No sex for years, now he wants it

[Diddumz]

Been married 20 years. Have an adult son living at home.

Dh and I never had a very active sex life unless we were ttc. His choice not to have sex, not mine.

He has said in the past that he has a low libido. He then said, some years ago, that pain from a hernia op meant he couldn't have intercourse.

We haven't even shared a bed for years. He snores, so sleeps downstairs.

Over the last few months, he has told me that, if I come downstairs in the night, he has thought about having sex with me. I assumed this is what is known as "breadcrumbing", where an unloving person throws tiny bits of "affection" at their partner in order to make the partner think they are interested.

A few nights ago, I came downstairs and he got out of bed and started pawing at me - telling me he "he wanted to fuck me" - and wouldn't stop touching me until I pushed him away. I told him to stop touching me... just because I haven't had sex in years doesn't mean he can expect me to fall into bed with him at any given moment.

To be honest, even if we had sex again, I don't believe we would ever have an active sex life.

I have been driven to despair by his lack of any affection - hardly any cuddles, no intimate kissing.

I have been tempted to have an affair, but what would be the point?

The obvious thing to do would be to separate. However, I still love him, fancy him and depend on him in other ways... financially, splitting would be difficult.

He is a kind man and his family, my family and our son adore him.

I have confided in close friends about the situation and they feel sad for me.

Is there anyone out there who has been through this and has some advice?

[sadie9]

I don't get the 'if you come downstairs' part. Like what the...?
Is your adult son there 24/7? Surely there are times when you two are alone in the house and could have sex then.
Does it have to be 'downstairs in the night'.
It sounds like part of some fantasy he is trying to get you to engage in.
What annoys me about it, is that he has not considered your part in this. What way did you respond when he made these suggestions over the past months? If you said little or nothing maybe he took that as a 'maybe'.

[Dontbeme]

Sexual anorexia OP, when a partner/spouse will avoid sex and intimacy with their spouse like the plague, but will be acting out through porn or affair partners.

www.restoringheartscounseling.com/2020/08/07/intimacy-anorexia-and-sex-addicts/

If this sounds familiar run like the wind, it never gets better.

telling me he "he wanted to fuck me"

What a way for him to speak to you after years of avoiding any kind of intimacy with you for years. What the hell kind of response did he expect from you, where is his interest in cherishing his wife.

[Diddumz]

"Sexual anorexia" - yep, that rings true.

[Diddumz]

Sadie - totally agree. Thank you 😊