Sex and new relationship. It's OK to wait, isn't it?

[redlipped]

I see and hear a fair few comments about people having sex early on in a relationship to make sure they're compatible sexually. I've heard men say it's a turn off when they have to wait weeks and weeks before having sex with a new partner. In quite anxious about this. Going on a 5th date tomorrow, with a guy I really like. Problem is, I'm not anywhere near ready for sex. I have been through sexual trauma, and whilst I am fine having sex and enjoy it, it's not something I can rush in to. I feel like I need a new partner to know about what happened to me, but then feel like it will be a huge turn off. I hate having to keep it a secret, and it makes sex and relationships a bit difficult. It's the only time it bothers me now. I guess I just haven't had sex since I was with my ex who used to have non consensual sex with me and have no idea whether to tell a fairly new partner this or not. Can anyone advise on how I approach this?

@Isadora2007 I don’t want to certain this thread but really? If one half of a couple reveals a “secret” you tell the other?

If I knew nothing about the reasons behind it, I would assume that lack of intimacy after that length of time meant there wasn’t a spark. But everyone’s different.

@wb205020 yes we've kissed! 😁

And yes it will be at least another 5 dates!

I’d say that if you’re not ready to have sex with him, then you’re not ready to share your sexual trauma with him either. That’s great you’ve kissed tho!

It's perfectly OK, OP, but if the guy doesnt respect your decision then you will be doing yourself a favour by noticing this huge red flag.

@agododopushpineapple it’s an agreement we have as a threesome- what I do is agree that although I won’t disclose the actual details I will agree with the discloser that a/he shares the secret within an agreed timeframe or even if they prefer to be supported to disclose in a session with me. BUT if they don’t disclose then I will cancel all future appts and the other partner will in effect know that something has been disclosed. I can’t work for the best interests of a relationship when I know a secret about one of the people in that relationship. But I will respect their privacy.
I hope that makes sense.