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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex for years, now he wants it

29 replies

Diddumz · 01/09/2020 17:25

Been married 20 years. Have an adult son living at home.

Dh and I never had a very active sex life unless we were ttc. His choice not to have sex, not mine.

He has said in the past that he has a low libido. He then said, some years ago, that pain from a hernia op meant he couldn't have intercourse.

We haven't even shared a bed for years. He snores, so sleeps downstairs.

Over the last few months, he has told me that, if I come downstairs in the night, he has thought about having sex with me. I assumed this is what is known as "breadcrumbing", where an unloving person throws tiny bits of "affection" at their partner in order to make the partner think they are interested.

A few nights ago, I came downstairs and he got out of bed and started pawing at me - telling me he "he wanted to fuck me" - and wouldn't stop touching me until I pushed him away. I told him to stop touching me... just because I haven't had sex in years doesn't mean he can expect me to fall into bed with him at any given moment.

To be honest, even if we had sex again, I don't believe we would ever have an active sex life.

I have been driven to despair by his lack of any affection - hardly any cuddles, no intimate kissing.

I have been tempted to have an affair, but what would be the point?

The obvious thing to do would be to separate. However, I still love him, fancy him and depend on him in other ways... financially, splitting would be difficult.

He is a kind man and his family, my family and our son adore him.

I have confided in close friends about the situation and they feel sad for me.

Is there anyone out there who has been through this and has some advice?

OP posts:
Natureotter · 01/09/2020 17:39

You still love him and fancy him and depend on him...and you turned down his advances? Have you had a chat about how you could get your sex life up and running again? Was your dh wanting to make an effort (not great tho) or was he just wanting a quick fix?
I think you should at least try it again if you still feel that way about him.

SoulofanAggron · 01/09/2020 18:03

You still love him and fancy him and depend on him...and you turned down his advances?

People going around their day aren't expecting someone they haven't shagged for years to grab at them and said they want to fuck them.

No-one is up for it every second of the day, when they've just gone downstairs to fetch a glass of water or whatever and someone comes out of another room and grabs at them.

I imagine it was a shock rather than a turn on. It would freak me out if I wasn't expecting it, especially if I was half asleep.

Also I can imagine OP being resentful- he hasn't bothered all this time and then expects her to be up for it on demand when he wants it.

I was raped by someone who could've had consensual sex with me a few minutes later. I was just having a glass of wine to chill out before I got into it. It was violent rape even though I would've been up for it if he had waited until I was ready.

Original poster
Diddumz · 01/09/2020 18:11

Sorry, I should have specified that we have not had any intimacy since 2016. Before that, it was only about twice a year.

Thanks for your replies - I appreciate them.

It wasn't so much that (despite gagging for it!) I turned down his advances, it was more that he seemed to assume that I would have sex with him when I didn't want to.

I asked him, repeatedly, to stop touching me and then got sulky.

OP posts:
Original poster
Diddumz · 01/09/2020 18:12

Soul - I am sorry, angry and disgusted that you were raped. Thanks

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2020 18:16

I'd be wondering what exactly has brought on this sudden desire for sex. I'd be suspicious.

SoulofanAggron · 01/09/2020 18:20

I would not have liked how he approached you at all.

And I suppose it might feel that after all this time, he needs to rebuild intimacy. Like he could give you a snog or something sometime. And I see what you mean, he was thinking he could go into it with no preamble. Relatively rough sex can be good but it's better if you're psyched up for it/know it's coming at least to a small extent.

meadowmom · 01/09/2020 18:24

Well he needs to date you first right? Where’s the nice meal out? Some effort FFS. You’re not a whore! Cheeky bastard.

Sssloou · 01/09/2020 18:27

I think it’s only in your head this “love” and “fancying him” sits - and some level of misplaced loyalty and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) are keeping you in this marriage with this logical assessment. How is how your family view him relevant to your non existent sex life?

Seems that your mind, body, spirit and heart are screaming out for v basic love and affection - but are repulsed by the crude, ugly and selfish approach of this specific man.

I suspect he has recently worn himself out on porn.

Fuckityfucksake · 01/09/2020 18:44

I think you've every right to be pissed off. How dare he withhold his affection and intimacy then just suddenly decide to paw at you and expect you'd be so desperate that you'd just do it.
Piss poor attempt from your DH
I'd be telling him, if you want this obviously, that he will have to try harder than that.
Sex doesn't just happen because one person decides they fancy it right now.
I agree he is bored of porn and wanking so fancied some of the real thing.
Talk to him and see what he actually wants - to fix your sex life or just a quick shag - if it's the latter then in your shoes I would seriously be considering leaving him.

Manolin · 01/09/2020 19:26

Where is he a kind man?

I am trying to grapple with that bit. It is also an important bit, because you say everyone adores him. I do not understand why given he treats you - and I believe you - terribly.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 01/09/2020 20:02

Ah he's being watching porn I think .

AnnaLiviaPlurabella · 01/09/2020 20:10

He's been watching porn, or wants to practice because he might have an interest in someone else.

How heartbreaking to want love and care, and the only intimacy in years is a cack-handed announcement he wants to f*ck you.

Redannie118 · 01/09/2020 20:14

Honestly? My ex DH never wanted sex with me unless he was chasing/shagging someone else. Then he was all over me. You dont touch someone for 4 years then suddenly your gagging for it??? Somethings going on here.

Dery · 01/09/2020 20:35

"Where is he a kind man?

I am trying to grapple with that bit. It is also an important bit, because you say everyone adores him. I do not understand why given he treats you - and I believe you - terribly."

^This. But he may well intentionally cultivate a public image which is very different from his behaviour at home because he likes the admiration and approval that come with it. And it's also a way of isolating the neglected (or abused) spouse and makes it harder for them to reach out for support to people outside the relationship.

Jennifer2r · 01/09/2020 20:54

Any sexual advance on his part needs to start with a conversation, not just pawing at you.

mrscruise · 01/09/2020 20:55

He's not being fair on you. If you want to stay with him, which it sounds like you do, then maybe you need to decide whether you'd like to sleep with him in the future and then discuss it with him. But if he knows you'll never leave him no matter what his behaviour then he can & will do what he likes. I think that's where the real problem lies.

Mamette · 01/09/2020 21:01

I would be suspicious OP.

MulticolourMophead · 01/09/2020 21:02

@Redannie118

Honestly? My ex DH never wanted sex with me unless he was chasing/shagging someone else. Then he was all over me. You dont touch someone for 4 years then suddenly your gagging for it??? Somethings going on here.
I would agree, as I had a friend in a simillar situation. Her ExH wasn't into sex when he wasn't having an affair (although she didn't know it at the time, she drove herself demented with wondering what she might have done for him to withdraw, until the affairs came to light).

It could just be that he's been using porn, but something's triggered this.

OP, don't rule out splitting up, just get some legal advice on your options so you have proper knowledge. Then make any decisions after you've been fully informed.

RoseTintedAtuin · 01/09/2020 21:08

You need to have an honest discussion with him about how he’s made you feel. Libidos can change so maybe his is increasing but explain it takes more than a flight of stairs to get you in the mood. He has to put the effort in and so do you maybe a hotel stay? It sounds like you (And he) are open to that part of your life becoming more important so it couldn’t hurt to try.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2020 21:55

I think he's having an affair or up to something similar. You don't share a bed, no sex for FOUR years, and then suddenly he wants to rip your clothes off? Nope. Something is going on.

Original poster
Diddumz · 02/09/2020 03:07

Thanks all. Really appreciate it.

I don't think he is having an affair, but you never know.

OP posts:
thisisexhausting · 02/09/2020 19:18

@meadowmom

Well he needs to date you first right? Where’s the nice meal out? Some effort FFS. You’re not a whore! Cheeky bastard.
Exactly this!!!
Original poster
Diddumz · 03/09/2020 02:42

Thanks again, all... appreciate your replies Bear

OP posts:
Choppedupapple · 03/09/2020 10:41

He needs to be very honest with you, something has changed, it could be porn, head turned,?something as simple as hormone changes, has he changed diet, exercise or medication?

If you want this then take it slow, date him again?

Original poster
Diddumz · 03/09/2020 15:39

I'm wondering if it's porn... I'm not bothered if he watches porn, tbh. However, if he's been using it because he prefers it to real sex with me, then that's different.

I need to talk to him. He won't like it, but this is a bad situation.

OP posts:
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