't share just yet.
All you have to say is you're not ready

I recently finished my counselling and sadly it's not as easy as just calling a counsellor and asking for advice. I don't think anyway.

My feeling is that if you find him very attractive, to let him know that you do. But to convey the message that you want to take things slow

I would not be inclined to tell him about your past experiences at this stage because he might think that it's never going to happen

I would say you want to take it slowly as you've had bad experiences in the past and you now know this is the best way for you in relationships. No need to do chapter and verse beyond that. That would be enough for any decent guy.

I've heard men say it's a turn off when they have to wait weeks and weeks before having sex with a new partner.

Then they can fuck off as far as I'm concerned. Sex should be when both partners want it- or there's a word for it.

Just scared it will scare him off

If it does, he's not a particularly good guy and don't let it dent your self-esteem- it says more about him than you.

I recently finished my counselling and sadly it's not as easy as just calling a counsellor and asking for advice.

I think if you were to message or call the counsellor that you saw, I don't think they would mind giving you a bit of advice over it.

I don't think if you said you wanted to take it slow a decent guy would go 'why?' by the way, as that could come across as pushy.

As PP's said, you don't have to give reasons or go into it any more than you want at this stage- a lot of women will want to take it slowly when it comes to sex for various reasons, you don't have to justify yourself.

Tell him stuff when you feel the time is right and he has proven that he deserves your confidence (should you chose to share it) with such a private topic.

Op I really wouldn't disclose previous sexual trauma to a man you don't know very well.

Take your time. I'm sure he will understand :) I waited 11 months to have sex with my now husband and he completely understood where I was coming from.

Just scared it will scare him off

That would be a good thing though. Any man who would be turned off by you, your past or your attitude is not a man you want to be with anyway.

Don't tell him about your past. This is a fresh start. You've done the work in counseling and the freedom programme. You don't need to lay this on him because you are in control. You decide when you are ready. You don't owe him anything by going on dates.
Tell him you like him a lot but you'll be taking it slow. No further explanation required.

Please don’t share this with him. This is for a few reasons one being mainly you don’t know him yet and this is such a private and vulnerable thing to open up about you could leave yourself incredibly open to abuse. This kind of sharing should be reserved for the time you fully trust someone enough to open up to them about your past, not as a reason why you don’t want to rush in.

Also your RS will then be built on what happened in the past not who you are now.

I am also a survivor and do not share this with someone new in this way. I have had it used against me by people I shouldn’t have trusted to tell. It will not relieve your anxiety really the way you think it will - it just can create a new anxiety about what he now thinks of you and how he sees you.

Never feel like you have to share this with someone, it is your private past and you do not have to open up like this as a reason why you want to go slow. You just say you aren’t ready yet, and judge his reaction. No one is owed any explanation as to why they aren’t going to get sex from another person, being not ready is enough.

I worry you haven’t really done enough work with your boundaries to be honest this is one area they should have covered with you. You must protect yourself and putting yourself in such a vulnerable position is not the best thing for you at all

Remember - no one is entitled to sex, ever.

I would maybe just say something about having been treated badly before you aren’t going to rush in again. If he’s a decent guy he’ll understand and want you to be ok.

As a counsellor with couples I spent time talking about secrets and privacy and how they differ. If I had separate sessions with them- I would only be able to keep private stuff confidential and not secrets. An example of this for privacy was often a disclosure Of sexual abuse compared to a secret being a sexual indiscretion. So what I’m saying @redlipped is that Even within a loving relationship you’re allowed to have privacy. Though in fairness if the private issue directly affected the relationship then we worked together to disclose at a pace suited to the person disclosing.

5 dates is not that long to wait tbh. That said, you say you are no where near ready to have sex.....does that mean it could be another 5 dates, or longer even?

I firmly believe in laying cards on the table. Tell him you like him but don’t want to rush sex and you are not ready to get that intimate. There is nothing wrong with him saying he doesn’t want to wait and calling it a day and contrary to other comments, shouldn’t be made to be a bad guy if he doesn’t. Pushing the topic if you’ve made it clear you want to wait would make him a bad guy however but walking away does not.

Just out of interest......have you kissed yet?